EXERCISING PARENTAL AUTHORITY WITH TEENAGERS

From the parent’s perspective: Adolescence is that terrible “something” that happens to children when they turn 13!

From the teen’s perspective: Adolescence is that terrible “something” that happens to parents when their children turn 13!

Adolescents accuse their parents:  Denying them freedom  Oppression  Authoritarianism  Holding on to outdated beliefs  Not living up to what they preach

Parents accuse adolescents:  Irresponsibility  Inconsistency and lack of proper priorities  Utopian idealism that will lead them to nowhere  Lack of reflection or foresight  Bad choice of friends who derail them

Concrete examples areas of conflict:  Poor academic performance  Laziness: oversleeping, idleness  Bad Friends  Going out (for parties, sleepovers etc)  Moodiness/ rudeness/being disrespectful  Relationship with girls

Use of gadgetry

 Religious convictions  Career choices  Style of dressing  Choice of music  Not eating healthy  Avoiding parents’ company  Choice of hobbies

Suggestions on how to deal with the conflicts:

In important matters draw the line

Identify the matter clearly Explain why the issue is important to you Explain possible consequences of crossing the line Encourage debate: questions, clarification etc. before not after.

Examples: Use of drugs Alcohol abuse Pornography Relationship with girls Parties and sleepovers How late he can stay out Use of mobile phones

In unimportant matters be ready to concede.

Do not concede: out of fear of provoking a confrontation. Because of the persistence and aggression the teenager uses in making his demands Out of manipulation of our guilt conscience

Examples:  Watching the world Cup: which matches?  Style of clothing and hairstyles  Extracurricular activities  Holiday activities  Hobbies

Avoid correcting in anger!

 Listen more and speak less. At times silence is the best option especially when we are angry.  Do not offer general criticism. Focus on the specific action that you are unhappy with and not the person: Use facts and not opinions  Try and not betray loyalties: “You are not the son I gave birth to…; what kind of man are you….; you will become like your useless uncles….

 Do not condemn by predicting doom in the future. Focus on what needs to be done NOW to secure the future.  Do not correct in front of others. This is shaming and not correcting. It might degenerate into power battles as each party tries to save face.  Do not give an answer to an important demand before thinking through; it is better to ask for more time to consult and think about it. If he insists on an answer now it will be a “no”. If he is willing to wait, the answer might change.

 Avoid excessive dependence learn to ask for their opinions and solutions to some of the problems they come up with. In less important matters, let them try their options even if you are sure they are likely to fail.  Focus less and less on defects and more and more on strong points

 Avoid comparing him with his siblings; they detest it.  Prepare well for an encounter that is likely to generate heat. Prepare notes.  Offer your personal experiences especially of your struggles that the teens can identify with

 Inform him of anything special that he needs to know e.g. issues regarding his identity, anything that is likely to affect the family either positively or negatively. This shows that you trust him. If he learns it from another source, he learns not to trust you… and undermines your authority.

 Be physically present. This ensures consistency in guiding the teenager  We should NOT be discouraged that there are conflicts. It is normal when dealing with teenagers.

 Good Luck!