Intimate Relationships, 6/e Chapter 9 Sexuality Miller Intimate Relationships, 6/e McGraw-Hill/Irwin Copyright (c) 2012 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.

Sexual Attitudes Attitudes about Casual Sex Most people in the U.S. believe that sex among unmarried people is acceptable as long as it occurs in an affectionate, committed relationship. We’re no longer expected to “save sex for marriage” as our grandparents were supposed to do.

Sexual Attitudes Attitudes about Casual Sex Men are more permissive than women, and are more accepting of casual, uncommitted sex than women are. Perhaps they can afford to be. The vestiges of a sexual double standard that judges permissive women more harshly than permissive men may still exist.

Sexual Attitudes Attitudes about Same-Sex Sexuality 43% of Americans disapprove of sexual relations between people of the same sex, but in 2010 52% of Americans considered gay and lesbian relations to be “morally acceptable.” However, tolerance is increasing, in part because the more contact people have with gays and lesbians, the more favorable their feelings toward them tend to be.

Sexual Attitudes Cultural Differences in Sexual Attitudes The United States holds more conservative, less permissive attitudes about: premarital sex teenage sex extramarital sex, and same-sex relationions than do Australia, Germany, Great Britain, Israel, Russia, Spain, and Sweden.

Sexual Behavior Two introductory points: There’s enormous variability in behavior from person to person. Sexual behavior that is common is not necessarily more desirable or appropriate than is behavior that is less typical.

Sexual Behavior Sex for the First Time 95% of us have sex before marriage. The average age of first intercourse is 17 for men and women. By age 20, only 15% of people have not yet had sex. The teen birth rate is much lower than it was 15 years ago. 25% of female teenagers have a sexually transmitted infection—18% have HPV. Most people have sex for the first time within a steady relationship.

Sexual Behavior Sex in Committed Relationships Spouses and cohabiting partners have sex more often than singles do. The frequency of intercourse decreases with age; older people generally have sex much less often than younger people do.

Sexual Behavior Sexual orientation is important. Lesbians have sex less often than other couples do. In new partnerships, gay men have sex more often than anyone else, but they have less sex than heterosexual couples in the long run.

Sexual Behavior Monogamy Most husbands and wives never have extradyadic sex after they marry, but about one out of every five wives and one out of three husbands do. As you can see, men are more likely to have extramarital affairs than women are. What happens, then, in couples in which both of the partners are men?

Sexual Behavior Gay men have more extradyadic sex than other people do. (But they may not be cheating. Both partners may like to have such freedom.)

Sexual Behavior Infidelity For some of us, sex is connected to love and commitment: We only want to have sex with people we care for deeply. For others of us, “sex without love is okay”: We’re content to have sex with people whom we do not love – Extradyadic sex. These different approaches emerge from our sociosexual orientations, the beliefs and behaviors that describe our feelings about sex.

Sexual Behavior Infidelity People with “restricted” sociosexual orientations: Prefer to have sex only in the context of a close, committed relationship Tend to have secure attachment styles Are more committed to their romantic partners Are less likely to have extradyadic sex

Sexual Behavior Infidelity People with “unrestricted” sociosexual orientations: Pursue sex in casual, uncommitted relationships Tend to be dynamic, flirtatious, sociable people Tend to be relatively uncomfortable with intimacy Are less committed to their romantic partners Are more likely to have extradyadic sex

Sexual Behavior Monogamy The quality of one’s relationship matters, too. People who feel unfairly underbenefited and who are less satisfied and less committed are more likely to be unfaithful to their partners.

Sexual Behavior Sexual Desire Men tend to have higher sex drives than women do. They experience more frequent and more intense sexual desires than women do… …and they are routinely more motivated to engage in sexual activity than women are.

Sexual Behavior Sexual Desire Remember, sizable individual differences exist. Nevertheless: Men masturbate more often. Men want sex more often, and they are more likely to be dissatisfied with the amount of sex they get. In new relationships, men want sex sooner than women do. Men fantasize about sex more often. Men spend more money on sex. Men are more accepting of casual sex.

Sexual Behavior Sexual Desire Frustration and annoyance may result as heterosexual couples negotiate their sexual interactions. Also, women are usually the “gatekeepers” who decide when sex occurs… …and they may find men willing to offer various concessions in exchange for sex.

Sexual Behavior Preventing Pregnancy and STIs Most college students have had hookups, or sexual interactions with casual partners that last only one night. About half of these interactions involve oral sex or intercourse, and when intercourse occurs, condoms are used only half the time. Why does any high-risk sex still occur among (otherwise) smart young adults?

Sexual Behavior Preventing Pregnancy and STIs People who know better sometimes neglect to use condoms because: They consider condoms to be awkward or embarrassing Alcohol myopia blinds them to the potential consequences of unsafe sex

Sexual Behavior Safe, Sensible Sex ¾ of college students have had hookups (casual sex, or “one-night stands” with nonromantic partners, with no expectation of a lasting relationship). Many people do not use condoms when they have sex with a new or temporary partner. Why? Underestimates of risk Pluralistic ignorance The illusion of unique invulnerability Inequalities in power Faulty decision making Abstinence education Intoxication Decreased intimacy and pleasure

Sexual Satisfaction Sexual Frequency and Satisfaction Most people say they’re quite satisfied with their sex lives… …but satisfaction with sex is tied to its frequency. People who have sex more often are happier with their sex lives than are those who have sex less frequently. (This may seem obvious, but there may be several reasons why.)

Sexual Satisfaction Sex and Relationship Satisfaction Couples who are happy with their sex lives tend to be happy with their relationships, as well. Good sex probably makes a partnership more gratifying… …but a happy, loving relationship makes the sex better, too.

Sexual Satisfaction Self-Determination Theory and Sexual Satisfaction Sexual interactions are most rewarding when they fulfill basic human needs for: Autonomy – Choice and control of our own actions Competence – Feeling confident and capable Relatedness – Establishing close connections to others

Sexual Communication Too many of us are uncomfortable talking about sex, so sexual communication often presents special problems.

Sexual Communication Communicating Desire People often never tell their partners that they’re interested in sex. They signal their desire and consent through indirect, nonverbal means. In fact, people rarely straightforwardly say, “Yes, I’d like to have sex.” More often, they just don’t resist and don’t say “No.”

Sexual Communication Sexual Communication and Satisfaction Partners who talk candidly about sex have more fulfilling sexual interactions with each other than do those who just grunt and moan now and then. That’s why Masters & Johnson (1979) argued that gays and lesbians routinely enjoy better sex with each other than most heterosexual couples do.

Sexual Communication Sexual Communication and Satisfaction Miscommunication also creates problems when men interpret friendliness from women as signs of sexual interest, even when the women have no wish to be flirtatious or provocative.

Sexual Coercion Unwanted sexual experiences are all too common. 13% of women and 3% of men have been victims of rape. 22% of women and 14% of men have been victims of sexual assault.

Sexual Coercion Some patterns: Men are more likely than women to engage in sexually aggressive behavior. Women are more often victims than perpetrators. Perpetrators underestimate the force they use and the harm they do.

Sexual Coercion A regrettable complication is that, on occasion, some women offer token resistance to sex by initially saying “No” when they really mean “Yes.” Sometimes, men get rewarded if they ignore a partner’s apparent reluctance and persist in their pursuit of sex.

Sexual Coercion As long as we support a culture that -- regards male sexual activity as a form of conquest, -- encourages women to “play” hard-to-get, and -- trains us to be embarrassed by honest talk with a sexual partner, it will be difficult to disentangle power and violence from issues of sexual communication and responsibility.

For Your Consideration Chad was in love with Jennifer. He felt a lot of sexual desire for her, and he always enjoyed having sex with her, but he still felt something was missing. She was usually glad to have sex, and she seemed to enjoy it, too, but she rarely took any initiative and he typically did all the work. She usually just lay there, and he wanted her to be more active and take the lead now and then. He wished that she would be more inventive, and he wanted her to work him over occasionally. Nevertheless, he didn’t say anything. Their sex was good, if not great, and he worried that any complaints would make things worse, not better, between them. What do you think the future holds for Chad and Jennifer? Why?