A Parents Guide to Helping Children Become More Independent Presented by: Dianntha, Kate, Michaela, & Sherry

Parents should recognize that they may experience mixed feelings about the emergence of autonomy in their toddler. Toddlers need to be allowed to practice making choices in ways that cause no harm to themselves or others. Social safety is as important as physical safety for children. Social safety involves teaching toddlers how to avoid social perils such as wiping their nose on a playmate’s clothing or spitting on a neighbor’s child. Parents should support efforts of their child to be autonomous without overestimating or underestimating the child’s capabilities or the external dangers and internal fears that the child might face. Increased self-esteem in the toddler is the natural outcome of supportive parenting. If parents consistently show disapproval of failures, then a pattern of blame and self-doubt may emerge on which the toddler forms negative ideas about self- worth and ability.

Make your home safe for your little explorer. To really develop her independence, your child must constantly test limits by exploring her surroundings. That's why it's important to make sure your home is toddler-safe. Instead of running around saying "no" every time she touches something that could harm her, put dangerous objects out of her reach and lots of safe fun stuff within it. This will give her a little more autonomy, and you some added peace of mind.

Allow your child to take the lead. Every parent needs to set limits, but sometimes it's okay to let your toddler take the reins — even if her decisions seem outlandish. If, for example, your 2- year-old insists on wearing her swimming suit in home, let her — at some point she'll notice that it make no sense. By allowing her to come to that conclusion on her own, you give her the chance to learn and grow.

In order to behave in a self- controlled way, toddlers must first be able to think of themselves as separate individuals who are able to direct their own actions. Self-control first appears as compliance between 12 and 18 months of age. Toddlers demonstrate that they are aware of the adult’s wishes and are also able to obey requests. One way that toddlers assert their autonomy is to resist the directives of adults with actions and expressions such as “NO!” While annoying, in small measure this non-compliant behavior is normal and is, in fact, a healthy sign of psychosocial growth. Usually, compliant behavior outweighs oppositional behavior in homes where care giving is warm and sensitive.

Show her the ropes Being able to do a job well is key to a sense of independence and accomplishment in your toddler. But to foster her abilities, you'll have to demonstrate tasks slowly and clearly, breaking them down into separate actions. Walk her through each step of clearing her place at the table, for instance (first carry the plate to the sink, then the cup, then the silverware). Then watch how she does it on her own, and give her lots of pats on the back for trying.

When your toddler sees you doing anything vaguely interesting — cooking, cleaning, putting together furniture — she wants to get in there with you and help. When this happens, try to find a way for your child to assist you. She may not be able to stir a pot of spaghetti sauce, for example, but you can ask her to fetch you the ladle, then let her put the place mats on the table.

Resist the urge to jump in. If you've assigned a job to your toddler, let her see it through, even if it takes her twice as long as it would you. Unless you're in a real hurry, let her take five minutes to fold her nightgown in the morning — she'll feel more accomplished afterward than if you finished her work for her.

References  Calgary Health Region. Autonomy Fact Sheet. Available: