Family Life, Military Style

The Silent Ranks I wear no uniform, no dress blues or army greens. But I am among the military ranks rarely seen. I have no rank upon my shoulder. Salutes I do not give. But the military is the world in which I live. I’m not the one who fires the weapons, who puts my life on the line. But my job is just as tough, I’m the one that’s left behind. My husband is a patriot, a brave and prideful man, and the call to Serve his country, not everyone can understand. Behind the lines I see the things needed to keep this country free. My husband makes the sacrifice, but so do my children and me. I love the man I man I married. Soldering is life. But I stand among the silent ranks known as the military wife. Author Unknown

Types of military service Active Duty – USA, USMC, USN, USAF, USCG AGR - Active Guard/Reserve NGB - National Guard Reserves – USAR, USMCR, USNR, USAFR, USCGR Types of veterans Veteran Combat Veteran

Impact of deployment History has taught Reunions/Reintegrations are more stressful than separation People grow and change Expectations are different Experiences were different

Being part of the military requires 2 sets of skills

“Military Skills” are not always the same as “Civilian Skills” Service members– need both War Zone/Military and Civilian skills Family members – part of a military community while living among civilians Communities – Don’t always understand challenges faced by service members and military families “Normal” behavior for a military family is often not understood by other family members, friends, co-workers or our communities.

Mission Oriented Military Mission assigned-unrelated tasks are unimportant Decisions need to quick, clear, accurate No time for discussion “one person talks - everyone listens” Civilian Multi-tasking – can cause confusion Difficulty in cooperative decision making Frustration with others “everyone talks - no one listens

Talking Military May be limited - need to know Can be little or no time to talk about powerful events Don’t want to be seen as “weak” Civilians don’t understand/ask too many questions Civilian “Civilianeze” foreign language Social chatter is a waste Give little information More comfortable with other service members/battle buddies

Safety and Trust Military Vigilance pays off Never relax Assume everyone is the enemy Civilian Avoid getting involved Always on guard Suspicious of everyone Test people to earn trust Difficulty attending activities, going out in public or large crowds or feeling safe with anyone but other service members or veterans

“Not talking about your emotions in war (strength) can lead to can’t talk about emotions at home (weakness) Military Control emotions Numbing Anger-useful, protective, is a survival skill Civilian Appear insensitive to others Decreased ability to read others emotions Decreased emotional enjoyment Irritability/defensiveness/ increased aggression Emotions / Anger

Authority Military Little room for choice – no discussion/debate May be in leadership role, gives orders May not have much authority May not have faith in authority Civilian May resent authority May be reluctant to let others have authority May take on too much authority, or want none at all May lead to increased confrontations

Closeness Military Can create intense relationships Strong bonds – depend on each other for survival If losses, learn to avoid closeness Civilian Long term intimacy more complicated May expect same level of intensity at home May push loved ones away Loved ones may push them away

Stressors Service Member Focus on mission Worry about family at home May worry if still needed at home May not share information with family May share too much information with family Feeling of safety Family Member Worry about SM Holding down the fort Emotions - may hold back to protect them or dump emotions if no other support system available May have increased emotional needs May not have support of a military community

MILITARY SKILLS Do not automatically change when they come home Reestablishing roles can be challenging

READJUSTMENT  No definite time period  Can take weeks, months or years (depending on length of separation, experiences, resources, understanding by civilians) NEW WAYS OF THINKING  Requires NEW WAYS OF THINKING

Reintegration ● Sharing responsibilities & decisions may be difficult ● Interdependence ● Understanding & patience ● Hard to give up independence ● New or different perspectives FOCUS ON ALL ASPECTS OF LIFE

How have family members changed?  More independent  Used to making their own decisions  New friends/relationships  Children may be significantly different  New routines  New perspectives  Changes in the environment

KIDS’ REACTIONS TO CHANGES IN FAMILY DYNAMIC Remember - the children have gone through this too…… o Vary by age of child o Shouldn’t be taken personally by parents o Address emotions o Predictable overall

What to do for military families… Ask them how they are doing before asking anything else! Be Respectful Be Competent Be Culturally Competent Simplify complicated procedures Consider schedules, needs, resources Include military systems as appropriate Refer to Military Family Assistance Center (FAC) Contact FAC Specialists

POINTS TO PONDER !!!!!  “No One Comes Back Unchanged” (COL (DR.) Tom Burke, DOD, Director of Mental Health Policy)  War changes persons for the better too!  Help is available “They” is “Us” – they’re our families, our friends, our neighbors, our coworkers

Resources  WI Service Member Support Division (SMSD) -for Service Members, Veterans and Family Members of all Service Branches  Military OneSource – for Service Members and Dependents  Real Warriors – building resilience, supporting reintegration and morewww.realwarriors.net  National Military Family Association – for Service Members, Veterans and their families  Center for Deployment Psychology – topic page on Military Families and Deployment

Resources  Operation Homefront - for Service Members and Dependents.  Operation Military Kids - to connect military kids and enhance their well-beingwww.militarykids.org  Military Kids Connect - an interactive website for military kids  Joining Community Forces – for communities to join together in providing resources for our military population. Military Family Assistance Center at option 3 This is just a very small sampling of resources available. If you want more specific resources, contact the Military Family Assistance Center at option 3

Thank you military families for your service Thank you veterans and service members for your service