WHITEBOARD WINDOWWINDOW DOORDOOR WINDOWWINDOW Controlled Assessment

He hoped he would have the strength to do what was right. He knew that he could save everybody if he just had enough courage to tell the right people. His palms were sweaty; he could see the crowds that look liked flocks of birds down below. He felt the icy smooth screen of his iPhone as he looked for the number. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the fume-filled air and pressed the phone number. Begins with the question idea Describes the sense - Feel Simile Metaphor Alliteration Is this an effective opening?

Read the extract below. What is effective about it? What kind of room is being described? ‘There was a rich warmth about the room. The elegant simplicity of the furnishings did nothing to disguise the expanse and care which had gone into their making. I moved silently across the richly carpeted floor to the piano, and began to search through the papers for the document I wanted.’ THINK: What does this SHOW the reader about the room? THINK: What does it show the reader about the character? THINK: How does this technique make a NARRATIVE more effective?

Showing NOT Telling He was really tall. He towered above me.

Varying Sentences Simple Sentences – a sentence that contains one clause: My hands were shaking. Compound Sentences – a sentence that joins two main clauses together using a connective: My hands were shaking and a bead of sweat ran down my cheek. Complex Sentences – a sentence that contains two clauses however the subordinate clause is reliant on the main clause: Although my hands were shaking and sweat ran down my cheek, I forced myself to continue

Varying Sentence Openings Start with a verb (“-ing”) Smashing against the bottom of the rocks, the waves sent white foam shooting into the air. Start with “as” or “while” (prepositions – you can also use prepositions like under, behind, before etc …) As the skies darkened, raindrops began to pour down. While the gulls screamed overhead, a lonely dog raced along the wet sand. Start with an adjective (a describing word) Grotesque images danced before my eyes. Start with an adverb (a word that describes the verb) Silently, he crept towards the exit

He hoped he would have the strength to do what was right. He knew that he could save everybody if he just had enough courage to tell the right people. His palms were sweaty; he could see the crowds that look liked flocks of birds down below. He felt the icy smooth screen of his iPhone as he looked for the number. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath of the fume-filled air and pressed the phone number. Begins with the question idea Describes the sense - Feel Simile Metaphor Alliteration Is this an effective opening?

He hoped he would have the strength to do what was right. Terrifying thoughts filled his head. As he gasped for air he knew that he could save everybody if he just had enough courage to tell the right people. Shaking, he looked down; he could see the crowds below, they looked like flocks of birds. Silently he removed the object he was clutching from his pocket; he felt the icy smooth screen of his iPhone as he looked for the number. Squeezing his eyes shut, he took a deep breath of the fume-filled air and pressed the phone number. Is this a more effective opening? Why? THINK: Does this use SHOWING not TELLING THINK: Does this use a range of sentences? THINK: Does this use a variety of sentence openings?

Improving Last week you wrote the opening Today you will re-write this opening by including: – At least two examples of SHOWING not TELLING – At least one SIMPLE sentence – At least one COMPOUND sentence – At least one COMPLEX sentence – At least three different sentence openings (verb, preposition, adjective or adverb)

Swap books with a partner Swap books with a partner. Read BOTH narrative openings and then complete this feedback sentence for your partner’s work: I think that opening number _ is most effective because....  Has your partner used SHOWING not TELLING?  Has your partner used a variety of sentences? (SIMPLE, COMPOUND and COMPLEX)  Has your partner used a range of sentence openings? (VERB, PREPOSITION, ADJECTIVE and ADVERB)

Narrative structure Building on an Effective Opening Build tension with key events Hook us straight in Resolve questions/ tension 2-3 characters 

Narrative Examples ‘Everyone said you should never go back but I could not resist … it was too easy to go back; to difficult to stay away. As I walked down the familiar street I began to feel like I was coming home, everything began to hold a special meaning for me. The lavender plant that overflowed the wall of number 82, the tatty stone duck that sat on the doorstep of number 68, the black cat who watched me with her green eyes from the window of number 47; they all meant something to me. I stopped at the path that led to the door of number 30. It looked the same as the last time I had been here. Nothing had changed. The gold numbers still glinted in the sunlight, the red of the door still needed a second coat and the screw was still missing from the letterbox.

Narrative Examples Alone The moon shone down into the dark street creating shadows where evil could lurk without fear of being discovered. He stood in one corner, waiting and watching. The teenager crossed the road; hurriedly pulling the hood of his grey hooded sweatshirt over his head trying to prevent the biting wind from attacking him. His faded red converse gently slapped the pavement as he jogged towards his part time job. For some reason the evening felt different, it was no later than it had been the night before, in fact it was a little earlier; he wanted to arrive before his shift started so he could have a word with Kate. Yet, there was something unusual hanging in the air, he could almost feel the weight of eyes watching his every move. Feeling nervous he glanced over his right should, nothing but an old industrial sized bin leaning against the wall of the deserted greasy spoon. He quickened his pace, smiling a little to himself at his own nerves. Kate would never want to go the cinema with a loser who was afraid of a deserted street.

Practise Makes Perfect Controlled Assessments are NOT allowed to be drafted and marked. HOWEVER a practise piece CAN be marked – and you can use those targets to help inform your actual CA. You have the remainder of this lesson to write a practise narrative. Your title is ‘On the Run’ These will be collected in and marked this evening – so that you can use targets and advice given when planning your ACTUAL CA.