A step-by-step guide to adding detail to your story to make it sing Weekend with Harold

Adding Descriptive Detail Original Text: I bought glue traps. I’m not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies. The previous night, I’d set out four and baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me.

Adding Descriptive Detail Original Text: I bought glue traps. I’m not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies. The previous night, I’d set out four and baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me.

Fix #1: Use an AAAWWUBBIS CLAUSE to show multi-tasking I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag while I ate the remaining puffs. As I licked the powdered cheese off my fingers, my ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Cheeto Puffs are so delicious.

Fix #1: Use an AAAWWUBBIS CLAUSE to show multi-tasking You can always use vivid verbs and modifiers to punch up your writing. “Ate” isn’t a terribly interesting or specific verb, so I substituted “popped.” I was also eating the Cheetos and licking my fingers one at a time, so I added in those details as well. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by one. As I licked the powdered cheese off my fingers one at a time, my ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind.

Fix #2: Use an ABSOLUTE PHRASE to further describe how you were doing something or to describe concurrent actions Absolute phrases follow this basic formula: noun + present participle + additional modifiers (optional) What else was I doing while I sat on the counter? Looking out for Harold! Focus on eyes Eyes (noun) +scanning (present participle)  eyes scanning Eyes scanning (the floor) Eyes (vigilantly) scanning (the floor) I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag, eyes vigilantly scanning the floor while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by one.

Fix #3: ONOMATOPOEIA isn’t just for poetry What sounds does eating a Cheeto make? Crunch (initial bite) Munch munch (finishing the puff) I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag, while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by one. Crunch. Munch munch. What sounds would Harold’s paws make on the wood floors? Pitter-patter As I licked the powdered cheese off my fingers one at a time, my ears strained to hear the tiny pitter-patter of paws, and I started at every gust of wind.

Fix #4: PREPOSITIONAL PHRASE STACKING Where might Harold’s baby mama choose to have her babies? Under the sink? But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies under the sink. Where specifically under the sink? In a corner? Someplace hidden? But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies in a cozy nook under the sink behind the bottle of grout cleaner.

Fix #5: Use a RELATIVE CLAUSE to satisfy your inner journalist Relative clauses follow two basic formulas: relative pronoun + subject + verb relative pronoun acting as a subject +verb The relative pronouns WHO and WHICH are good bases for forming relative clauses to add more description to people or objects in your story.

Fix #5: Use a RELATIVE CLAUSE to satisfy your inner journalist Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me, who was waving a giant Cheeto in his direction. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic Nutcracker-esque battle between a human- sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me, who was brandishing a giant Cheeto, light saber-like, in his direction.

To Recap… Original text: I bought glue traps. I’m not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies. The previous night, I’d set out four and baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag. My ears strained to hear the sound of tiny paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic battle between a human-sized Harold and me. New and improved text: I bought glue traps. I’m not proud of it. But I was dealing with a menace and the very real possibility that one of Harold’s sister wives would soon give birth to a bevy of babies in a cozy nook under the sink behind the bottle of grout cleaner. The previous night, I’d set out four and baited them each with a puffy Cheeto. I sat cross-legged on the counter with the rest of the bag, eyes vigilantly scanning the floor while I popped the remaining puffs in my mouth one by one. Crunch. Munch munch. As I licked the powdered cheese off my fingers one at a time, my ears strained to hear the tiny pitter-patter of paws, and I started at every gust of wind. Finally, twenty minutes later, I got bored and went to bed, where I dreamed of an epic Nutcracker-esque battle between a human-sized Harold, who was wearing a sweater vest and glasses, and me, who was brandishing a giant Cheeto, light saber-like, in his direction.

Other Fixes: Participial phrases Use a PARTICIPIAL PHRASE to add description to a sentence. These always function as adjectives, and can be formed with either the past or present participle. Crunching puffs on the counter Crunching puffs on the counter, I waited for Harold to show. Stuck on the middle of the glue trap I found Harold, stuck on the middle of the glue trap, the next morning.

Other Fixes: Appositives Use an APPOSITIVE PHRASE to rename a noun and give more information about it. These can start simply, but can be expanded into more complicated phrases. Harold, a mouse, is scurrying across the kitchen table. Harold, a small mouse, is scurrying across the kitchen table. Harold, a small mouse with a long tail, is scurrying across the kitchen table. Hipster Harold?

Other Fixes: Appositive + Relative Clause You can even combine an appositive phrase with a relative clause to make an even more awesome interrupter: Harold, a small, long-tailed mouse that has spied my uncovered loaf of bread, is scurrying across the kitchen table.