PARENTING IN TODAY’S WORLD Dr. Maggie Mamen Psychologist, Mom and Nana

WARNING! This presentation may contain politically incorrect subject matter, relatively coarse language, and common sense … Viewer discretion is advised.

“Children these days are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.” Socrates, 400 BC

CHILDREN OF VICTORIAN PARENTS POST-WAR BOOMERS GENERATION “X”

SO WHAT HASN’T CHANGED?

BASIC REQUIREMENTS FOR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH Sleep Good nutrition Exercise/fresh air Spirituality/morality Positive relationships Safety and security

“I KNOW, BUT …” she doesn’t want to … he doesn’t like … I can’t get him away from the TV, video games, computer, MSN, phone … I read this book that said you should never say ‘no’ to children, it damages their self-esteem … I can’t stop him … they won’t listen to me … I can’t make her …

WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO UNDERMINE PARENTS AND OVERLY EMPOWER CHILDREN?

Children’s rights Legislation The legacy of abuse “Experts”Diagnosis Focus on self-esteem The “nag factor” The “mythical family”

THE “PAMPERED GENERATION” Sense of entitlement Think they’re “management” Low tolerance for boredom Suspicious/dismissive of adults/authority Child-driven, powerless parents Increased incidence of mental health problems

THREE RULES OF THUMB

BE THE ADULT - take responsibility, be accountable - - work as a “management team” - - know your values, have a plan - - leader, not servant - - exercise your authority! -

COMMUNICATE CLEARLY rule, advice, negotiable, non-negotiable? choice/no choice? listen, acknowledge, validate, decide separate feelings/behaviour

TEACH, DON’T ‘PUNISH’ - positive ‘job description’ - - reinforce small steps - -- capitalize on teachable moments - - provide informed choices - - actions, not just words -

SOME WORDING CHANGES - from “have to” to “choose to” - from “if you don’t..., you won’t …” to “when you have …, then you may…” to “when you have …, then you may…” - from “who …?” to “whoever …” - From - From - from “but …” to “so …”

PROVIDE A BALANCE BELIEF: “My child should always be happy and feel good about himself” LESSON: “No pain, no gain” BELIEF: “My child should never be bored” “My child should always have fun” LESSON: “Out of boredom comes creativity” BELIEF: “My child has the right to express her feelings” LESSON: “Sometimes children should be seen and not heard”

BALANCE … BELIEF: “My child should be consulted and be able to vote on all family decisions” LESSON: “Life is not a democracy” BELIEF: “My child has to be given a choice” LESSON: “Some things are non-negotiable” BELIEF: “My child has to be given a reason” LESSON: “The word ‘no’ is a complete sentence” LESSON: “Because I said so” is sometimes a good enough reason

BALANCE … BELIEF:“But I can’t make her!” LESSON:“Just watch me!” AND WHEN THEY SAY: “Everyone else’s parents let them” “You are the worst parent ever” “I am hard-done-by” “But I don’t WANT to …” “It’s not fair!” LESSON:...

“Suck it up!”