Levels of Communication in our Daily Lives

Levels of Communication “SPV” Superficial Communication making up the majority of our communication. Talking about the weather, home, school, food, etc. Personal Communication involving opening up and talking about feelings, beliefs and opinions that mean something to you. Validating Communication reinforcing people’s feelings about themselves.

Levels of Communication Event Superficial Influence Personal Personal Quality Validating Compliment

Levels of Communication Questions Can a relationship remain stable for an extended period of time if they communicate in a superficial state? Why? Which levels of communication must a relationship strive for in order to grow? Why? Which was more difficult to share in group? Events, Influences, Personal qualities, Compliments. Why? What are some reactions that occurred in your group? Explain why these occurred. Why is it more difficult to share personal qualities and compliments. Why would you communicate superficially?

Reasons for keeping Communication Superficial: I may be hurt. I don’t want to hurt their feelings. They will misinterpret what I say. They won’t be receptive It will put our relationship at risk. I will be out on a limb and won’t be supported. http://www.mnadr.state.mn.us/workplace/pdf/Keepcomm.pdf

What Validation Is To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings. Next, it is to understand them, and finally it is to nurture them.

Basic Steps to Validation Acknowledging the other person's feelings Identifying the feelings Offering to listen Helping them label the feelings Being there for them; remaining present physically and emotionally Feeling patient Feeling accepting and non-judgmental

Communication Styles Touch Hugging, holding hands, physically close Verbal Sharing one’s feelings, listening, heart-to-heart talks, caring words Task Achievement, accomplishments, hard work, status, things

Destructive Communication Blaming Interrupting Endless Fighting Character Assassination Calling in Reinforcements Withdrawal Need to be Right

Blaming – Shifting responsibility for your actions to some or something else. Interrupting – Talking over someone while they are talking or changing the subject to distract the conversation. Endless Fighting – Arguments that never end. Bring up the old issues that have nothing to do with what’s happening now.

Character Assassination – Name calling, belittling comments about sensitive subjects, and insulting remarks. (Sarcasm)

Calling In Reinforcements – Involves outsiders in your personal relationships and quarrels. Withdrawal – Withdrawing from a communication or avoiding conversations

Need to be right – Not willing to look at the situation from another person’s point of view

Constructive Communication “I” Messages Clarity Timing Asking Questions Reflective Listening Respect and Consideration Avoiding Intense Anger

“I” Messages – State the feelings and thoughts you are having at the time of communication. Lets others know how you feel without making people defensive.

Clarity – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean Clarity – Meaning what you say and then saying what you mean. Problem is interpretation. (Sarcasm) Timing – Select a good time to do your important communicating.

Asking Questions – People seldom say what they really mean the first time. Reflective Listening –Where the listener mirrors back thoughts and/or feelings the speaker is experiencing. Purpose is to clarify.

Practice Sending “I” Messages

1. Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap 1. Father wants to read the paper. Child keeps climbing on his lap. Father is irritated. “You” message: “You shouldn’t ever interrupt someone when he is reading.” “I” message: ______________________ 2. Mother using vacuum cleaner. Child keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is in a hurry. “You” message: “You’re being naughty.” “I” message:______________________

3. Child comes to table with very dirty hands and face. “You” message: “You’re not being a responsible big boy. That’s what a little baby might do. “I” message: ___________________________ 4. Child keeps postponing going to bed. Mother and Dad want to talk about a private problem of concern for them. Child keeps hanging around preventing them from talking. “You” message: “You know it’s past your bedtime. You are just trying to annoy us. You need your sleep.” “I” message:__________________________

5. Child pleads to be taken to a movie but he has not cleaned up his room for several days, a job he agreed to do. “You” message: “You don’t deserve going to a movie when you have been so inconsiderate and selfish.” “I” message: ___________________________ 6. Child has been sulking and acting sad all day. Mother doesn’t know the reason. “You” message: “Come on now, stop this sulking. Either brighten up or you’ll have to go outside and sulk. You’re taking something too serious.” “I’ message: ___________________________

7. Child is playing the stereo so loud it is interfering with the parent’s conversation in the next room. “You” message: “Can’t you be more considerate of others? Why do you play that stereo so loud?” “I” message:___________________________ 8. Child promised to iron napkins to be used for dinner party. During the day she dawdled, now it’s one hour before the guests arrive and she has not started the job. “You” message: “You have fallen down on your job. How can you be so thoughtless and irresponsible?” “I” message: _____________________________

Which type of communication do you feel we use most often Which type of communication do you feel we use most often? (Destructive/Constructive) EXPLAIN YOUR ANSWER

Listening Blocks I must defend my position. I’m looking for an entrance into the conversation. I don’t have time to listen to you. I already know what you have to say. I know what you should do.

Active Listening Open-ended questions Closed: Are you feeling bad today? Open: How are you feeling today? Reflection (paraphrasing)

Non-Verbal Communication Kinesics refers to the study of non-verbal communication. Kinesics accounts for approximately 55% of our communication. Kinesics is sometimes referred to as “Body Language” GIVE SOME BODY LANGUAGE CLUES YOU KNOW

Territory/Space Zones We all mark our own territory. Creating personal space limits Spreading coats, books, etc.

Space Personal Zone Public Zone 18” – 4’ 12’ and up Social Zone 4’ – 12’ Intimate Zone Touching – 18”