Understanding Grief & Loss Emily Allaire, LMSW Grief Counselor P| 319-272-2002 eallaire@cvhospice.org

Our personal experiences shape our understanding What do I know about grief? What have my own experiences with grief been? What have I learned?

Grief vs Mourning Grief: Internal thoughts and feelings Mourning: Outward expression of grief

Worden’s Tasks of Mourning 1) Accept the reality of the loss 2) Process the pain and grief 3) Adjust to life without the deceased 4) Maintain a connection to deceased while exploring a new life

Symptoms of grief Physical Sleep disturbance Shortness of breath Tightness in throat Physical distress Weight change Emotional Sadness Anger Guilt Anxiety Loneliness Behavioral Forgetfulness Searching for deceased Wandering aimlessly Worrying more about others, wanting to make them feel comfortable Needing to retell the story of the loved one’s death “Suicidal” talk

Disenfranchised grief “Unspeakable” deaths Suicide/Homicide Sudden Pet loss AIDS

Traumatic deaths Grief is different Painful Struggle to help Struggle to understand

Calendar dates Holidays Birthdays Anniversaries Date of death Tuesday

Healing vs Curing Grief is ongoing Processing Nothing to “get over” Must move through Avoiding prolongs the process

What NOT to say I understand I know You will survive He/She is better off Why are you still sad? It’s been a year At least you have another child How can I help? What do you need? You need counseling Get over it Have you started dating? At least you’re young This will pass Everything happens for a reason

How to be supportive SAY DO I care Tell me about him/her What’s your favorite memory? You are in my thoughts Want to do lunch? It’s ok to cry How are you doing today/right now? DO Listen Practice patience Acknowledge dates Acknowledge deceased Bring over a meal Share memories Accept “no” for an answer