Dealing with Emotions “The fully human being experiences the fullness of his [her] emotional life; [s]he is in touch with, attuned to his [her] emotions, aware of what they are saying to him [her] about his [her] needs and his [her] relationship with others.” --Carl Rogers

Emotions and Feelings  Feelings—”act as a barometer, letting you know what your internal weather is like.” (Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff... And It’s All Small Stuff)  Emotions—feelings that are experienced (thoughts, physiological, biological)

Characteristics of Emotions  Physiological Changes (fear=increased heart rate, breathing, etc., sadness=tired, lethargic)  Behavioral Expressions—crying, laughing, blushing, shaking, etc.  Cognitive Interpretation—what we think about the situation or emotion give it its value to us.

Characteristics of Emotions  Motivational Tendencies—emotions direct us toward pleasant experiences and away from anxiety or unpleasant experiences  Pleasure—motivates to move toward something  Anxiety—motivates to run or escape  Anger—motivates to fight  Sadness—motivates to shutdown or withdraw

Moods  A general feeling tone

Types of Emotions  Primary emotions  Joy, acceptance, fear, surprise, sadness, disgust, anger, and anticipation  Mixed emotions  Love (joy+acceptance), Aggressiveness (anger+anticipation), etc.  Emery & Campbell suggest only four primary emotions: mad, sad, glad and scared

Problem Emotions  Fear, anxiety, anger, guilt, grief and love can cause difficulties  These emotions are often experienced with mixed reactions

Fear  When we think we know what we are afraid of, this is fear  Has a specific object  False Expectations Appearing Real  Conditioned association between the object and our emotion (remember little Albert?)

Anxiety  An unpleasant, threatening feeling that something bad is about to happen  “objectless” fear  Preparation anxiety, ‘neurotic’ anxiety and worry are examples of types of anxiety

Facing your fears and anxieties  Admit your fears  Take risks  Acknowledge the positive  Avoid catastrophic thinking  Stay in the present  Have patience

Anger  A feeling of extreme displeasure, usually brought about by interference with our needs or desires  Hate, annoyance, rage, hostility, resentment are forms of anger

Anger and Loss  Anger is closely related to loss or threat of loss  Some examples are:  Loss of self-esteem  Loss of face  Threat of physical harm or violence  Loss of valued possessions, skills, or abilities  Loss of a valued role  Lose of a valued relationship

Anger  Anger is neither right nor wrong  Anger can be released or expressed in a right or wrong way  You are vulnerable when angry  Anger is a secondary emotion  Anger vs. aggression—Aggression is any behavior that is intended to hurt somone, either verbally or physically (Weiten, 2001)

Expressing Anger  Anger requires a balance between spontaneous expression and rational control  When you are angry with someone— YOU are the one with the problem

Anger Do’s and Don’ts  Do speak up when an issue is important to you  Take time out to think about the problem  Speak in “I” language  Try to appreciate differences  Recognize that each person is responsible for his or her own behavior  Don’t strike while the iron is hot  Don’t use “below the belt” tactics  Don’t make vague requests  Don’t tell the other person what he or she thinks, feels or should think or feel  Don’t participate in intellectual arguments that go nowhere

Guilt  The realization of sorrow over having done something morally, socially, or ethically wrong  Guilt relates to behaviors and our own conscience  Shame relates to the person  Guilt says, “I made a mistake.” Shame says, “I am the mistake.” (John Bradshaw)

Grief and Bereavement  Any significant loss can bring about grief  Kubler-Ross: five stages of grief  Denial  Anger  Bargaining  Depression  Acceptance

Grief  When we come to accept our losses, grief can become a point of positive growth  Life contains many types and experiences of loss—learning to grieve well is an important part of human development

Love  We learn our attitudes about what it means to be loved and to show love from childhood experiences  Children operate under certain assumptions which allow them to get through life. One such assumption is that parents love their children, therefore, whatever behavior parents exhibit is seen as “loving behavior.”

Love  Love can also become a problem when it gets in the way of allowing people to experience the consequences of their own behaviors  Love deserves healthy expression

Expanding Your Ability to Love  Express yourself  Love yourself  Be tolerant  Hang in there  Learn to be alone  Grow up  Practice

Emotional Intelligence  The ability to monitor, access, express, and regulate one’s one emotions; and the ability to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.

Denying Emotions  Repression—excluding threatening or painful thoughts and feelings from awareness  Suppression—deliberate control of one’s emotions rather than expressing them

Emotional Debt  The condition of imbalance in which feelings are trapped instead of expressed

Guidelines for Dealing with Your Emotions  Listen to Your Body  Identify Your Feelings  Personalize Your Feelings  Own Your Feelings  Decide what to Do with Your Feelings

Benefits of Expressing Your Emotions  Positive feelings about yourself  Stronger relationships  Relief of Pressure

Forgiveness