Chapter 9 Gendered Close Relationships Gendered Lives Chapter 9 Gendered Close Relationships

I. The Meaning of Personal Relationships Personal relationships = partners depend on each other Affection Material Regard e/o as unique Can’t be replaced Most relationships are social/professional Can be replaced

A. Models of Personal Relationships Differences in masculine/feminine orientations towards close relationships coincides with male and female approaches to relationships Researchers disagree about what these differences mean

1. The Male Deficit Model Society views women as interpersonally sensitive Assume their way of forming relationships is the “right way” Some research claims that a man’s style of building relationships is inadequate male deficit model

1. The Male Deficit Model Assumption of model – personal talk is hallmark of intimacy Women self-disclose more more intimate than men Led to deficient judgments about men Men advised to overcome deficiencies Get in touch with their soft side

1. The Male Deficit Model Male feminists thought men emotionally repressed Would be enriched by expressing feelings Researchers claimed men felt threatened by intimacy Focused on activities Men suffer from stunted emotional development

2. The Alternative Paths Model Alternate paths model - gendered socialization root of differences in styles of relating

2. The Alternative Paths Model 2 primary differences from the male deficit model 1. Does not presume masculine people lack feelings or that it’s unimportant to them Suggests socialization constrains men’s comfort in expressing

2. The Alternative Paths Model And #2… 2. Masculine people do express closeness, but not in same way feminine people do Both styles equally valid Descriptive not evaluative

2. The Alternative Paths Model Cancian (1987, 1989) How we think about intimacy is heavily gendered, “feminine ruler” (emotional talk) Swain (1989) In the “doing” (separate but equal) Goldsmith and Dun (1997) Women use both emotional & instrumental forms

2. The Alternate Paths Model Cancian and Oliker (2000) Both enjoy activities but the “How” is different Hale, Tighe, and Mongeau (1997) “Who” they are communicating w/ makes a different Major stress vs. daily events Healthy relationships require us to be bilingual

II. Gendered Styles of Friendship Both sexes value friends & invest in them Both sexes engage in instrumental & expressive modes of building closeness There is variance in the extent Differences in how men and women interact with friends

A. Gender differences in friendships FEMININE Talk (core) Daily lives/activities Depth/Breadth Personal relationships Disclosure =Closeness Reciprocal Permeable ego boundaries High monitors These roles can enrich and constrain MASCULINE Activities (core) Swain (1989) Closeness in doing 2/3 (meaningful times w/ friends) Instrumental focus Reciprocal (fixing car) Divert during troubled times Out of sight out of mind Separatist (interests)

B. Friendships Between Women & Men Friendships between the sexes pose challenges and offer opportunities for growth Difficult not to see each other in sexual terms

B. Friendships Between Women & Men Tension arises from sex-segregated socialization in childhood Women – benefit of friendships with men is less emotionally intense companionship Men – benefit of friendships is access to emotional support

B. Friendships Between Women & Men Men and women receive more emotional support with women than with men Men reluctant to be emotionally supportive of men – inconsistent with views of gender

B. Friendships Between Women & Men Men talk more in cross-sex friendships Both sexes report friendships with women more satisfying Both sexes seek women friends in times of stress

III. Gendered Romantic Relationships Gender roles are most salient in heterosexual relationships. May be global (commonality) Script: Feminine women/masculine men desirable Men should initiate activities Women should facilitate conversation Men should excel in status and money

A. Developing Romantic Intimacy Personal ads: Men: place priority on feminine physical qualities Women: emphasize status and success Androgynous individuals: more flexible roles Less role playing between gay men and between lesbian women

Who do you think falls in love faster?

A. Developing Romantic Intimacy Men fall in love faster and harder More active, impulsive, sexualized, game playing Women more pragmatic, friendship focused

A. Developing Romantic Intimacy Sexual Intimacy: Members of both sexes enjoy casual sex Women link it to emotional involvement Heterosexual men more interested in sex whether or not attracted to a woman 60% vs. 20% Lesbians date for a while before becoming sexual Gay men more likely to have sex early in relationship 9-11 dates

A. Developing Romantic Intimacy Heterosexual relationships reflect traditional gender roles Men perceived as head of family Women assume responsibility for domestic labor and child care African American relationships more egalitarian

A. Developing Romantic Intimacy Homosexual relationships resemble best-friend relationships w/ the added dimension of sexuality Women More monogamous High in emotionality Most equality Men Less emphasis on monogamy Greater emphasis on independence and power

B. 4 Primary dimensions of long-term love relationships 1. Gendered Modes of expressing affection 2. Gendered preferences for autonomy and connection 3. Gendered responsibility for relational health 4. Gendered power dynamics

1. Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection Masculine mode: instrumental Talk = fixing Feminine mode: emotionally expressive Talk = prevention

1. Gendered Modes of Expressing Affection Homosexual relationships: Men: engage in more emotional talk than straight men but less than women Women: most expressive communication climate Report the highest level of satisfaction

2. Gendered Preferences for Autonomy & Connection Feminine: Connection (varying degrees) Masculine: Autonomy Demand-withdraw pattern Stronger impact when a mans comfort zone is challenged Careful w/ answering the WHY question Feminine ruler Men don’t care Women are intrusive

3. Gendered Responsibility for Relational Health Lesbian couples share responsibility for relationship Heterosexual couples – assume woman has primary responsibility for relationship Highest levels of satisfaction when both responsible for the relationship

4. Gendered Power Dynamics Gay couples may compete for power and status Newsweek (2004) study reported: 41% better men work and women stay home 25% unacceptable for women to be the major breadwinner Not reality for 1/3 of married couples that both work Statistics of black women vs. black men Black men feel threatened Divorce rates have quadrupled since 1960

4. Gendered Power Dynamics People who adhere to traditional views likely to experience decrease in self-esteem and marital satisfaction when the woman makes more money This primarily depends on childhood observation of their parents gender orientations/roles

4. Gendered Power Dynamics Power is reflected in distribution of home labor Second shift (Hochschild) Childcare (working parents): Married mothers: 51 hours Married fathers: 33 hours Single moms: 44 hours

4. Gendered Power Dynamics More differences Recent trends (1960; 1980) Flexible vs. more taking/less gratifying chores On duty Psychological responsibility (birthday parties) Multi-tasking More frequent occasional fun trips

4. Gendered Power Dynamics Consequences of second shift substantial Women stressed, fatigued, susceptible to illness Similar stress found in single fathers Frustration, resentment, conflict likely

4. Gendered Power Dynamics Power differences are also seen in conflict styles Masculine individuals: unilateral strategies to engage in and avoid conflicts Issue ultimatums, refuse to listen, assert partner blowing things out of proportion Feminine individuals: accomodate or compromise Employ indirect strategies Tension less pronounced in lesbian relationships Power struggles common for gay partners

4. Gendered Power Dynamics Gendered power dynamics underlie violence and abuse 28 – 50% of women experience some level of physical abuse from their partner Violence cuts across race, ethnic, and class lines Violence inflicted primarily by men 12 – 18 seconds a woman is beaten by a man 4 women a day are beaten to death Women are 600% more likely to be brutaized by an intimate that men Thompson (1991) study