An Addiction Specialist Looks At Sexual Addiction Ken Roy, MD River Oaks Hospital Tulane Department of Psychiatry Addiction Recovery Resources of New Orleans

Sex Why should we talk about sex? Because we don’t Sex is dirty, full of shame, secret If there is a secret you want to carry to your grave, it’ll get you drunk/loaded We don’t want you to relapse The single most frequent cofactor in relapse has something to do with sex

Normal Behavior Does anyone know anyone who doesn’t have sex? Therefore having sex is normal behavior What would happen if no one had sex? Therefore having sex is necessary behavior Can you become addicted to behavior that is both normal and necessary?

Addiction to Normal Behaviors If a behavior has a negative effect on one or more of the seven major areas of life - and we don’t stop doing it Just like: Compulsion Loss of control Continued use in the face of negative consequences Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual

Levels of Sexual Addiction Level One Addictive behavior that involves normal sexual activity Level Two Involves nuisance kinds of criminal sexual activity Level Three Horrific kinds of criminal sexual activity Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual

How Many of Us Are Involved? Level One 90% at some time in our using careers Level Two Unknown – 12% - 25% as victims Level Three Unknown – 60% of females & 40% of males are victims Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual

Learned vs. Genetic Addictions Genetic addictions Alcoholism Drug addictions Learned addictions Sex, work, exercise, food, gambling, internet People addiction, or Co Dependency Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual

How Would You Learn? Family dysfunction - distorted Core Beliefs I am a bad, unworthy person Trauma -> Abuse = Shame No one would love me as I am Absence of Unconditional Love My needs would never be met if I had to depend on others Sense of abandonment and absence of nurturing Sex (Love) is my most important need Inappropriate Sexual Messages (Sexual Trauma) Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual

How Would You Act? Distorted core beliefs I am a bad, unworthy person Trauma -> Abuse = Shame No one would love me as I am Absence of Unconditional Love My needs would never be met if I had to depend on others Sense of abandonment and absence of nurturing Sex (Love) is my most important need Inappropriate Sexual Messages (Sexual Trauma) Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual OK In charge No needs Act?

How It starts Distorted core beliefs I am a bad, unworthy person Trauma -> Abuse = Shame No one would love me as I am Absence of Unconditional Love My needs would never be met if I had to depend on others Sense of abandonment and absence of nurturing Sex (Love) is my most important need Inappropriate Sexual Messages (Sexual Trauma) Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual OK In charge No needs Act?

Developing a Cycle Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual OK In charge No needs Act?

Why About Me? My own story Multiple relationships Recovery “Coincidences” After ninth step Promises No longer regret the past, or wish to shut the door on it

How it Goes Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual OK In charge No needs Act?

Other Levels Family Spouse Job ($) Medical Legal Social Spiritual OK In charge No needs Act?

How it Ends

If You Identify Specific 12-Step meetings SAA, SLAA Primary 12-Step meeting 1 st fourth and fifth step About drinking and drugging 2 nd fourth and fifth step About relationships One way or the other – Deal With It!

Sexually Addicted Relationship If the measure of the success of the relationship is the value of the sex in the relationship If the reward for “good” behavior is sex If the punishment for “bad” behavior is withholding sex If the focus of the relationship is on sex

Sexual Co Dependency Focus and self worth dependent on the behavior of another – in this case, sex Co Dependent will often: Invade the person, belongings and schedule of the sex addict Behave flirtatiously, dress flirtatiously or even have sex with others to control the behavior of the addict Focus on another to the neglect of self

Love is Not a Feeling True adult love is a decision To take an interest in and make a commitment to the spiritual and emotional well being of another The types of love Filial = what we feel for relatives Eros = I want to make a baby with you Agape = true adult love Success in love (relationship) depends on expectations of love in a relationship

What is Life All About? Not about winning Probably about some of the things that we don’t learn well if we grow up in dysfunction Intimacy Unconditional love The ability to nurture and be nurtured A relationship with a power greater than ourselves

If This Touched a “bad” Place Listen to your feelings They’re important Access your support system Use your staff Get ready to begin healing The road to recovery is directly through pain