How Conflict Can Build and Strengthen Relationships Dr. Frank frankniles.com scholarexecutive.com NEASHRM Seminar

Conflict is inevitable. How we respond to it is not. © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

Conflict is about relationships: with ourselves and others. Balancing “me” with “we” © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

Major Causes of Workplace Conflict Personality differences Misunderstandings Non-compliance w/ rules Power struggles Competition Anxiety © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

Here is what you told me about… Your greatest concerns when handling conflict: Hurting the relationship & wanting to remain friends Being fair & objective Second guessing yourself Hating confrontation Being seen as strong, not timid Being understood Staying within legal boundaries Others accepting responsibility © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

Here is what you told me about… What you feel when faced with conflict: Anger Doubt Embarrassment Fear (quivering voice) Frustration Impatience Feeling controlled Want to be understood Staying within legal boundaries Others accepting responsibility © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Conflict Healthy conflict promotes understanding, refines views, reveals opportunities, promotes understanding, builds trust…strengthens relationships Unhealthy conflict destroys trust, kills morale, creates power struggles, escalates tensions, creates sides…weakens relationships © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

Conflict Resolution comes down to this:  How you view and process conflict.  Do you see conflict as good or bad?  Do you have effective strategies to process the next conflict? © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

How Conflict Goes Wrong Problems (single events) Patterns (reoccurring events) Relationships (people working together during events) We fail to distinguish between: © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

How Conflict Goes Wrong Are we taking a fresh look at the facts? Do we ruminate on past wounds? Are we using our past experience to predict the outcome. “This is how it happened last time.” Allow past bad experiences to cloud current judgment: © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

How Conflict Goes Wrong The “amygdala hijack” – see conflict as a personal threat and we fight, flight, freeze, or fold The “lizard brain” (limbic system) takes over and we react rather than respond. We allow negative emotions to consume us: © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

How Do You Control the Lizard Brain? 1.Know your triggers 2.Acknowledge your emotions compassionately and without judgment, then re-focus on the present 3.Rename the feeling for what it is 4.Breathe, listen, & learn © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

Beat the other side Avoidance Quick fix Negotiation Ineffective Ways to Resolve Conflict © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

More Effective Ways to Resolve Conflict SET the right tone: 1.Support - “I care about you.” “I want to help you feel better.” 2.Empathy - “I can see you’re angry/frustrated about this.” 3.Truth – “You really can’t keep doing/saying _____.” Anticipate responses but don’t patronize or manipulate © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

More Effective Ways to Resolve Conflict Address the issue within 48 hours Speak directly to the person and not to someone else about a person’s behavior Listen (and learn)…this may be the most powerful conflict resolution tool. People want to be heard. Ask clarifying questions but don’t manipulate. © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

More Effective Ways to Resolve Conflict Address the issue within 48 hours Speak directly to the person and not to someone else about a person’s behavior Listen (and learn)…this may be the most powerful conflict resolution tool. People want to be heard Objectively try to understand what is behind the other person’s behavior and/or emotions. Do NOT React. © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

More Effective Ways to Resolve Conflict Focus on the issue not the person. Remind yourself that the problem is the issue or relationship, not the person Use “I” statements (for instance, “I feel uncomfortable when you…”) Examine your own contribution to the situation then own it Identify a goal and let that guide the conversation © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

More Effective Ways to Resolve Conflict Invite other person to work with you to resolve situation (“What can we do?”) If you are the mediator, separate individuals if needed. Hear each side then meet together for resolution. Reinforce any positive changes (even small ones) made by the difficult person Know what you can and cannot control © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles

What if I feel verbally Attacked? Remember: Anger is a secondary emotion. Hurth people hurt. While painful, treat verbal attacks as opportunities to clarify where people stand Do not react with your own verbal attack….this will position you as a leader in the conflict Reframe the exchange by asking what happened to make the other person feel this way Then, use the facts, perceptions, and context to bring about a more constructive dialogue © 2015 Dr. Frank Niles