Conflict Resolution in the Library Workplace Instructor: Pat Wagner An Infopeople Workshop December 2003

Workshop Overview Rules for better communication Tools for resolving conflicts –three-step conflict model –visual/auditory/kinesthetic model –words that work –what to say to calm people down –what to say when you are upset

The Fairy Tale Is Wrong The child points at the emperor and says, “The Emperor has no clothes!” instead The adults point to themselves and say, “Oops, maybe we are naked, too.”

The Fairy Tale Is Wrong I could assume the conflict starts with the other person and blame them instead I know my behavior has impact and I take responsibility for my choices.

Workshop Success “Conflict Tips of the Trade” Use issues that are real for you today Find a buddy at work

Conflict Can Be… Constructive Curious Present/Future Objective Hunt information Punishing Angry Past Personal Defend position HealthyUnhealthy

Silence Is Not Safe Conflict avoidance is dangerous Healthy conflict uses communication –speak up –stay constructive –communication flows 360 degrees Conflict Tip #1

Measures of Healthy Conflict Calm, good-humored and interested Other people want to work with you Productivity increases Unhealthy stress decreases

The Conflict Triangle

Bully –Emotional intimidation –Instead: listen ask

The Conflict Triangle Victim –Overwhelmed –Instead: ask for help act

The Conflict Triangle Meddler –Rescue –Instead: coach get a life

The Two Sets of Rules Consequences –details count Responsible Transparent Peer-based –others are equal Choose the best –positive intention Benefit of doubt Ask, don’t guess. Forgive mistakes –their status issues Your BehaviorTheir Behavior

Tools for Resolving Conflicts Three-step conflict model Visual/auditory/kinesthetic model Words that work –what to say to calm people down –what to say when you are upset

The Three-Step Model What do you want next? What does the other person want? What will you change about your behavior?

First - What Do You Want? Focus on the future – next – instead – despite Stay precise – measurement: how many, when – description, physical behavior

Second - What Do They Want? Ask their goals – next – instead – despite Research Listen and observe

Third - What Will You Do? Build rapport Ask, listen and observe Seek feedback on your behavior Change your response Know your bottom line

Clean up Your Own Act First Sarcasm destroys trust Gossip: everyone knows Venting does not work Conflict Tip #2

Why Writing Helps Better than verbal venting for resolution Pins down the details Creates a plan

The VAK Model “Don’t get angry, get interested!” –focus on other person –stay calm and curious The VAK Model –visual - What I see –auditory - What I say and hear –kinesthetic - What I locate and move Cheryl Gould: The slide sys Tools but this is one tool. Maybe just title the slide VAK model Cheryl Gould: The slide sys Tools but this is one tool. Maybe just title the slide VAK model

VAK Physical Clues Eye movements Tone of voice Physical behavior – shift in posture – hand movements – workplace preferences Vocabulary

Visual Clues Looks up or straight ahead Voice pitched higher Hands point up or ahead Prefers written communication “Look”, “see”, “vision”, “watch”, “visualize” Cheryl Gould: Is last bullet point words they would say? Need quotes? Cheryl Gould: Is last bullet point words they would say? Need quotes?

Auditory Clues Looks towards ears Voice flows Hands towards ear; “phone hand” Prefers to talk –repeats what others say –prefers “bulleted” lists “Hear”, “sounds”, “tell”, “talk”, “chat”, “listen”

Kinesthetic Clues Looks down towards “writing” hand Voice lower Hands create, shape and lift “objects” Prefers hands-on and face-to-face –wants more time –prefers maps and diagrams “Understand”, “get”, “work”, “move”, “build”

People Are Complex VAK is just one of many tools Use it to be calm and curious Ask for preferences in their words Conflict Tip #3

Words That Work Keep everyone in the future Focus on productivity “Unconditionally constructive” Distracts from anger and fear

“and” Substitute “and” for “but” –“yes, but” destroys the connection “The new policy can be difficult to learn, and it still needs to be in place by Friday.” Words that Work

“yes” Use “yes” as a transition word. Avoid “I am right and you are wrong” conversations. “Yes, [they say they returned the book] and our records show that it is not in the library.” Words that Work

“can” Tell them what you can do. “I can find you a coach to help you learn the new policy.” “I can ask our staff to search for the book.” Words that Work

Use Short Sentences Speak one short sentence, and wait for a response Count to ten Maintain a friendly, neutral “face” “Please move the cart,” instead of a 60-word essay. Words that Work Cheryl Gould: Add an example sentence at bottom Cheryl Gould: Add an example sentence at bottom

“tell me more” “Please tell me more” can both: –gather information –calm you down “Please tell me more about what happened to the library van.” Words that Work

“next” “Next” keeps you and other people: – out of the past - helpless – in the future - possible “Next time, please move the cart out of the path of the library van.” Words that Work Cheryl Gould: Need example sentence Cheryl Gould: Need example sentence

“instead” “Instead” keeps you and other people: – out of the past - helpless – in the future - possible – resourceful - create options – empowered - take action “Instead of blaming her for the late report, why not call her and find out exactly what happened?” Words that Work

“despite” “Despite” acknowledges: – there is a problem – life isn’t perfect “Despite” keeps you and others: – in the future - possible – resourceful - create options – empowered - take action Words that Work Cheryl Gould: Fix formatting? Cheryl Gould: Fix formatting?

“satisfy” “Satisfy” requires action Identifies the issue Provides the basis for resolution “What change in the new graphic interface will satisfy you?” Words that Work

Practice! Practice with friends Ask for feedback Speak with goodwill Do what works for you! Conflict Tip #4