LET’S TALK Lift Your Low Self Esteem Week 5 – Rules for Living LET’S TALK

Feedback Positive Notebook Activity Scheduling Did anyone reward themselves?

Aims of Session What are Rules for Living? Identifying our own Rules for Living Changing and Creating New Rules for Living

Group Exercise What do you think we mean by Rules for Living?

What are Rules for Living? Rules for living help us get by in the world by protecting us from exposing our core beliefs. They are the “I should”, “I must” and “I ought” statements. They allow us to wallpaper over how we really feel by hiding the truth. They are the expectations we place on ourselves: standards of how we should be, should behave and what’s acceptable. Many of our anxious predictions and self critical thoughts result from our rules for living.

How low self esteem develops Negative Early Experiences The Bottom Line (beliefs) Rules for Living (assumptions) Trigger Situations Situations in which the Rules for Living are (or may be) broken

How Low Self Esteem is Maintained Activation of the Bottom Line ‘I’m stupid’ Negative predictions ‘People think I’m stupid’ Anxiety Confirmation of the Bottom Line Prediction left unchallenged, bottom line remains intact Unhelpful behaviour ‘I’ll avoid the situation’ Self-critical thinking Depression Trigger situations Situation which Rules for Living might be broken ‘I must not say anything as no one will want to hear it’

Rules for Living Can be helpful Can be unhelpful rules Are learned from childhood Culture Are Unique to You Are Rigid and Resist Change Are linked to Powerful Emotions Are Unreasonable Are Extreme Are often assumptions ‘If…then’ and ‘Unless...then’ statements Drive us to do things Are value Judgements

Group Exercise Quick brainstorm of rules that we have in our society Personal rules Good rules

Tip From our work on anxious predictions, self critical thoughts and enhancing self acceptance you may have already started to observe the certain situations that trigger uncomfortable emotions and cause you problems. These are probably the situations relevant to your personal rules, where you are in danger of not meeting their terms.

Where to look for your Rules for Living… Themes Direct Statements Follow the Opposite (things you feel really good about) Memories, family sayings Judgements of Yourself and other people

Direct Statements Look at your record sheets you kept for anxious predictions and self critical thoughts, and see if you can identify any rules distinguished as specific thoughts. Do any of your predictions in particular situations reflect broader issues? Are any of your self-critical thoughts specific examples of a more general rule? Themes If no rule can be found in your record sheets, can you pick out continuing preoccupations and concerns? Or themes that run through the work you have done? What kind of situations always make you doubt yourself? What aspects of yourself are you most hard on? What behaviour in people undermines your confidence?

Your judgements of yourself and other people Look at your self critical thoughts and ask yourself under what circumstances you begin to put yourself down? What do you criticise in yourself? What does that tell you about what you expect of yourself? What might happen if you relax your standards? How could things go wrong? Follow the Opposite Think of the times when you do feel good. What makes you feel really, really good? What are the implications of this? What rule might you have obeyed? What standards did you meet? What qualities and actions do you really admire and value in other people?

Memories, family sayings Think back to your childhood and teenage years, consider the messages you received about how to behave and the sort of person you should be, when you were growing up. What were you told you should and should not do? What were the consequences if you did not go along with what you were told? What sort of person did that make you? What were you praised and appreciated for? To search particular memories, look at your thought records again, and pick out feelings and thoughts that seem typical to you (themes). Ask yourself… When did you first notice yourself thinking and behaving in that way? What were the circumstances? When you look at something that usually makes you anxious or triggers self criticism, does this remind you of anything in your past? What voices or faces come to mind?

Exercise – Part 1 Split into two Groups In each group have a pack of post it notes Write down examples of ‘Rules for Living’ on post it notes and place on board Also, THINK about how you would soften the rule? Don’t write this down yet! Then we will discuss in the group

Break

Group Exercise – Part 2 As a whole group Your facilitators will now go through your ‘Rules for Living’ and ask you how you would soften the rule! How does it make you feel? What are the differences between them? Which is better: the old or new rule?

Creating a New Rule for Living Importance of creating ‘New Rules’ allows you to adopt more realistic standards for yourself and what you want out of life.

Changing the Rule Summary Sheet 1) My old rule is…. 2) This rule has had the following impact on my life 3) I know the rule is in operation because…. 4) It is understandable I have this rule because… 5) However, the rule is unreasonable because…. 6) The advantages of obeying the rule are… 7) The disadvantages of obeying the rule are.. 8) A more realistic and helpful rule would be…. 9) In order to test drive the new rule, I need to… Melanie Fennell, 2006 Overcoming Low Self Esteem Self-Help Course A 3 part programme based on Cognitive Behavioural Techniques. Part Three

Changing the Rule Summary Sheet Let’s give it a go! Exercise in Pairs

Tip Start with one rule at a time

Once we have identified our rule and established a new rule we need to test it out and start finding evidence to support our new rule. We need to experiment with the new rule. Every time we experiment log it in the Experimenting with the New Rule Log Sheet.

Experimenting with New Rule Melanie Fennell, 2006 Overcoming Low Self Esteem Self-Help Course A 3 part programme based on Cognitive Behavioural Techniques. Part Three Date/ Time SituationNew RuleWhat I did using my new rule? Outcome (What I noticed, felt, thought, learned) Been given short deadline to submit report on current sales figures at work I can only do what I am capable of doing. I will do what I can and will do my best and that will be good enough. (Old Rule – I must give 110% to my work, if not I am a risk of failing) Submitted report on time. Didn’t spend all weekend and evening working on it. Left work as normal time and didn’t work through lunch breaks. Boss was pleased with report. Had time at weekend to spend with family, rather than working. I did well without giving 110%.

Week 5 - Weekly Tasks Identifying your Rules for Living Continue the Changing the Rules Summary Sheet to establish a New Rule Experiment with your New Rule Positive Notebook Read Chapter 7 of ‘Overcoming Low Self Esteem’ by Melanie Fennell for further supportive reading on Changing the Rules

LET’S TALK Lift Your Low Self Esteem Week 6 - Part One: Core Beliefs “Bottom Line” LET’S TALK

Feedback Did you identify your Rules for Living? Were you able to create a new rule for living? Was anyone able to test out a new rule?

Aims of Weeks 6 and 7 What are Bottom Line Statements Identifying our Beliefs/Bottom Line Statements Creating a new Belief/Bottom Line Questioning the evidence that supports our ‘old’ bottom line Gathering evidence to support our ‘new’ bottom line

Part One What are Bottom Line Statements Identifying Bottom Line Statements Progressive Muscle Relaxation

Clarification Core beliefs are the same as bottom line statements. In work on self esteem, core beliefs are referred to as ‘bottom line’ statements Bottom line statements are at the core of Low Self Esteem

What are Bottom Line statements? Conclusions we have formed about ourselves Learnt through life experiences ‘I am’ statements! The view we have of ourselves at the core of our low self esteem If we avoid challenging situations, take unnecessary precautions, listen to self critical thoughts – when they are left unchallenged they confirm our bottom line.

How low self esteem develops Negative Early Experiences The Bottom Line (beliefs) Rules for Living (assumptions) Trigger Situations Situations in which the Rules for Living are (or may be) broken

How Low Self Esteem is Maintained Activation of the Bottom Line ‘I’m stupid’ Negative predictions ‘People think I’m stupid’ Anxiety Confirmation of the Bottom Line Prediction left unchallenged, bottom line remains intact Unhelpful behaviour ‘I’ll avoid the situation’ Self-critical thinking Depression Trigger situations Situation which Rules for Living might be broken ‘I must not say anything as no one will want to hear it’

The work you have already done on self critical thinking, enhancing self acceptance, anxious predictions and rules for living may have started chipping away at the bottom line and it may have already started to change

Does anyone feel they have already identified their bottom line?

Identifying the Bottom Line….. “I am …” Knowledge of own history: Early experiences/memories When did you first start feeling this way? Whose voice do you hear when you are being hard on yourself? What words were used to describe you when you failed to please? Rules for living: If you break your rules for living, what does it say about you as a person? Fears expressed in anxious predictions: Think of the fears and unnecessary precautions you take If your fear had come true what would it have implied of you as a person? What sort of person did you fear might be revealed? Downward Arrow Technique Self critical thoughts: What words did you use to describe yourself when being self critical? What names do you call yourself? When you do things that trigger self criticism what do those things suggest about you as a person?

Downward Arrow Technique The downward arrow technique is a set of questions you can follow to allow you to illicit your bottom line statements

The Downward Arrow Technique Situation: Emotion: Key thought:: What does that mean about me? So I am?

Downward Arrow Technique Exercise In Pairs Practise on each other In pairs role play the Downward Arrow Technique

% of Beliefs Everyone in the group is to give a % of how much they believe their old bottom line 0-100% (100% strongly believe) If people have started considering an alternative, everyone in group to state how much they believe their possible alternative, their new bottom line 0-100% (100% strongly believe)

The Judge Exercise Part 1 Take the bottom line statement you have come up with and write down all the evidence you have from previous sessions that goes against this bottom line statement. Work on your own or back in pairs

BREAK

Exercise Split into Two Groups with a pack of post it notes or write on flipchart paper Write down examples of ‘Bottom Line’ statements on post it notes and place on board

Group Exercise As a whole group look at lists on the board and establish an alternative to create a New Bottom Line statement REMEMBER - you are looking for a positive realistic alternative to support a new kinder perspective

% of Beliefs Go round everyone in the group and ask them to give a % of how much they believe their bottom line 0-100% (100% strongly believe) If people have started considering an alternative, go round everyone in the group and ask them how much they believe their possible alternative belief % (100% strongly believe)

Relaxation Exercise Progressive Muscle Relaxation We often do not realise which of our muscles are chronically tense. Progressive muscle relaxation provides a way of identifying which muscle groups are tense and distinguishing between the sensation of relaxation as opposed to tension.

Homework Task – The Judge Exercise Part 2 Carry on looking for evidence against your bottom line. This time go back over your life in your childhood, teenage years, education, employment, relationships, friendships and look for evidence that go against your bottom line statement.

Week 6 - Weekly Tasks The Judge Exercise Part 2 Start Identifying your bottom line! (or another one if necessary) Downward Arrow Technique Positive Notebook Relaxation Read Chapter 8 of ‘Overcoming Low Self Esteem’ by Melanie Fennell for further supportive reading on Undermining the Bottom Line