Communication Builders and Barriers

Barriers A material, object or set of objects that separates, demarcates, (to set separate),or serves as a barricade. Something immaterial that impedes or separates. Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary

Barriers Assuming Rescuing/Explaining Directing Expecting Adultisms

Situation to reflect on Let's look at an example as a means of understanding the barriers and builders. Suppose four-year-old Linda becomes stuck when her tricycle wheel runs off the sidewalk. There are several ways a parent could handle this situation that would decrease feelings of capability

ASSUMING Thinking you know what other people think, what they will do and how they will respond.

Assuming Effects Be sure you don't let your wheel come off the edge of the sidewalk, because your bike will get stuck." This remark reflects a combination of barriers. Assuming that the child would not stay away from the edge of the sidewalk led to a form of directing. And directing involved an attempt to rescue the child in advance.

Effects continued Assuming keeps us from letting the child ride down the sidewalk and discover the problem. These barriers create an extremely frustrating experience for children

RESCUING/EXPLAINING Stepping in to explain what happened rather than asking the kind of questions that will help a person discover what happened. Or, rescuing a person so he/she does not have to experience the consequence or learn from the consequence.

Effects of Rescuing Behavior Rescuing: "Don't cry, honey. I'll fix it for you." If we rush in and save our children, we are telling them they are incapable of taking care of their lives.

Effects of Explaining Explaining: "That's what happens when you don't watch where you are going."

Effects of Explaining Explaining what happened and how to fix it, instead of helping children examine and analyze their own problems, is neglecting an opportunity to foster the perceptions that children are capable.

Outcome that we want By allowing them to take the consequences of their actions, we are telling them they are capable of handling both the behavior and the consequences.

DIRECTING Giving instruction on each step to make sure it’s done MY way (the right way). Attitude of controlling another…. (Pick that up, hand it to me, etc. ) Power over another

Example of Directing Directing: "Don't just sit there and cry. Get off and push the tricycle back on the sidewalk."

Effect of Directing Directing children through each step instead of exploring how a task can be accomplished sends the message that children are incapable of doing the task on their own without specific directions. Reduces child’s natural inclination to trust their instincts and try to solve problems on their own.

EXPECTING The art of setting high standards and then pointing out the person’s failure to reach those standards.

Example of Expecting I knew you could not ride your tricycle correctly, now you have the wheel stuck.

Effects of Expecting We should have high standards but be careful of making the standard by which we judge the children by.

ADULTISMS Adultism-ing is a process in relationships of requiring people to read our minds and to think as we do. How come you never…? Why can’t you ever….? Surely you realize! How many times do I have to tell you ?

Example of Adultism "You knew you were supposed to keep the handlebars straight. How come you never keep your eyes on the sidewalk? Why can't you ever do it right? Surely you realize what will happen if you don't! When will you ever listen?"

Effects of Adultism Children feel personally attacked by adultisms, because this type of remark implies, "Well, I should have known you weren't big enough to ride by yourself yet." In short, by attacking the person and failing to point to the problem, adults make children feel worthless and incapable.

Builders To construct or develop as an integral part of something. To develop gradually by increments To promote the esteem of To accumulate or develop appreciably Webster’s New Collegiate Dictionary

Builders Checking Exploring Encouraging/Inviting Celebrating Respecting

Appropriate response to Linda's predicament Whoops! Honey, what do you think would happen if you got off your tricycle and backed it up?" That question may seem very similar to explaining or directing, but there is a subtle and important difference.

What she might learn? The final answer must come from Linda after she pauses to consider the question. She may even try out the suggestion to find out what would happen. This would represent fruitful explorations of the experience conducted by the child and encouraged by the parent.

Effect of experience for Linda Linda's perception of bikes and sidewalks might even change, and the change would constitute true learning.

CHECKING Asking other people what they think, what they plan to do: or trying to understand why they chose to respond the way they did.

EXPLORING Asking the “What?” “Why?” and “How?” questions to help a person become aware of his/her own perceptions and the consequences of his/her choices. This helps put the responsibility of the action on the person. Do not make it an inquisition.

ENCOURAGING/INVITING Seeing people as assets rather than objects or recipients. Allowing for mistakes and different ways of doing things. Encourages involvement

CELEBRATING Recognizing progress and encouraging any step in that direction. Look for what is gained. Be honest.

RESPECT Being willing to “get into the world” of another person. The language of respect is “What is your understanding of_______?” “Let me be sure that I understand what you think or feel” Be honest and not condescending.