Bullies In The Family Teaching Parents And Kids About Sibling Violence Mardi Winder-Adams. M.Ed, CDM Positive Communication Systems

Quick Facts on Sibling Violence Straus and Gelles (1996) have estimated that over 29 million children commit an act of violence against a sibling each year. In a study in the Journal Child Maltreatment, 35% of children reported being “hit or attacked” by a sibling in the last year. 14 percent reported repeated attacks 4.55% had reported injuries from the abuse 2% were attacked using weapons, including knives and guns Most common age of victimization is 6 to 12 Boys are slightly more victimized than girls (56% compared to 49% respectively)

Facts continued In 1980 Dr. Murray Straus published “Behind Closed Doors” and found that 74 percent of a representative sample of children had pushed or shoved a sibling within the year and 42 percent had kicked, bitten or punched a brother or sister. Sibling violence is the same offense in the eyes of the law as domestic violence between adults, but is typically heard in juvenile court and rarely results in jail time. Typically a pattern of violence rather than a one time incident is required for legal action to occur. 7 million children are estimated to have been attacked and beaten by a sibling once in their lifetime according to the National Family Violence Survey

Characteristics of Sibling Violence Repetitive in nature Often includes verbal threats May include significant physical injury Unexplained bruises or marks Unwillingness for a sibling to spend time alone with the other Typically under reported by the victim or excuses or explanations provided by the offender

Normal Versus Violent Arguments over physical resources often common between siblings Arguments over love, affection and belonging more damaging Physical aggression with remorse versus no remorse Violence towards sibling’s friends Violent themes in conversation

Warning Signs For Parents Unexplained “control” over siblings Fear of being alone with sibling Fear of talking about issues Lack of communication with parents due to inaction by parents in the past Violence in conversation and themes

What We Can Do Developing and Implementing Parent Classes and Community Awareness

Teaching Parents Education starts with Mom and Dad, Grandparents and guardians Debunking common beliefs Learning how to talk to children Identifying key behaviors Providing scripts for conversations Evaluating and monitoring family dynamics

What To Include Address cruel behavior between children Supervision of children Siblings as babysitters – pros and cons Telltale signs of violence Hidden signs of violence

Communication Basics How to talk to the victim How to talk to the bully Managing power and control Transferring power and control I messages Managing emotions Avoiding blame Avoiding shut-downs by kids

I Messages I feel _________ (emotion) when __________ (description) because ______________ (how it impacts me) and what I would like is ________________(desired resolution).

Transferring Power and Control Appropriate actions to take What is a realistic responsibility for a child of a given age Emotional age versus chronological age Consequences for inappropriate actions Consequences for retaliation

Talking With The Victimized Child I messages Empathy and understanding Providing support but not fostering helplessness or lack of empowerment Being honest not minimizing Taking responsibility as the parent

Talking As A Family Conversations about violence and abuse Conversations about positive interactions Conflict resolution practice Communication skills development Providing reasonable opportunity for control and responsibility

Additional Issues Counseling for both children Family counseling to develop/redevelop communication and relationships Monitoring by an outside person that has worked with the family Celebrations of success