Managing Anger and Criticism Sun Rays of Hope December 17, 2010

Anger Experiencing anger is a normal part of life. Anger is a feeling. Feelings are neither good nor bad; they just are.

Anger Can Be Frightening Our own anger can scare us * Fear of loss of control Other people’s anger can be scary * fear that they will get violent * fear that they don’t like us anymore * generalized fear/discomfort with anger

“Wired in” Fight/Flight Response The brain chemistry of all animals, including humans, is designed to respond to a perceived threat (like someone’s anger) through: * Fight, or * Flight (avoidance) This is a very primitive part of the brain F/F often useful, but not always appropriate

Goals for Today Learn appropriate ways to respond to the anger of others Learn ways to manage our own anger Learn how to take criticism and profit from it

A Core Value … R – E – S – P – E – C – T Respect for yourself and Respect for others

Think/Pair/Share Think about: Some ways you respond to the anger of others which often make matters worse. Pair: Get a partner Share: Your typical ways of responding to an angry person Thank your partner

Responding to an Angry Person Safety First: “Flight” response if appropriate (emergency action plan) In most situations: Take a slow, deep breath Try to stand or sit still Don’t touchDon’t point Don’t orderDon’t scold Don’t challenge

Responding to an Angry Person Let other people “own” their anger, and avoid becoming infected by it! Sort through “irrational stuff” in order to get to the real problem. “Irrational stuff” might include: profanity, sarcasm, name-calling, voice tones, facial expressions, manipulative ?s, exaggeration, physical acting-out.

Step 1 – Responding to an Angry Person Listen to their complete initial “explosion” No interruptions Stay calm Don’t talk until you’ve thought about what to say

Step 2 – Responding to an Angry Person Acknowledge the reality of their anger and wait for their response “I wasn’t aware you felt that way.” “I can see there is a problem.” “I can tell that you’re upset.”

Step 3 – Responding to an Angry Person Make a regret statement and wait for their response “I’m sorry you feel that way.” “I’m sorry you’re having a hard time with this.” “It’s unfortunate that things have gotten to this point.”

Step 4 – Responding to an Angry Person Make an empathy statement and wait for their response “I can understand why you are upset.” “I can see you’ve had a tough time.” “I can tell that you’re very angry.”

Step 5 – Responding to an Angry Person If appropriate, OK to agree with the content issue: “That shouldn’t have happened.” “You’re right; this is a real problem.” “Something does need to be done about that.”

Step 6 – Responding to an Angry Person Ask permission to ask questions/offer suggestions. If permission is given: “Have you thought about what you’ll do now?” “One of the things you could try is …” “Here’s a possibility …”

Step 7 – Responding to an Angry Person End on an action step, if possible and appropriate. But, be prepared to do a “broken record”: * “I can’t do anything about that” * “I don’t have the ability to do anything about that” * “I can’t do anything about that”

Steps 1 – 7 only work if … You sincerely want to work things out. You stay calm. You want a “win/win” situation more than you want to “win.”

Think/Pair/Share # 2 Think about: Some ways you act when you are angry which often make matters worse. Pair: Get a (different) partner Share: Your typical ways of handling your anger Thank your partner

Managing Anger that Originates Within You Our thoughts produce our emotions Anger is almost always a secondary emotion “blocking” or “hiding” other emotions (like fear, hurt feelings, rejection, embarrassment) Anger originates within the angry person (No one can “make you” angry).

3 Observations Thoughts always precede feelings. I choose my own thoughts. I create my own emotions.

How to Take Criticism How to minimize the “hurt” of criticism: Apply the “grain of truth” test: Is any part of the criticism valid? If it is, use it/learn from it. Be a good judge of criticism. If you’re not sure if there is any truth to it when you are criticized, ask for feedback privately from someone you trust.

Respect & the Golden Rule Remember … Respect others. Respect yourself. Treat others the way you would like to be treated.