Listening Skills - It’s Helpful (Healing) to Be Heard Workshop for KVCC Student Leadership Program

What people really need is a good listening to

We have two ears and one mouth for a reaso n Listening is twice as important (and hard) as talking

The best way to be popular is not to be interesting but to be interested

Listening Skills Good leadership skills Good facilitation skills Good friend skills Good parenting skills Show caring, kindness, respect, civility

Active Listening Listening is not hearing –Hearing – act of perceiving sound by the ear –Listening – something you consciously do – requires concentration and attention to try to understand the other person It is a conscious activity that requires a number of skills – simple, but not easy

Tips for Being a Good Listener Give your full attention to the person –Eye contact –Face the person –Open posture Do not interrupt (do not finish the sentence) –Let the speaker finish Let yourself finish listening before you begin to talk –(Try not to be thinking of your response when you are listening)

Thinking/Feeling Balance Thinking Feeling Thinking Feeling Being heard brings thinking and feeling back into balance

Ask Open-ended Questions Questions that cannot be answered with yes/no or a short answer “How are you doing?” “What was that like for you?” “How is your semester going?” Not “Why” questions – requires and explanation

Try Using One Word “I’m so nervous about the speech I have to give.” “Nervous?”

And Then Be Quiet Silence is an important listening tool You may be uncomfortable with the silence, at first, but try it and see what happens Let the person tell their story in their own way in in their own time The other person will fill the silence

Then Show Empathy Try to imagine what the situation might be like for them. “Gee, that must have felt awful.” “I bet that was pretty upsetting.” “That must have been hard for you.”

Reflect Back To show the other person he/she was heard Use a few of the exact words See if you have understood the other person “I’m worried about the presentation I have to make at Student Senate, today.” “You’re concerned about presenting, today.”

Try to Find the Feeling “How did you feel when that happened?” –Not “How did that (he/she) make you feel?” “How are you feeling about that?” If the person responds with, “I feel that or I feel like... “ – then it’s a thought coming next Let the feeling just “be there”

Do Not Don’t deny the other’s thoughts or feelings –Let the thought or feeling just “be there” –A person says, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed by all the work I have to do.” –Don’t say, “Snap out of it – We all feel overwhelmed.” –Don’t say, “Hey, get over it!” –Don’t say, “You think you’ve got problems, wait till you hear mine.”

Do Not Don’t give false reassurance –Don’t say, “Don’t worry, everything is going to just fine.” –Don’t say, “I’m sure that you will do fine on that exam.”

Do Not Don’t judge the other’s thoughts or feelings. –Don’t say, “Oh, you shouldn’t feel that way.” –If you make someone wrong he/she will defend their position or shut down

Do Not Don’t try to “fix” the other’s problem –You can’t and you have enough problems of your own –We try to fix others to make ourselves feel more comfortable

Don’t Give Advice Hard to do Reflect the problem back on the person “What do you think I should do about my grade?” “What could you do?” If your advice does not work out whose fault will that be?

Don’t Agree or Disagree Don’t Approve or Disapprove Implies the person can not solve his or her own problems

Giving Feedback Stick to the specific behavior the other person has control over Balance constructive with positive feedback

22 “I” Message “I feel (or felt)... “ “When you... “ (Describe the person’s behavior or actions without judgment) “Because... “ (The impact of that person’s behavior or action on you) “And I want (or need)... “ (State what you want or need clearly)

23 Clear and Responsible Communication Now is the time to learn assertive communication if you do not already know this style of interacting

24 Styles of Interacting Passive – others’ needs get met at the expense of your own needs Aggressive – your needs get met at the expense of the needs of others Assertive - your needs are more likely to get met while taking into consideration the needs of others

25 Learn/Refine Assertiveness Passive (nonassertive) avoidant communication – let others push you around – difficulty asking for help – others’ needs get met at the expense of our own –know your communication rights and responsibilities –feel hurt, anxious, angry –get taken advantage of

26 Assertiveness cont... Aggressive communication –own needs placed before needs of others –often angry, dominating/superior style –attempts to humiliate others –control and manipulation of others –is seen by others as hostile –little concern for others’ feelings –get needs met at expense of others

27 Assertiveness cont... Assertive communication – stand up for self without violating the rights of others –honest direct, shows respect for self and others –gets own needs met while taking the needs of others into consideration “I need” rather than “You must” –takes responsibility for consequences –can take both compliments and criticisms – most effective style - might get what you want