Sample Writings Tell about a Real Event

This story happened a few years ago, when I was smaller. It was a cold day, so my mom bundled up my brother and I. That was usual. My family (including me), and some of my mom's friends went on a trip to the river. I can't remember what my mom's friends name's were. Malcolm, my brother, was bored, so he decided to pick on me. You know how brothers are. We road in a boat. It was my first time riding in a boat. I didn't get to ride in boat's that often. Malcolm was teasing me about the boat tipping. Then, my mom dropped the paddle. She got it back though. We ate, and then headed on up the trail that led to the truck. Malcolm reached out for my hat and missed. It fell in the river. He reached out to pick it up as it started to drift away. He reached a little further. Malcolm got ahold of it. Splash! He fell in. My brother started to panic. Help I'm drowning! he said. Everyone just stood there. One of my mom's friends told him to stand up if he wanted to live. He found out the water was only up to his knees. I lauged. He didn't think it was funny! From 6+1 Trait® Writing Scoring Examples 6+1 Trait® Writing Scoring Examples

What is this composition about? What words does the writer use to tell about how it felt that day? Could the writer have included more descriptions of what he saw and heard? Give examples. Does the writer include lots of details? How does the writer use different sentence types at the end of the composition to make it more interesting? Which parts of the writing show strong voice? How could the writer have added adverbs to this part of the composition to make a better mind movie? – Malcolm reached out for my hat and missed. It fell in the river. He reached out to pick it up as it started to drift away. He reached a little further. Malcolm got ahold of it. From 6+1 Trait® Writing Scoring Examples 6+1 Trait® Writing Scoring Examples

Wouldn’t it be superb to have one moment when you took the spotlight, to have everybody clapping for you and cheering loudly? I have had that once-in-a-lifetime opportunity—the day I took the spotlight! Sometime in February, my teacher told us all about the Woodmen of America speech contest. The topic was “people who have overcome obstacles in their lives.” I thought my great-grandma Lorraine Parsley, who has had recurring cancer 13 times and is still living, would be perfect. She has overcome a lot of obstacles in her life. A couple weeks later, the class gave their presentations. My teacher had to pick three to five students to go on to the next level. I was one of them! Then the top five from each of the three fifth-grade classes competed. The top seven would be the finalists; again, I was one of them! The top seven worked really hard. We had until March 15, 2001, to practice. March 15 rolled around. Before I knew it, I was in our school gym with people all around, including the judges, listening to every word I said. I was the sixth to present. I was soon done; what a relief! I knew the top seven got ribbons, certificates, and pins; but I still wanted that trophy. After the seventh person finished, the judges made their final decisions. They announced the winners. The third-place winner was Aunum, the second-place winner was Sarah, and the first-place winner was Kelli! I had just won first place! I was ecstatic. That was my once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The students in the audience were going wild clapping and cheering! That was a moment I will always remember, when I took the spotlight! From Write Source Student ModelsWrite Source Student Models

What is this composition about? Does the writer use a good opener and wrap-up to her composition? Does the writer use different sentence types to make it more interesting? Give examples. Does the writer include lots of details? How do you know that the writing shows strong voice? How could the writer have included more information about what she saw and heard in this part of the composition? – March 15 rolled around. Before I knew it, I was in our school gym with people all around, including the judges, listening to every word I said. What details does the last paragraph give about how it sounded that day? From Write Source Student ModelsWrite Source Student Models