Revising Business Messages Mary Ellen Guffey, Business Communication: Process and Product, 5e

Phase 3: Revising 1.Revise: Revise for 7 Cs (clear, conversational, courteous, coherent, concise, complete, correct), directness, vigor, tone, and “scanability” 2.Proofread: Proofread to verify spelling, grammar, punctuation, and format. Check for overall appearance 3.Evaluate: Ask yourself whether the final product will achieve its purpose, set up feedback mechanism

Know when to revise… …and when to start over!

Revising

Discussion: Communication Matters Golden Rules of Writing Well Notice the name of the journal where this article was published – why do people in this field need to write clearly and with “strong verbs”? What are some examples of “verbing” (turning a noun into a verb) that you use? Are these appropriate for business writing?

Revising techniques Keep it simple and conversational Keep it direct, clear, and vigorous Avoid awkward phrasing – have a rhythm Avoid pompous, “instant prose” Avoid passive voice Avoid perfect tense, “to be” verbs, 3 rd person Avoid “nouning” Develop parallelism Apply graphic highlighting

Keep it simple. Avoid indirect, pompous “instant prose” Poor: It would not be inadvisable for you to affix your signature at this point in time. Improved: You may sign now. Poor: Frequently a chapter’s title in a book reveals to the reader the main point that the author desires to bring out during the course of the chapter. Improved: A chapter’s title often reveals its main point. Source: George Mason University Writing Center

Keep it simple 1.Succeed in making 2.Were found to be in agreement 3.At this point in time 4.Made the statement that 1.Succeed 2.Agreed 3.Now 4.Stated Replace these wordy phrases with one word:

Keep it simple Eliminate stale, puffed-up expressions  as per your suggestion  pursuant to your request  enclosed please find  please feel free to call  thank you in advance as you suggested as you requested enclosed is please call thank you

Keep it simple at such time at which time due to the fact that inasmuch as in which in order to Reduce to when Reduce to because Reduce to where Reduce to to Reduce compound prepositions

Keep it simple  collect together  contributing factor  past history  basic fundamentals  personal opinion  perfectly clear  few in number  unexpected surprise Eliminate Redundancies: Say it once!

Keep it simple Use friendly words Stately words Accomplish Additional Approximately Characteristic Constructed Frequently Individuals Initial Requirement Reiterate Friendly words Achieve Added About Trait Built Often Persons First Need Repeat

Keep it simple Purge empty words As for the area of athletic shoes, the degree of profits sagged. This is to inform you that we have a toll- free service line. Not all students who are registered will attend.

Keep it simple Purge empty words. As for the area of athletic shoes’, the degree of profits sagged. This is to inform you that we have a toll- free service line. Not all students who are [registered] will attend.

Keep it simple Remove prepositional phrases Wordy: Most companies are unaware of the fact that college interns cannot displace regular employees Improved: Most companies are unaware that college interns cannot displace regular employees.

Revising Practice A request that we are making to managers is that they not spend all their time in their departments and instead visit other departments one hour a month. We in management are of the opinion that employees have not been made sufficiently aware of the problem of computer security.

Keep it simple: Kick the noun habit Wordy: We must conduct an investigation of all parking violations before we can give consideration to your fine. Improved: We must investigate all parking violations before we can consider your fine.

Kick the noun habit 1.Make a suggestion to 2.Provide an explanation of 3.With the exception of 4.Bring to a conclusion 1.Suggest 2.Explain 3.Except 4.Conclude (or end) Replace these wordy phrases with one word

Revising Practice It has been established that the incontestable key to the future success of QuadCam is a deep and firm commitment to quality. It is our suggestion that you do not attempt to move forward until you seek and obtain approval of the plan from the team leader prior to beginning this project

Keep it direct: Avoid Passive Voice Agent as object Passive: A policy of whitewashing and cover-up has been pursued by the CEO and several key Board members Active: The CEO and several key Board members pursued a policy of whitewashing and cover-up. Source: OWL at Purdue University

Keep it direct: Avoid Passive Voice Agent omitted Passive: Mistakes were made. Active: We made mistakes. Passive: Results will be published in the next issue of the journal. Active: The researchers will publish the results in the next issue of the journal. Source: OWL at Purdue University

Keep it direct: Avoid shifting voice Shifted: He tried to act cool when he slipped in the puddle, but he was still laughed at by the other students Revised: He tried to act cool when he slipped in the puddle, but the other students still laughed at him. Source: OWL at Purdue University

Keep it direct Avoid: perfect tense “to be” verbs 3 rd person Wordy: One would have had to inquire as to the worthiness of the project. Improved: The analysts needed to ask about the project’s value.

Keep it direct: Avoid “to be” verbs Am Is Are Be Being Been Was Were  Can make your sentences wordy, weak, choppy, or in passive tense  Eliminate all “to be” verbs not absolutely necessary for clarity/flow Source: Sam Houston Writing Center, 2004

How to eliminate “to be” verbs 1.Use verb without “to be” verb helper Lucia is smiling at the baby Lucia smiles at the baby 2.Modify phrase to add description, eliminate choppiness Steve is ill, so he is not going to work Steve is ill and cannot go to work Frances is a good cook. She will be able to go to culinary school. Frances is a good cook and will attend culinary school. Source: Sam Houston Writing Center 2004

Keep it clear: Avoid dangling modifiers (often caused by passive voice) Dangling: To win the lottery, a ticket must be purchased. (passive voice, missing agent) Revised: To win the lottery, you must purchase a ticket.

Keep it clear: Avoid dangling modifiers (often caused by passive voice) Dangling: Seeking to lay off workers without taking the blame, consultants were hired to break the bad news. (Who was laying off workers? The consultants?) Revised: Seeking to lay off workers without taking the blame, the CEO hired consultants to break the bad news. Source: OWL at Purdue University

Keep it clear: Avoid misplaced modifiers Misplaced modifier: The busy personnel director interviewed only candidates who had excellent computer skills in the morning. (Were the candidates skilled only in the mornings?) Revised: In the morning, the busy personnel director only interviewed candidates with excellent computer skills

Keep it clear and rhythmic Not parallel: We can collect information, store it, and later it can be updated. Parallel: We can collect, store, and update information.

Revising Practice Ms. Thomas tries to read all messages daily, but responses may not be made until the following day. Last year Mr. Alvarro wrote letters and was giving presentations to promote his business. For this position we assess oral and written communication skills, how well individuals solve problems, whether they can work with teams, and we’re also interested in interpersonal skills, such as cultural awareness and sensitivity

One last time with clarity, conciseness, and vigor 1.Due to the fact that is a valuable tool in business, we in management are pleased to make available to all employees who are authorized to use it. 2.Those who function as suppliers may not have a full understanding of the problem. 3.For each and every single customer who complains, there are 10 to 15 other ones out there who are not bothering to speak up about their dissatisfaction or unhappiness.

Proofreading

Proofreading Do not rely on Word spell checker! Eye have a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea. It plainly marques four my revue miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Watch for Posses when you mean possesses Their when you mean there It’s when you mean its

How to Proofread Complex Documents Set it aside for a breather Read the message at least twice, read aloud Read sentences out of context (start at end) Use a peer editor to identify (not fix!) errors Congratulate, don’t criticize, yourself when you find errors: Think of the points you save with each error you find!

Evaluating

Evaluating the Outcome Does your message reflect your audience analysis? Does the message set an effective tone? Will it achieve its purpose? Did you encourage feedback?

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