Proactive Parenting Combining Love, Logic and Consistency

Parenting Styles What they mean and how it affects the relationship you have with your child

Drill Sergeant  Gives orders “Because I said so”  Focus on what the child is NOT doing  Punishments focused  Relationship between parent and child is a struggle.  Child feels powerless and misunderstood

Helicopter  Focus on their child not their own needs  “Hover”  Parents constantly rescue their kids from failure.  The message is “you are not capable”  The child is in control and can become manipulative and self-centered

Consultant  Expectations are clear and concise  The child is given choices  Democratic balance of power  The message is “you are capable”  Good communication  The relationship between parents and child is balanced and respectful.

Crime and Punishment How you discipline your child can make or break your relationship

Punishment vs. Consequence Punishment Definition “pain inflicted on a person guilty of some offense.”  The punishment does not necessarily have to bear any relationship to the offense. Ex: A child forgets to do his chores and loses TV, video games, phone, ipod, gets grounded etc… Consequence Definition “ that which follows some action.”  In other words, it is referring to cause and effect. Sometimes referred to as “natural consequence. Ex:  If you lie often, people won’t trust you.  If you go outside without a coat, you will get cold.

The Cycle of Discipline Punishment Child misbehaves Parental Frustration & Quick Response punishment Parent feels better and believes their control has been maintained Child quickly forgets why they had a consequence Child may be resentful or confused about consequence Parent/child relationship is damaged

The Cycle of Discipline Consequences Child Misbehaves Parent and child calmly discuss behavior and its effects A logical consequence of action is determined Child performs the task and develops cause and effect thinking Parent and child Relationship is repaired.

“ Traditional” Discipline Spanking Yell/Lecture Loss of TV/Video games/Grounding Behavior/Sticker Chart Over too quickly Damages relationship Can cause a power struggle Doesn’t teach real world context Not always effective so parent is forced into a consequence trap Not flexible so you are “chained to the fridge” Not a meaningful reward

This is the Real World! The logistics of raising responsible children

What is the purpose of consequences?  To teach children and help them learn and grow  To prepare them for life on their own  To teach them about healthy, long term relationships.  To teach long term cause and effect thinking about their behavior.  A Consequence is NOT about power- Kids don’t learn from a power struggle

Logical Consequences  Repair the relationship  Apology of action  Restitution Delivery of Consequence Consequences mimc real world Few Words Empathy

Using Real World Logic  Is this consequence going to have the same implications for the child as it would if an adult behaved this way?  Examples: Child yelling at parents Child not doing work

Your relationship with your child gives the consequence power Relationship = Foundation for discipline Take an interest- remember why you love them Forgive yourself and forgive you child It is not being permissive to back off and restore the relationship. Do we as adults respond better to people who take an interest in us? How do you feel when you anger someone who doesn’t like you?

Positive Ways to Help Kids Learn and Grow  Listen to you child  Use reparative consequences  Let your children make mistakes as long as it is safe.  Always act out of love rather than anger  Pick your battles  Limit your words-no lectures

Love & Logic Love will provided a safe and secure environment for the child to grow and thrive. Logic can help them to understand that their actions have an impact on other people. They can learn the consequences of their behavior and that they have a responsibility to repair any hurt they have done.