C ONFLICT T RANSFORMATION I N SRBA C HURCHES Living out Matthew 18

1. Learn to separate People from issues 2. Value positive response to conflict 3. Develop a system of teaching and practicing p eace

Matthew "Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. 16 But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that 'by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.' 17 And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector. 18 "Assuredly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.

19 "Again I say to you that if two of you agree on earth concerning anything that they ask, it will be done for them by My Father in heaven. 20 For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." 21 Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?“ 22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.

GO STAND IN A CORNE R

Negotiation Matthew 18:15 Mediation Matthew 18:16 Arbitration Matthew 18:17 Negotiation Matthew 5:23-24 Mediation Philippians 4:2-3 Arbitration 1 Corinthians 6:1-6

Relationship begins Relationship Develops Clarifying Expectations 1 st Ouch Missed Expectation Un dealt with Ouches Collection of Ouches I’m sorry Termination Boredom Third Party

How Does Conflict Affect You?

ur Your Personal STYLE Profile

Spirit Stamina StyleSkills Situation

D EVELOP A C OMPREHENSIVE P ICTURE OF Y OURSELF Spirit = The connection of your beliefs and actions Stamina=Your health and fitness – well being Situation = The context of a person’s life Skills = Abilities and competencies Style = The Characteristic way a person responds and reacts

W HAT D OES A LL T HIS MEAN ? COMPARING THE STYLES COMPATABILITY STRENGTHS BECOMING EXCESS

Oh Man

C ONFLICT T RANSFORMATION I N SRBA C HURCHES Living out Matthew 18

Communication Communication Conflict Intensity

Stances for Collaboration Attentative Listening Interest Based Bargaining

I NTERPERSONAL P ROBLEM S OLVING Position Based Hard nosed Issues first People second Persuade to your position Win the contest of wills Interest Based Parties are problem solvers People first Issues second Invent options for mutual gains Reach an agreement based on fair agreeable standards for all parties

L ET ’ S P RACTICE One of you is the pastor, one is the Trustee chair. The Youth Minister does not turn off the lights many times after events and the Trustee has had to come late at night and turn off the lights. One of you is the Pastor’s wife, one is a designated spokesperson. People are complaining that the spouse is wearing much too expensive clothing after the pastor asked for a raise last year. The spouses brother owns a clothing discount house. Groups AGroups B

H OW CONGREGATIONS RESPOND TO CONFLICT Divided Issues are more important View conflict as dangerous Discussion is on solutions, “I’m right, if you’d just see it” People repress inner conflicts Timing is uneven Bound Together People are more important Conflict is viewed as opportunity Discussion is on process People are encouraged to resolve past and current hurts and not project them Timing is steady

Who is the first person who has to move to a new place in relation to how your congregation deals with conflict?

WHERE DO YOU START ? Model effective conflict management Move towards disagreement not away Demonstrate loving confrontation Talk with, not about Strengthen relationships Plan for processes Give lots of forums for input Talk to people

P AY A TTENTION TO P OWERLESSNESS Invalidation – feelings of being unheard Need for a systemic change Historical Factors Poor structure Decisions making process Communication

H OW CAN YOU HELP PEOPLE LEARN TO “ LET IT GO ”?

L ET ’ S P RACTICE One of you is the pastor, one is the Deacon chair, one is facilitator. The DC took the pastors last challenge at the Deacons meeting as a personal rebuke when the pastor said,” We need leaders who will model good stewardship” One of you is the pastor, one is the YM, one a facilitator. The YM told some youth parents that he felt the pastor was not fully supportive and was not included. The pastor told the Personnel Team the YM skips staff meetings and is often late. Groups AGroups B

S OME USEFUL TOOLS Interviews Role reversal Role reversal presentations Conflict Spectrum Small group discussion Samoan Circle