Talking Clearly & Safely Communication that Builds Connection

Talking Is Hardest When It Counts Most Having a disagreement Needing to share something personal and sensitive Easy to fall into bad patterns: Less safety Less communication More conflict

What Are Common Mistakes When Speaking and Upset?

Common Mistakes When Speaking and Upset 1. Attacking, being accusatory 2. Exaggeration 3. Rambling, being confusing 4. Being vague or too indirect

What Are Common Mistakes When Listening and Upset?

Common Mistakes When Listening and Upset 1. Only preparing what to say back Interrupting 2. Distracted by feelings Anger Defensiveness 3. Selective hearing Assumptions, jumping to conclusions

What Might We Do If We Feel Misunderstood & Unheard?

What We Might Do If We Feel Misunderstood & Unheard Raise our voice Repeat ourselves over and over Argue and attack Stop speaking and give up

Proving You Have Heard the Speaker Is Helpful If the Speaker is certain they are understood They don’t need to increase their intensity or repeat the message over and over They feel respected They may have clarified their thinking They feel empowered and possibly more able to move on to problem solving Often they are more receptive to listen to you now

Tool: Power Listening Show the Speaker that you understand them 1. Frequently paraphrase and reflect back the essence of the speaker’s message Both facts and feelings 2. Be neutral; don’t convey your views Avoid reactions like challenging, judging or advising No questions; only requests to repeat 3. Ask, “Is there more?” until the Speaker is done

Power Listening Practice 1. Decide who will be the Listener first Identify who the Speaker is by an object 2. The Speaker shares an opinion on any topic 3. The Listener reflects it back Summarizes both facts and feelings 4. Keep your positions until the Speaker is done; then switch roles Do not let it become a conversation until the end

Value of Power Listening 1. The Speaker can explore their thoughts and feelings 2. The Listener gains more empathy and connection More prepared to solve problems If there is conflict, this keeps it from getting worse Better to “understand before seeking to be understood” People “care what you know when they know that you care”

Tips for Power Listening 1. “Unnatural” quality makes it work against “natural” bad habits 2. Respectful listening does not mean you agree 3. Practice it first so it is easy to use when stressed 4. Use when you are being criticized or don’t know how to react Disarms critics Gives you time to calm down and think

Tool: Peeves & Praises 1. Each lists three points of frustration with the other Use “I” statements: “I was angry when…,” “I did not like it when…” 2. Each writes three points of praise “I love it when you…” 3. Exchange lists Notice your defensive reactions Be open to any truth 4. Respond to each other Acknowledge personal faults and strengths 5. Give thanks in prayer together Adapted from Hyung Jin Moon, Non-Reactive Empathetic Listening