C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK Lecture 16b TALK, TALK, TALK!

BASIC FORM OF HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. YOU-MESSAGESYOU-MESSAGES LABELS - “YOU’RE AN IDIOT”LABELS - “YOU’RE AN IDIOT” COMMANDS - “DO IT”- YOU IS UNSPOKENCOMMANDS - “DO IT”- YOU IS UNSPOKEN JUDGMENT - “YOU’RE WRONG”JUDGMENT - “YOU’RE WRONG” BLAME - “YOU MADE ME..”BLAME - “YOU MADE ME..” ACCUSATION-“YOU DON’T CARE”ACCUSATION-“YOU DON’T CARE”

YOU-MESSAGESYOU-MESSAGES 1. FOCUS ON THE PERSON RATHER THAN THE BEHAVIOUR/SITUATION 2. IS A DISGUISED FEELING STATEMENT 3. PLACES BLAME RATHER THAN PROBLEM SOLVES 4. OTHER HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO DEFEND 5. AVOIDS OWNERSHIP - INVADES OTHERS’ SPACE - MAKES THEM RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS, FEELINGS

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. AND INFLUENCE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. PERSUASION IN RELATIONSHIPS STUDYPERSUASION IN RELATIONSHIPS STUDY COUPLES ASKED “DOES ONE OF YOU CONTROL?”COUPLES ASKED “DOES ONE OF YOU CONTROL?” –IF YES, CONTROLLER USED HEAVY TACTICSCONTROLLER USED HEAVY TACTICS “NON-CONTROLLER” USED LIGHT TACTICS.“NON-CONTROLLER” USED LIGHT TACTICS. IF BOTH SAID YES - RATIONAL BARGAINING, COMPROMISEIF BOTH SAID YES - RATIONAL BARGAINING, COMPROMISE LOW SELF-ESTEEM - CAN’T BELIEVE SIMPLE REQUEST WILL WORK - SO USE HARD TACTICSLOW SELF-ESTEEM - CAN’T BELIEVE SIMPLE REQUEST WILL WORK - SO USE HARD TACTICS

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. & THE PUNCTUATION PROBLEM INTERPERSONAL COMMUNICATION IS: CONTINUOUSCONTINUOUS OVERLAPPING, INTERWEAVED COMMUNICATION CYCLES OVERLAPPING, INTERWEAVED COMMUNICATION CYCLES COMPLEXCOMPLEX MULTI-CAUSALMULTI-CAUSAL HARD TO ACCEPT - PARTICULARLY WHEN THINKING AND FEELING DEFENSIVELYHARD TO ACCEPT - PARTICULARLY WHEN THINKING AND FEELING DEFENSIVELY SO WE SIMPLIFY, PUNCTUATESO WE SIMPLIFY, PUNCTUATE

THE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. LOOP WE GO FOR HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L.WE GO FOR HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. “CIRCLE” BECOMES CHAIN OF CAUSE AND EFFECT“CIRCLE” BECOMES CHAIN OF CAUSE AND EFFECT “YOUR BEHAVIOR CAUSED MY REACTION”“YOUR BEHAVIOR CAUSED MY REACTION” I NEED TO SEE MYSELF AS “RIGHT” OR OK!I NEED TO SEE MYSELF AS “RIGHT” OR OK!

THE HEAVY C.O.N.T.R.O.L. LOOP

C.O.N.T.R.O.L. THREE APSECTS OF STRUGGLE OVER “RIGHTNESS”THREE APSECTS OF STRUGGLE OVER “RIGHTNESS” “WHAT WAS SAID”“WHAT WAS SAID” “WHAT WAS MEANT”“WHAT WAS MEANT” “WHO’S TO BLAME”“WHO’S TO BLAME”

WHAT WAS SAID “WHAT WAS SAID”“WHAT WAS SAID” STRUGGLE ABOUT “TRUTH” STRUGGLE ABOUT “TRUTH” CRIPPLING ASSUMPTIONSCRIPPLING ASSUMPTIONS – I AM RIGHT, YOU ARE WRONG –IF I PERSIST YOU’LL CHANGE –PERSISTENCE CREATES RESISTANCE

“WHAT WAS MEANT” DID YOU MEAN TO HELP OR HURTDID YOU MEAN TO HELP OR HURT CRIPPLING ASSUMPTIONCRIPPLING ASSUMPTION I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT I KNOW WHAT YOU MEANT INFER THEIR INTENTIONS FROM YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOR INFER THEIR INTENTIONS FROM YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT THEIR BEHAVIOR IT’S SO AUTOMATIC - DON’T NOTICE OUR CONCLUSION IS AN ASSUMPTIONIT’S SO AUTOMATIC - DON’T NOTICE OUR CONCLUSION IS AN ASSUMPTION UNCALCULATED RISK - UP THE INFERENCE LADDERUNCALCULATED RISK - UP THE INFERENCE LADDER ONE ALLNESS TYPE OF “FALSE ACCUSATION” AND THEY’RE OFF THE HOOKONE ALLNESS TYPE OF “FALSE ACCUSATION” AND THEY’RE OFF THE HOOK

“WHO’S TO BLAME” SPEND MOST TIME HERESPEND MOST TIME HERE CRIPPLING ASSUMPTIONCRIPPLING ASSUMPTION IT’S NOT THE SITUATION, IT’S THEM IT’S NOT THE SITUATION, IT’S THEM ASSUMES PROBLEMS ONLY HAVE ONE CAUSE - OVERATTRIBUTIONASSUMES PROBLEMS ONLY HAVE ONE CAUSE - OVERATTRIBUTION AVOIDS INTERWOVEN NATURE OF TALKAVOIDS INTERWOVEN NATURE OF TALK LET’S US AVOID RESPONSIBILITYLET’S US AVOID RESPONSIBILITY

THE BASES FOR D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALK WHERE C.O.N.T.R.O.L. STARTS FROM REFLEX, REACTION AND RIGHTNESSWHERE C.O.N.T.R.O.L. STARTS FROM REFLEX, REACTION AND RIGHTNESS D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. STARTS FROM AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, APPROPRIATENESSD.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. STARTS FROM AWARENESS, ACCEPTANCE, APPROPRIATENESS

THREE TYPES OF TALK AND PROBLEM- SOLVING IN RELATIONSHIPS CONNECT TALK (SMALL TALK) C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK BEING RIGHT ASSUME/JUDGE LIGHT - HEAVY D.I.A.LO.G.U.E. TALK SOLVE PROBLEM LEARN/ ACCEPT PROBLEM PROBLEM CHOICE - MINDFULNESS - FLEXIBILITY - META-TALK