February 26, 2015 Fulfilling the Promise Conference By Dr. Mary Hess, Ph.D. Licensed Clinical Psychologist

 This is a term that means our energy goes out to everyone around us and affects all.  It means that you are affected by the mood and energy of your co-workers  It means staff have a strong effect on kids  And kids have a strong effect on staff!  When we are aware of how our energy affects others THEN we have a choice and can determine how we affect others by consciously giving the message we want heard! It affects our body as well as our mind.

 Caring for yourself is the same as caring for our little ones when it comes to nurturing:  1. Find Inner Peace and self-satisfaction.  2. Know when you feel a need and find a way to fill that need.  3. Feel safe in your relationships and know when to trust and when to take care.  4. Self-Regulation helps you feel in control.  5. Offer your personal best which sometimes means accepting limitations.

 Balance is vital for all of us and if our day is full of stress and strife, we get off-balance.  Find a way to balance your day so you get help for the very stressful parts and enjoy the fulfilling parts.  Make a plan for any predictable conflicts so you feel calm and controlled as you deal with them.  Know what part of your brain you are coming from….Know what part of their brain the children and staff are coming from.

 Lower Brain (Autonomic Brain)=survival is the job of this part. This part of the brain will try to find ways for the body to survive.  Mid Brain (Sensory input, Memory, Pleasure/Pain zones) = Safety is the main job of this reactive part of our brain.  Upstairs Brain (Cerebral Cortex)=Humanity part of our brain. Thoughtful, Empathic, etc.

 The brain develops from the bottom up  1 st Brain Stem= Autonomic functions…always working even in sleep.  2 nd Mid-Brain = Emotional reactivity, Connections of sensory and emotions; Semi-Conscious memory of trauma  3 rd Cerebral cortex = Our humanity, abstract thought, empathy, affiliation, language

 Stress affects from the Top Down!  The first thing to go is the Cerebral Cortex  Thoughtfulness is a luxury used when all is well on the survival mode! When survival is at stake our animal instincts take over to assure survival! Lower brain functions are automatic, you do not have to think to react so in emergencies for survival, the lower brain takes over!

 Child Temper Tantrums show they are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do.  Adult Temper Outbursts show you are overwhelmed and don’t know what to do.  Child apathy means a child has given up  Adult apathy means the adult has given up  Inter-personal neurobiology means that the adult reaction and the child reaction become connected and they respond to each other.  If you stay calm the child will calm down

 H A L T =  Hungry, Anxious, Lonely, or Tired etc.  Basic needs we all have and as adults we often ignore them! Be aware when the children may be responding to these basic needs and when you are responding to your own basic needs that are not met…  Take care of yourself and if you know you are tired (anxious or lonely etc.), ask other staff to be aware and help you get through the day. This should be the exception not the rule. If you are always tired, you need to make a change…

 1. If you do not trust the other staff, find the issues and deal with them together. Support is vital to have a healthy working place!  2. If you do trust the other staff work closely with them and notice if they need help dealing with an issue that comes up. Offer help kindly.  3. Ask for what you need to feel safe and trusted. Weekly staff meetings help keep communication open; focusing on solutions not problems help you stay positive!

 We teach children how to self-regulate  We need to be aware of our own self- regulation and check ourselves when we begin to feel overwhelmed.  Children watch what we do not what we say.  Adults watch what we do not what we say too  Check to be sure you are showing good self- regulation all day long. This means live in your upstairs brain, not in your downstairs (reactive) brain. It helps you feel in control and reduces conflict.

 Sometimes we cannot control the schedule or the events or the other people around us. That can feel overwhelming and limit how well our day goes.  Sometimes parents undo what you have been trying to do for their child. We have to accept that the child gets “undone” at home and help them differentiate that “in school this is how we do it or how we talk” etc. Even if it is different at home.  Accept that you do not control all! And adjust to that which you cannot control!

 You may react more strongly to some children than to others. This reaction is usually based on your own history. If you feel you want to take this one home – be aware that this one is tapping into a personal need. If you want to avoid that one – find the personal need that one is hitting in you! Self-awareness helps you make sense of these personal reactions.

 Connect before you re-direct. This is true for children and other adults. Before you try to change their behavior, make a connection that shows them you understand and care.  EX. I know lunch time is hard for you so what if we try to give you a self-care break before it happens so you can feel better. First thing in the morning is hard for me so I know how that feels to dread a part of your day.  EX. You look stressed, I know how that feels, what can I do to help?

 Whose problem is it? If the problem is coming from the tired child, we focus on calming them down. If the problem if coming from the scheduled event, we try to adjust the event (have this child sit on your lap or take a break). If the problem is coming from a tired staff member, we focus on giving them a break. If the problem is coming from the child’s home, we try to help them accept that school is different etc.

 Children live in their downstairs brain and have to learn how to get upstairs.  Healthy Adults live in their upstairs brain unless they are stressed and fall down into their lower brain functions.  Our job is to connect the two parts of our brain. Notice and think about inter actions so you can differentiate what is going on instead of just reacting to it every time it happens.

 Working with children is usually delightful since they are so open and alert  Working with parents is harder since you have less time with them and they are often less open and alert to what is causing issues.  Parents, children, other staff all have personal reactions to all events and Inter-personal neurobiology can help all interactions become more positive and less conflictual.

 Using COAL can help with adults and children:  C = Approach all events with Curiosity. You really do not know what the other needs so be curious until they give you clues.  O = Observe…See what you see and be open to whatever it is you see. Connect body language to what they say, does it fit?  A = Accept whatever it is you have observed. This is where the person is. If they are anxious, accept that they are anxious without trying to make it disappear…  L = Lovingly try to help them find a healthier response that will reduce any issues. This takes time and effort and a thoughtful plan.

 As you help others, be sure to help yourself and be as kind to you as you are to them!  Be aware of how others are affecting you and do not let them set your reactions. Stay tuned in to your own feelings, thoughts and needs.  Let most of your actions be purposeful rather than random reactions – use your upstairs brain more than your downstairs brain

 Parenting from the Inside Out by Dan Siegel helps you see how your own experiences do affect others in your life now.  The Whole Brain Child by Dan Siegel helps you apply COAL and other concepts like that to your work.  Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control by Heather Forbes (and all of Heather’s books) give insight into working with children who do not respond to logic and consequences.