David L. Causey, Ph.D. Bryan D. Carter, Ph.D. Joseph F. Edwards, Psy.D. Felicia D. Smith, Ph.D.

 “How come children don’t come with a manual that tells me what to do?”

“Most people believe that they have a clue of what it takes to be a parent…… until they actually become one!”

 Passion : an intense desire or enthusiasm for something; strong and barely controllable emotion  Fear : An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous  Guilt (psychological): feeling of responsibility especially for imagined offenses or a sense of inadequacy  Passion + Fear + Guilt = Parent Stress

 Stress: Changes or events that have the potential to compromise adjustment, but also create opportunities to build resilience. Too much stress can cause potentially serious physical and mental health problems

 Too much stress in a short period of time  Chronic stress  Uncontrollable stress  Too much reliance on coping strategies that don’t work or don’t match the situation (e.g., avoidance coping, emotion-focused coping)  Being OVERSCHEDULED!!!

 Fear and Passion  A desire for our children to have a better life than our own  Inability to say “No”  Lack of understanding for the importance of down time

 Inadequate rest  Lack of quality family / parent- child time  Increased parent stress  Nutrition  Grades SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE!!!

 Capacity or belief for producing a desired result or effect when coping with stress. It is the BELIEF that one is capable of performing in a certain manner to attain certain goals.

 The capacity and belief that your parental choices, strategies, and actions can lead to a better outcome in terms of raising well adjusted children.  High Parent Efficacy leads to higher parenting effectiveness. That is, higher parent efficacy increases the likelihood that parental goals will be achieved.

 Higher Parent Efficacy will reduce parent stress and increase the likelihood that your child will turn out to be well adjusted.  Part of our job as parents is not to always prevent stress but help our children learn to negotiate stress and adapt to stress effectively.

Answer : The same things that also reduce fear and guilt in parenting…  Building Knowledge and Having a PLAN  Consistency with positive strategies  Getting support  Knowing that it STARTS WITH YOU  Realistic and positive parent “cognition”

This model can be used to build Parent Efficacy when faced with problems or decisions that must be resolved or managed. *We intervene at the point of the Thoughts and Actions

Identify The Problem or Worry That You Have  Write it down!!!  Begin to develop a “blueprint” for coping  Don’t assume that there is nothing you can do about it

False Beliefs / Cognitive Distortions – Self Talk  What messages am I playing in my head that may be based on fear, guilt, etc.?  Are these messages (and related feelings) interfering with my ability to make a rational or reasonable decision?  *Are these messages based on reality?  Whose expectations am I basing these messages on?

 If I ___, then my child will hate me  If I ___, then my child will miss out on…  If I don’t do his homework for him, he’ll fail  I’m a bad parent if…  My child will never get over this if I don’t do something about it  Other parents will think ___ if I don’t

a) Step back from the situation (avoid making decisions in the heat of the moment) b) Be aware of possible cognitive distortions (Negative Self Talk) c) Seek guidance or feedback from a trusted friend

a) Consider all of your options for handling or responding to the problem or concern b) Consider “in between” options that may exist c) Consider the impact that your decision will have on yourself, your family, and your child

a) Down the road, review decisions you’ve made and how they turned out b) Evaluate whether your initial thoughts and feelings were warranted c) What could you learn from the situation that might help you in the future

 It MUST start with you, not your child  Better Parent Efficacy should reduce parent stress, NOT increase it  Parent Efficacy is not necessarily the quantity of what you do, but the quality

When your child grows up knowing that you approve of WHO they are, not just what they’ve achieved, then there is a much higher likelihood of a good outcome It must be given unconditionally, not just when they please you or achieve things Take the initiative and look for opportune times

What we can do as parents to affirm our children, show acceptance and approval, and build their self worth.  Physical touch  Words of affirmation  Quality time  Gifts  Acts of Service

Physical Touch: Low Medium High Words of Affirmation: Low Medium High Gifts: Low Medium High Acts of Service: Low Medium High Quality Time: Low Medium High

The manner of thinking, behaving, or reacting that is characteristic of a specific person Understanding our child’s temperament provides “DATA” that can guide our parenting Having insight about how our own temperament matches or mismatches our child’s is vital to good parent efficacy

Sociability :Low Medium High Adaptability :Low Medium High Initiative :Low Medium High Timid :Low Medium High Energy :Low Medium High Regularity :Low Medium High Intensity :Low Medium High Persistence : Low Medium High Motivation :Low Medium High

 Brain development  Social Development  A time to “be in charge” the right way  Imagination and Creativity  Develop problem solving skills  Play is not a waste of time  May be a form of much needed “down time”

 Must spend time together: “Floor time”  Gives you a higher sense of parent efficacy  Builds self esteem and self worth in your child  Actually improves effectiveness of discipline  Schedule it and/or initiate it!  Keep it simple for time and activity!!!  It doesn’t need to cost money  It doesn’t need to take a lot of time

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children. ~Charles R. Swindoll

Important and enduring beliefs or ideals shared by the members of a culture about what is good or desirable and what is not  Teaching Universal Morals  Managing Emotions  Responsibility (chores)  Independent Decision Making  Must be modeled  Limits and Discipline

 Children do need discipline and guidelines for appropriate behavior.  Maintain role as “authority figure”, but look for opportunities to teach mutual problem solving.  It’s OK for your child to be angry at you once in a while-it probably means you’re doing your job.

 Good way to help children LEARN to comply and obey  Allows for better time limited discipline  Gives parents a consistent tool for effective parenting  Minimizes the need to keep up with long and unrealistic punishments  Minimizes the need to be creative with punishments

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out. ~Erma Bombeck

 Problems to you may be Solutions to them  What might my child be trying to accomplish with this attitude or behavior  Try to look at the message behind the behavior  “Children will do well when they can” (Ross Green)

 Closeness: Positive Recognition vs. Negative Attention Seeking  Power/Control: Independence vs. Defiance  Protection: Assertive vs. Aggressive  Withdrawal: Centering vs. Avoidance

 Not just words  Look for opportune times  Don’t “expect” good communication in the height of a problem

 Moderation, Moderation, Moderation!!!  Begin teaching self control early  MODEL self control with electronics  Too much can affect mood, sleep, mental acuity  Emphasize completion of what MUST be done before using electronics  They can be addictive  Establish “Electronic Free Zones”

 Give yourself credit for doing the best job you can as a parent  Forgive yourself when you make mistakes  Take time for yourself without your children  Seek support or help if you need it

 Goal is not to be the “perfect parent” but to increase the odds of a good parenting outcome  Be aware of negative self talk and attempt to problem solve without fear or guilt  Spend time with your child – keep it simple  Learn their temperament and love languages because this leads to acceptance and approval  Teach them self control and limit them when they can’t do it for themselves  Discipline and limits are vital

 Complete the love languages / temperament scales about yourself and your child(ren) (10)  Apply the Cognitive Behavior steps to at least one problem you are currently having (15)  Schedule some 1-1 time with your child (5)  Pick one Parent Efficacy Factor discussed in this talk, learn more about, and think of ways to improve in that area of your parenting (30)