Resolving Interpersonal Conflict Conflict—an expressed struggle between at least two people who perceive the situation differently and are experiencing interference from the other person in achieving their goals.

Causes of Conflict Control over resources Control over resources Preferences and Nuisances Preferences and Nuisances Values Values Beliefs Beliefs Goals Goals The nature of the relationship between the partners The nature of the relationship between the partners

Positive Effects of Conflict Promotes Growth in an Relationship Promotes Growth in an Relationship Allows for Healthy Release of Feelings Allows for Healthy Release of Feelings Increases Motivation and Self-Esteem Increases Motivation and Self-Esteem

Negative Effects of Conflict The Manner in Which We Approach Interpersonal Conflict The Manner in Which We Approach Interpersonal Conflict Larger Problems and Deeper Personal Resentments May Occur Larger Problems and Deeper Personal Resentments May Occur

In Conflict Conflict involves Self (my feelings), Other Person (his/her feelings) and the Issue (what the conflict is about) Conflict involves Self (my feelings), Other Person (his/her feelings) and the Issue (what the conflict is about) The Placater—takes the self out of the conflict to please the other The Placater—takes the self out of the conflict to please the other The Blamer—takes the other out of the conflict to find blame or fault The Blamer—takes the other out of the conflict to find blame or fault The Computer—takes both self and other out of conflict and only focuses on facts The Computer—takes both self and other out of conflict and only focuses on facts The Distracter—avoids self, other and issue The Distracter—avoids self, other and issue

Dealing with the Emotional Dimension of Conflict First and foremost, remember that the emotions have priority over any issue First and foremost, remember that the emotions have priority over any issue Treat the other person with respect (facial expressions, empathic listening, tone of voice, words and emphasis) Treat the other person with respect (facial expressions, empathic listening, tone of voice, words and emphasis) Listen until you experience the other side (remember our empathic listening exercise?) Listen until you experience the other side (remember our empathic listening exercise?) State your views, needs and feelings clearly and concisely State your views, needs and feelings clearly and concisely

Conflict Management Styles Passive Passive Aggressive Aggressive Passive-aggressive Passive-aggressive Assertive Assertive

Passive Style Responds to conflict by avoidance Responds to conflict by avoidance Communication does not appreciate one’s own feelings or thoughts (and is, therefore, dishonest) Communication does not appreciate one’s own feelings or thoughts (and is, therefore, dishonest) Has a belief that we should never make anyone uncomfortable or displeased Has a belief that we should never make anyone uncomfortable or displeased Avoids rejection Avoids rejection Stores up anger and resentment Stores up anger and resentment When neither the goal nor the relationship is very important, this may be a good style to employ When neither the goal nor the relationship is very important, this may be a good style to employ

Aggressive Style Responds to conflict by a fight and domination Responds to conflict by a fight and domination Go on verbal attack (“the best defense is a good offense”) Go on verbal attack (“the best defense is a good offense”) Characterized by loud, abusive, rude and sarcastic behaviors Characterized by loud, abusive, rude and sarcastic behaviors Believes that I have to put others down in order to protect myself Believes that I have to put others down in order to protect myself Aggressive people appear to be in control Aggressive people appear to be in control Others tend to avoid aggressive people because of the effects of humiliation, resentment, etc. Others tend to avoid aggressive people because of the effects of humiliation, resentment, etc. When the goal is important and the relationship is considerably less important, this may be useful When the goal is important and the relationship is considerably less important, this may be useful

Passive-Aggressive Appears passive and agreeable Appears passive and agreeable Uses subtle, underhanded aggression or “behind the back” behaviors Uses subtle, underhanded aggression or “behind the back” behaviors Sarcasm is one of the ways that the aggression plays out—if I can appear as if I’m “just having fun” and yet, make you feel put down, I win. Sarcasm is one of the ways that the aggression plays out—if I can appear as if I’m “just having fun” and yet, make you feel put down, I win.

Assertive Responds to conflict by using cooperative problem solving Responds to conflict by using cooperative problem solving Presents one’s honest feelings and thoughts and appreciates the honest feelings and thoughts of others Presents one’s honest feelings and thoughts and appreciates the honest feelings and thoughts of others Recognizes that both parties may “be right” and “win” Recognizes that both parties may “be right” and “win” I respect myself and have equal respect for others—I’m myself and you can be yourself I respect myself and have equal respect for others—I’m myself and you can be yourself You can exercise your freedom without guilt You can exercise your freedom without guilt Leads to more open, honest and direct communication Leads to more open, honest and direct communication

Learning to be Assertive Basic Assertion—learning to stand up for your rights or express your feelings Basic Assertion—learning to stand up for your rights or express your feelings Learning to express positive feelings— learning to give compliments Learning to express positive feelings— learning to give compliments Learning to be assertive when people fail to respond to your request Learning to be assertive when people fail to respond to your request Learning to use the “I” message Learning to use the “I” message

“I” Messages Contains four parts: Contains four parts: An objective, nonjudgmental description of the person’s behavior in specific terms An objective, nonjudgmental description of the person’s behavior in specific terms How I feel about this How I feel about this The concrete effects on me The concrete effects on me A request and an invitation to respond A request and an invitation to respond

Delivering “I” Messages Write and practice your message before delivering it Write and practice your message before delivering it Develop assertive body language with your “I” message Develop assertive body language with your “I” message Don’t be sidetracked by the defensiveness or manipulation of others Don’t be sidetracked by the defensiveness or manipulation of others

Albert Einstein “Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”

Saying “No” Start small—practice saying “no” when there is little at stake Start small—practice saying “no” when there is little at stake Keep it simple—you do not have to offer long explanations as to “why” you are saying no Keep it simple—you do not have to offer long explanations as to “why” you are saying no Buy time—give yourself some distance between the invitation/request and your response Buy time—give yourself some distance between the invitation/request and your response Remain generous—place another invitation or offer within the no Remain generous—place another invitation or offer within the no Understand your “Yes”—knowing what you want to say “yes” to will make the “no” easier Understand your “Yes”—knowing what you want to say “yes” to will make the “no” easier

Culture and Conflict Management High-Context Cultures—value self-restraint, avoid confrontation, rely heavily on non- verbals—preserving the face of the other person is the goal (Japanese, Chinese, Asian and Latin American cultures) High-Context Cultures—value self-restraint, avoid confrontation, rely heavily on non- verbals—preserving the face of the other person is the goal (Japanese, Chinese, Asian and Latin American cultures) Low-Context Cultures—use more explicit language, more direct meanings, stress goals and outcomes over relationships (German, Swedish, American and English cultures) Low-Context Cultures—use more explicit language, more direct meanings, stress goals and outcomes over relationships (German, Swedish, American and English cultures)

Methods of Conflict Resolution Win-Lose—one person gets his or her way and the other does not Win-Lose—one person gets his or her way and the other does not Lose-Lose—neither person gets his or her way Lose-Lose—neither person gets his or her way Win-Win—both win because the solution must be acceptable to both Win-Win—both win because the solution must be acceptable to both

Steps for Win-Win Conflict Resolution Define the problem in terms of needs, not solutions Define the problem in terms of needs, not solutions Share your problem and unmet needs Share your problem and unmet needs Listen to the other person’s needs Listen to the other person’s needs Brainstorm possible solutions Brainstorm possible solutions Evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one Evaluate the possible solutions and choose the best one Implement the solution Implement the solution Evaluate the solution at a later date Evaluate the solution at a later date

When Conflicts Cannot be Resolved Differences in Basic Beliefs, Values, and Past Issues Differences in Basic Beliefs, Values, and Past Issues Struggles Where there is No Solution Struggles Where there is No Solution Situations Out of Our Control Situations Out of Our Control When Things Have to Be a Certain Way When Things Have to Be a Certain Way