Assertiveness KNR 253 Jakubowski & Lange, 1978 Much information on Internet

Assertiveness Is…. Technique you can use Technique you can teach your clients In Leisure Ability Model Social Interaction Skills Communication Skills Assertiveness Conversational Skills Active Listening Others

Assertiveness Rights & Responsibilities Having assertive rights is not like having a license to act any way you want with total disregard for other people Accepting your rights brings personal power and responsibility Our rights do not negate other people’s rights in a situation

Basic Assertive Rights 1. The right to act in ways that promote your dignity and self-respect as long as others’ rights are not violated in the process. 2. The right to be treated with respect. 3. The right to say no and not feel guilty. 4. The right to experience and express your feelings. 5. The right to take time to slow down and think. 6. The right to change your mind.

Basic Assertive Rights 7. The right to ask for what you want. 8. The right to do less than you are humanly capable of doing. 9. The right to ask for information. 10. The right to make mistakes. 11. The right to feel good about yourself. (Jakubowski & Lange, 1978).

Assertiveness The act of standing up for one’s assertive rights and expressing beliefs, feelings and wants in a direct, honest, and appropriate manner which respects the rights of others.

Non-Assertive (Passive) Behavior The act of communicating ineffectively by disregarding one’s own feelings and rights through not openly expressing beliefs, wants, and feelings or through manipulation of others, resulting in decreased self-respect and confidence.

Non-Assertive (Passive) Behavior You are overly concerned about hurting someone else’s feelings You try to fool yourself into believing your feelings aren’t real; you shouldn’t have your feelings; your feelings don’t matter compared to others You become manipulative so other person will change and you don’t have to take responsibility for saying what you believe, feel, or want

Aggressive Behavior The act of communicating ineffectively by disregarding the feelings and rights of other individuals, through the use of sarcasm,intimidation and/or threats, resulting in increased resistance and resentment from the other individual.

Aggressive Behavior You feel you are being attacked You feel you are about to loose control of the situation You feel you wont get what you want or may be forced into something you don’t want You feel vulnerable

Advantages of Assertion Helps us feel good about ourselves and others Increases self-esteem Develops mutual respect with others Minimizes hurting or alienating others Helps us achieve our goals

Risks of Assertiveness Others may not approve of your assertive behavior When you regard other’s rights as well as your own, there will be times when you won’t get what you want You may find out that you are wrong

I and You Messages I states your feelings directly and honestly I does not accuse or blame You put people on the defensive and often brings an aggressive response. You make me angry Your wrong I feel that you are wrong (still a you message)

Assertiveness Techniques I want statements I want to do this… I want you to do this… Would you do this…? I’d appreciate it if you’d do this…

Assertiveness Techniques Guidelines for I want statements Ask other person about her preferences or willingness to do what you want I want to drop a letter off at the post office before we go shopping. Is that OK with you? Quantify how strong or mild your wants are I’d like to eat Chinese food tonight; it’s not a strong preference – about a 2. I want you to stop pressuring me about getting a new job; that at 10 on a scale of 10!

Assertiveness Techniques Guidelines for I want statements Tell what your I want means and doesn’t mean I’d like for you to stay overnight with me; that doesn’t mean I expect you to or that you must; I’d just like it if you would.

Assertiveness Techniques I feel statements When you did …, I felt … I liked it when you did… I didn’t like it when you did…

Assertiveness Techniques Guidelines for I feel statements Do not use just one word to describe most of your feelings (I’m upset) Specify the degree of your feelings I’m extremely angry It is helpful to first describe the specific behavior you find offensive and then express your feeling When you are late getting home without calling me, I get frighten.

Assertiveness Techniques Mixed feeling statements Name more than one feeling and explaining where each is coming from I’ve got mixed feeling about what you just said. I am happy that you are willing to play tennis with a novice like me. Yet I don’t like the comments you made about me being a rotten player; I found that irritating.

Assertiveness Techniques Empathic assertion. Statements which recognize the other person and acknowledges their feelings, wants and needs as well as describing your situation and corresponding feelings, wants and needs. I can see you are upset with me and in no mood to talk right now; I would very much like to talk it over when you are ready. Bridge with “and” or “yet” Don’t use “however” or “but”

Assertiveness Techniques Confrontive Assertion Used when there are discrepancies Word contradict deeds Difference between what do and what said would do 3 steps Objectively describe what other person said would be done Describe what he actually did Express what you want

Assertiveness Techniques Confrontive Assertion I realize you have been very busy this week, and yet we did agree we would discuss our vacation plans before the weekend. I’d like to set aside a half hour today to begin to talk.

Assertiveness Techniques “I” language assertion 4 parts: 1. Describe the observed behavior (w/o value judgment) 2. Describe how the behavior affects your life 3. Describe your feelings 4. Describe what you want them to do

Assertiveness Techniques “I” language assertion example When you cancel a date with me so you can go out with your boyfriend with just a few hours notice, I don’t have enough time to make other plans and I’m left with an empty evening. I feel irritated about that and I’d like to work out an understanding with you about changing plans that we’ve made together.

Assertiveness Techniques Broken record. Statements which reinforce a prior assertive statement. These statements are verbatim repetitions of a feeling, want or need, repeated as many times as necessary.

Lab Purpose Practice principles & techniques of assertiveness