Joan Borst, Ph.D., LMSW Associate Professor, School of Social Work Grand Valley State University
DISCLAIMER We all have unique relationships with parents Not all parents are loving and kind Some of us are orphans after 1 parental death None of us will experience this developmental stage in the same way Some of us can say good-bye, some will not have that opportunity
◦ Video clip ◦ Worst thing that could happen ◦ I get my strength from you ◦ Telling the stories ◦ Ripping up the carpet ◦ Telling the stories ◦ Remarriage ◦ 2 nd parent dies ◦ Who were these people? ◦ Who am I without them?
New York Times: On becoming an “orphan”. by Paula Span (July 1, 2013). We may think of Charles Dickens descriptions of London homeless children Alone
Longer lifespans means we remain children of living parents longer When we are no longer able to connect with a patriarch or matriarch, you are the oldest generation May consider your own mortality more often May visit “home” less often
Sadness Grief Loss Shock Who were these people? Loneliness
Heightened sense of mortality Death of parents “setting us free” Comfort by “treasures” Repositories of memory Member of the “oldest” generation: Who am I now? Family and partner relationships may change More?
Disenfranchized grief How old were they? – if they lived a long life the grief may be disqualified Somewhat embarrassed by feelings of childishness and feeling needy Carry on with life while avalanche of emotions churns inside Brooks, J. (1999). Midlife orphan: Facing life’s changes now that your parents are gone.
May not fully grief the 1 st parent because they are preoccupied with the surviving parent Second parent’s death plunges us into what can feel like a bottomless pit of emotion We may struggle with grief that had not previously been fully acknowledged
The only ones who hold certain memories of you as a child Parental death in midlife elicits lingering feelings of loneliness, memories of former losses, unresolved conflicts and doubts concerning life’s purpose
May hear stories about them from others at funerals and memorials May find clues about the person your parent was in their other roles
Relationships within the family change Some traditions may end New ways of communication may begin May be disputes that were never fully exposed until parental deaths Each sibling has a unique relationship Partner relationships can change
Death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. Variations are endless. Fantasies are powerful.