Self-Compassion: A Confident Kid Building Block Vanessa Ann Vigilante, Ph.D. Psychologist Division of Behavioral Health A I duPont Hospital for Children Clinical Assistant Professor of Pediatrics Department of Pediatrics Jefferson Medical College

How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in Children?  Protect child from feelings of failure, disappointment, frustration or…  …validate these feelings?

Self-Esteem: “Its all relative.”  How much we approve of/value ourselves  Based on comparison

Low Self-Esteem  Comes from the child’s evaluation of his/her perceived inadequacies.

Low Self-Esteem  “I do not measure up.”

High Self-Esteem  “I measure up well.”

Artificially Inflate Self-Esteem  “Give” high self esteem: - Praise indiscriminately - Protect from frustration/self doubt

Artificially Inflating Self-Esteem  Caregiver Response “You’re so smart.” “You’re so kind.” “You’re so pretty.”  Child Translation  “Smartness makes me loveable.”  “Being kind makes me loveable.”  “Being pretty makes me loveable.”

Inflating Self Esteem  Less than perfect is not ok…  …so, cannot take constructive feedback and does not learn from mistakes

Drawbacks of Self-Esteem when things do not go well  Narcissism  Self absorption  Self-righteous anger  Prejudice  Discrimination  Entitlement  Humiliation  Incompetence  Inferiority  Depression  Anxiety  Anger

So, how do we:  Maintain a stable sense of self in the midst of success as we ll as failure?

How do we:  Have high self-esteem…  ….and not always measure up?

By being content with not always measuring up Maintaining stability in the midst of success as well as failure Accepting failure as a fact of life Here’s how:

Self-Compassion  How much warmth do we have for ourselves?  Based on self- acceptance  Not based on self- evaluation/social comparison

Self-Compassion  How much warmth we have for ourselves especially when the road gets tough

Self-Compassion  SC: “Could have happened to anyone.”  SE: “These things only happen to me.”

Self-Compassion: 3-Step Process  Realize things are difficult  Respond to yourself with kindness/ understanding  Normalize it

Self-Compassion  “It sounds like you’re feeling aggravated.”  “That sounds so hard!”  “Did that make you angry?”  “How awful!”  “It’s normal to feel….”  “It sounds like that made you happy.”  “That sounds like a good plan.”  “I really like the….”

Self-Compassion  Provides the same benefits of high self-esteem….  …without its drawbacks

How to Help Children Develop Self- Compassion  Be kind to yourself  Teach children truth about life  Ease into self-compassion slowly  Judge the behavior, not the child  Model future behavior, don’t punish the past

Are there drawbacks to self- compassion?  Will it lower standards/encourage laziness?  Self-compassionate people are less likely to lower their standards (Neff, 2011).

Self-Compassion: Rewards  Higher standards  Strong work ethic  Personal responsibility  Not afraid of failure  More courageous  More aware of personal faults

Self-Compassion: Rewards  Decreased anxiety, depression, self- criticism  Increased coping ability  Greater feeling of social connectedness

How Do We Build a Stable Sense of Self in Children?  Protect child from feelings of failure, disappointment, frustration or…  …validate these feelings?

 Cabane, O. The Charisma Myth, ( New York, Penguin Group, 2012).  Gilbert, P., Baldwin, M. W., Irons, C., Baccus, J. R., & Palmer, M. “Self- Criticism and Self-Warmth: An Imagery Study Exploring Their Relation to Depression,” Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy 20, no. 2 (2006):  Kagan, J. Three Seductive Ideas, ( Cambridge, MA, Harvard University Press, 1998).  Neff, K. D. “Self-Compassion,” in Handbook of Individual Differences in Social Behavior, eds. M. R. Leary and R. H. Hoyle (New York: Guilford Press, 2009),  Neff, K. D., Kirkpatrick, K., & Rude, S. S., “Self-Compassion and Its Link to Adaptive Psychological Functioning,” Journal of Research in Personality 41 (2007):  Neff, K. D. Self Compassion, (William Morrow, 2011). References