THREE C’S OF PARENTING Parent Forum November 2012 Middle School Counselors

CONFLICT RESOLUTION  Conflict is normal.  Conflict is natural.  Conflict is healthy. How you resolve disagreements is an important indicator of a healthy family.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION Guidelines to remember when faced with a disagreement:  Stay calm and logical  Talk respectfully  Remember that everyone does not have to agree on everything  Identify the problem

CONFLICT RESOLUTION Guidelines to remember when faced with a disagreement:  Decide if the issue is worth the effort it might take to resolve  Look for common ground  Strive for a win-win resolution  Compromise

CONFLICT RESOLUTION  When children see parents in a healthy disagreement, they are more likely to disagree in the same manner.  Model healthy disagreement resolution, it will become a life-long skill.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION Beware of non-verbal communication  Watch for closed fists and crossed arms  Does the speaker’s verbal message match the non- verbal message?

CONFLICT RESOLUTION When listening, practice these things:  Concentration: Focus on what the speaker is saying, rather than think about what you will say next.  Tolerance: Maintain openness and respect for the speakers opinion.  Rephrasing: Check to make sure you are understanding what is being said. “ Do you mean.”  Sensitivity: Pay attention to speakers feelings. Acknowledge and reflect his feeling in your next question.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION Sooner or later, all children will attempt to BACK TALK! Talking back to a parent is part of growing up, unfortunately! If it rarely happens, calmly let your child know that you do not appreciate her response and that you will be happy to listen if she can talk more respectfully. If back talk becomes an ongoing habit…..

CONFLICT RESOLUTION  Don’t fight fire with fire… an angry response from you only fuels the fire  Be willing to listen and respect her point of view when it is presented in a respectful way. This does not mean you MUST agree.  Give yourself time to think decisions through.  Model respectful language in the way you talk to your child and all others. They are watching you.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION Much to the chagrin of parents, all siblings will argue and fight.  Understand that sibling rivalry is normal and natural. It must occur to ensure individuality.  Watch for underlying causes and adjust the atmosphere. Tired, hungry, lack of parental attention, bored, stressed, immature social skills  Never allow rivalry to become abusive. Step in to make certain respect is shown.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION  PARENTS NEVER…..  Take sides  Compare one child to another  Discipline or make decisions while angry

CONFLICT RESOLUTION PARENTS DO :  Spend quality time with each child  Encourage teamwork and cooperation  Be quick to compliment as you are to criticize  Not give up! Rome was not built in a day. Start working with one thing you would like to implement and work on it until it works for you.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION I-Messages: State your position in I-messages. “I am embarrassed when you raise your voice and use that kind of language.” “I am happy when you complete your chores without being told.” “I am sad your choice is causing you so much difficulty.”

CONFLICT RESOLUTION Self Disclosure  Share personal experiences that you had with your child.  Sharing builds trust and helps teens to see “you have been around that same block before” when you were their age. Acknowledge the Emotion  Disarm anger and criticism by talking the emotion rather than the content.  “I know you made a mistake, tell what is making you so angry?”

CONFLICT RESOLUTION: Gender Differences MALES  Difficulty in sending and receiving non- verbal messages.  Must be told, not to good catching hints.  Disclose less  Use a style that is controlling and task- oriented.  To the point FEMALES  Disclose more  Use an expressive style  Read non-verbal and expressions very easy.  May repeat the same thing over and over and over and over, sometimes.  Should use less words in a more powerful way.

CONFLICT RESOLUTION  This session discussed sibling rivalry, back talk, handling disagreements, I-Messages, and gender differences. We hope you have gained a new idea or two, to add to your repertoire of parenting skills.