



ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor proposes to Bertha. Victor Bertha

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor proposes to Bertha. - Bertha accepts since previously unmatched. Victor Bertha

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Wyatt proposes to Diane. Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Wyatt proposes to Diane. - Diane accepts since previously unmatched. Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Xavier proposes to Bertha. Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Xavier proposes to Bertha. - Bertha dumps Victor and accepts Xavier. Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Victor proposes to Amy. Amy Victor

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Victor proposes to Amy. - Amy accepts since previously unmatched.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Yancey proposes to Amy. Amy Yancey

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Yancey proposes to Amy. - Amy rejects since she prefers Victor.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Yancey proposes to Diane. Diane Yancey

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Yancey proposes to Diane. - Diane dumps Wyatt and accepts Yancey.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Wyatt proposes to Bertha. Bertha Wyatt

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Wyatt proposes to Bertha. - Bertha rejects since she prefers Xavier.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Wyatt proposes to Amy. Amy Wyatt

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Wyatt proposes to Amy. - Amy rejects since she prefers Victor.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Wyatt proposes to Clare. Clare Wyatt

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Wyatt proposes to Clare. - Clare accepts since previously unmatched.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Zeus proposes to Bertha. Bertha Zeus

BerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Zeus proposes to Bertha. - Bertha rejects since she prefers Xavier.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Zeus proposes to Diane. Diane Zeus

BerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Diane Zeus Zeus proposes to Diane. - Diane rejects Yancey and accepts Zeus.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Diane Zeus Yancey proposes to Clare. Clare Yancey

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Diane Zeus Clare Yancey Yancey proposes to Clare. - Clare rejects since she prefers Wyatt.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Diane Zeus Clare Yancey Yancey proposes to Bertha. Bertha Yancey

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Diane Zeus Clare Yancey Bertha Yancey Yancey proposes to Bertha. - Bertha rejects since she prefers Xavier.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Diane Zeus Clare Yancey Bertha Yancey Yancey proposes to Erika. Erika Yancey

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Diane Zeus Clare Yancey Bertha Yancey Erika Yancey Yancey proposes to Erika. - Erika accepts since previously unmatched.

ZeusBerthaAmyDianeErikaClare YanceyAmyClareDianeBerthaErika XavierBerthaClareErikaDianeAmy WyattDianeAmyBerthaClareErika VictorBerthaDianeAmyErikaClare Man 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Men’s Preference List ErikaYanceyZeusWyattXavierVictor DianeVictorYanceyZeusXavierWyatt ClareWyattYanceyXavierZeusVictor BerthaXavierYanceyWyattVictorZeus AmyZeusWyattVictorYanceyXavier Woman 0 th 1 st 2 nd 3 rd 4 th Women’s Preference List Victor Bertha Diane Wyatt Bertha Xavier Amy Victor Amy Yancey Diane Yancey Bertha Wyatt Amy Wyatt Clare Wyatt Bertha Zeus Diane Zeus Clare Yancey Bertha Yancey Erika Yancey STOP - Everyone matched. - Stable matching!





Chapter Seven Love, Intimacy, and Sexuality Copyright, Corey E. Miller, 2002

Friendship and Love: Todd & Davis (1985) Best Friend relationships similar to spouse/lover – Level of acceptance – Trust – Respect – Levels of confiding – Understanding – Spontaneity – Mutual acceptance

Friendship and Love: Todd & Davis (1985) Cont’d What was different? – Sense of exclusiveness – More fascination

What is at the Root of Love? Shared interests and values Acceptance Trust Understanding Enjoyment

Should Marriage Satisfy all Needs ? Probably not – people don’t cease being individuals Often an issue in Marriages

How is Marriage Changing? Marrying later than ever before More likely to have had other relationships Dual Careers Cross-sex friends?

Mars & Venus Men can separate sex and love – However they say best sex is with woman they love – Homosexual Men Women value emotional relationships – Want Love before Sex

Double Standards Men want experienced Virgin – Sharing something special But Bad Boy/ Nice Guy – sensitive guys make the best husbands but Bad Boys are sexier

Homosexuals and Love Love is important in Homosexual Relationship Kurdek’s Research – Lesbians – more importance on Egalitarianism – Gay Men more comfortable with independence – No real difference in terms of longevity and happiness

Comparing Homosexual and Heterosexual Relationships Gay Male relationships had more autonomy Lesbians had more egalitarian relationship Differences in terms of barriers to leaving and dissolution of relationship

Non-traditional Choices Meaningful affairs are most threatening (Blumstein & Schwartz, 1983) – Jealousy is still present Celibacy – Frees up energy for platonic Love

Different Feelings Associated with Love Caring: wanting to help the other person Needing: have a strong desire to be in their presence and have them care for you Trust: exchange of confidences Tolerating: tolerate faults & foibles

Evidence of Love Verbally expressing affection Self-disclosing Nonmaterial evidence – support Expressing non-verbal feelings Offering material evidence – Gifts, flowers, doing more than your share of something Physically expressing Love Tolerating the Other

Gottman’s Strength of Marriage Test (Courtesy of Newsweek, 4/19, 1999) I can name my partner’s best friends. I can tell you what stresses my partner is currently facing. I know the names of some of the people who have been irritating my partner lately. I can tell you some of my partner’s life dreams. I can tell you about my partner’s basic philosophy of life. I can list the relatives my partner likes the least. I feel that my partner knows me pretty well.

Gottman’s Strength of Marriage Test (Courtesy of Newsweek, 4/19, 1999) When we are apart, I often think fondly of my partner. I often touch or kiss my partner affectionately. My partner really respects me. There is fire and passion in this relationship. Romance is definitely still a part of our relationship. My partner appreciates the things I do in this relationship. My partner generally likes my personality.

Gottman’s Strength of Marriage Test (Courtesy of Newsweek, 4/19, 1999) Our sex life is mostly satisfying. At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me. My partner is one of my best friends. We just love talking to each other. There is lots of give and take (both people have influence) in our discussions. My partner listens respectfully, even when we disagree. My partner is usually a great help as a problem solver. We generally mesh well on basic values and goals in life.

Styles of Love Eros- love of beauty Mania- obsessive love Ludus- playful love Storge- companionate love Agape- altruistic love Pragma- practical love

The Triangular Theory of Love Theory developed by Robert Sternberg Emphasizes the dynamic quality of love relationships 3 elements: – intimacy – passion – decision/commitment

Intimacy, Passion & Commitment

Intimacy, Passion & Commitment (Cont’d)

Sternberg’s Sign’s of Intimacy Wanting to Promote Partner’s Welfare Feeling Happiness with your partner Holding you partner in high regard Being able to count on your partner in times of need Being able to understand your partner

Sternberg’s Sign’s of Intimacy Sharing yourself and your possessions with partner Receiving emotional support Giving emotional support Being able to communicate with your partner about intimate things Valuing your partner’s presence in your life

Sternberg’s Kinds of Love Liking (intimacy only) Infatuation (passion only) Romantic Love (intimacy & passion) Companionate Love (intimacy and commitment)

Sternberg’s Kinds of Love Fatuous Love (passion and commitment) Consummate Love (intimacy, passion, and commitment) Empty Love (decision/commitment only) Nonlove (absence of intimacy, passion, and commitment)

Attachment Attachment – a close, enduring emotional bond that has its roots in infancy

Love as Attachment Attachment Bond depends on AO’s responsiveness Infant happier in AO’s presence Shares discoveries with AO Coos, talks baby talk Feeling of oneness with AO Romantic love Feelings are related to lover’s interest Happier when lover is present Shares experiences with lover Lovers coo, talk baby talk Feeling of oneness with lover

Types of Attachment Secure attachments – easy to get close to people – Marriages last 10 years (on average) – 56%

Types of Attachment (Cont’d) Anxious/ambivalent attachment – Want more more closeness, obsessive, jealous, desire for union – 5 yrs ~ 20% of sample Avoidant attachments – discomfort in closeness, fear of intimacy – 6 yrs ~ 25%

Unrequited Love Cyrano style - knows love is hopeless Giselle style - misinterprets signals, thinks love is possible Don Quixote style - simply wants to be in love

Jealousy Don’t mistake Jealously for Love – Better indicator of insecurity or jealousy – Warning signs of abusive relationships Suspicious jealousy Reactive jealousy Boundary markers

The Transformation of Love: From Passion to Intimacy Intimate love Commitment Caring Self-disclosure

Closing Thought What every married person knows is that love is a poor substitute for respect. – Kurt Vonnegut Kurt Vonnegut = author not psychologist





Mathematical Models of Love & Happiness J. C. Sprott Department of Physics University of Wisconsin - Madison Presented to the Chaos and Complex Systems Seminar in Madison, Wisconsin on February 6, 2001

Outline n Love model - Inspired by Steve Strogatz (Cornell University) n Happiness model - In collaboration with Keith Warren (Ohio State Univ)

Simple Linear Model n dR/dt = aR + bJ n dJ/dt = cR + dJ n where u R is Romeo’s love for Juliet u J is Juliet’s love for Romeo u (or hate if negative) u a, b, c, d are constants that determine the “Romantic styles”

Limitations of Model n It’s difficult to quantify and measure love and hate. n Love is not a scalar (different types). n Parameters change in time and with the situation. n Parameters may be different for love and hate. n There are always other variables.

Some “Romantic Styles” n dR/dt = aR + bJ n a=0 (out of touch with own feelings) n b=0 (oblivious to other’s feelings) n a>0, b>0 (eager beaver) n a>0, b<0 (narcissistic nerd) n a 0 (cautious lover) n a<0, b<0 (hermit)

Number of Pairings n 6 styles for Romeo X 6 styles for Juliet = 36 different pairings. n Only 21 give unique dynamics (because of R/J symmetry) n but… It’s actually worse than that: n 4 parameters with 3 choices (-,0,+) for each gives 3 4 = 81 combinations of which 45 are unique n And there are subclasses depending on values and initial conditions.

Both out of touch with their own feelings n dR/dt = aR + bJ n dJ/dt = cR + dJ n Four subclasses: u b > 0, c > 0 (mutual love fest or war) u b > 0, c < 0 (never-ending cycle) u b 0 (never-ending cycle) u b < 0, c < 0 (unrequited love) 0 0

Out of touch with their own feelings (continued) b > 0, c > 0b < 0, c < 0b > 0, c < 0 Two lovers Love fest (or war) Two nerds Unrequited love Nerd + lover Never-ending cycle War

With Self-Awareness and bc < 0 (nerd + lover) a + d < -2|bc| 1/2 a + d < 0a + d > 0 Extremely cautious Rapid apathy Somewhat cautious Eventual apathy Overly eager Growing volatility (The only equilibrium is apathy)

Fire and Water (Do opposites attract?) n Take c = -b and d = -a n Result depends on a, c, and the initial conditions n Can end up in any quadrant n Or with a steady oscillation n But never apathy

Peas in a Pod (Are clones bored or blissful?) n Take c = b and d = a n Result depends on a, b, and the initial conditions n Can end up in any quadrant n Or at the origin (boredom) n But no oscillations

Romeo the Robot (How does Juliet react?) n Take a = b = 0 (dR/dt = 0) n dJ/dt = cR + dJ n There is an equilibrium at J = -cR/d n Can be either love or hate depending on signs of R, c, and d n Stable if d 0 n Her feelings never die n No oscillations are possible

Effect of Nonlinearities Replace ax with ax(1-|x|), etc. (logistic function) x ax ax(1 - |x|) a tanh x

New kinds of Dynamics New equilibrium pointsLimit cycles (but no chaos in 2D)

A Love Triangle n Romeo has a mistress, Guinevere n Guinevere and Juliet don’t know about one another n Romeo responds to each with the same romantic style (same a and b) n Guinevere’s hate has the same effect on his feelings for Juliet as does Juliet’s love, and vice versa

Love Triangle Equations n dR J /dt = aR J + b(J - G) n dJ/dt = cR J + dJ n dR G /dt = aR G + b(G - J) n dG/dt = eR G + fG n System is 4D (4 variables) n There are 6 parameters n System is linear (no chaos)

Linear Love Triangle Examples

Romeo’s Fate n Averaged over all romantic styles (combinations of parameters) and initial conditions: u 37% loves Juliet & hates Guinevere u 37% loves Guinevere & hates Juliet u 6% loves both (2% everyone in love) u 6% hates both (2% everyone in hate) u 14% apathy (10% everyone apathetic) n Anything can happen!

One Chaotic Solution of Nonlinear Love Triangle a,b,c,f > 0; d,e < 0 (Romeo is an “eager beaver”) “Strange attractor of love”

Possible Further Studies n What happens if Guinevere and Juliet know about one another? (6D system) n What happens if only Guinevere knows about Juliet? (5D system, asymmetric) n What happens if Juliet and/or Guinevere has another lover? (6D or 8D system) n What are the dynamics of a free-love commune? (large-D system) n Is there an optimum pairing of romantic styles that encourages success or portends failure? If such problems interest you, let’s collaborate!

Simple 2D Linear Model n dR/dt = aR + bJ n dJ/dt = cR + dJ d 2 R/dt 2 +  dR/dt +  2 R = 0   = -a - d (damping)   2 = ad - bc (frequency)

Solutions of 2-D Linear System

d 2 x/dt 2 +  dx/dt +  2 x = F(t) n Happiness: H = dx/dt u Habituation u Acclimation u Adaptation n Only changes are perceived Happiness Model DampingOscillationExternal forces

What is x ? n x = integral of H n x is what others perceive n H (your happiness) must average to zero (with positive damping) n x does not average to zero

Winning the Lottery

Drug or Other Addiction

Intermittent Reinforcement

Random Events

Real Life

Parameter Space   2

Some Implications n Constant happiness is an unrealistic goal. n Others see less volatility in you and often wrongly conclude how you feel. Individuals can be categorized by their values of  and . Manic depression may correspond to  ~ 0. n Long prison terms may be ineffective.

A few other happiness studies n Brickman, Coates & Janoff-Bulman (1978) report only small differences in life satisfaction between paraplegics, control subjects, and lottery winners. n Lykken (1981) reports that religious people are not noticeably happier than freethinkers. n Diener & Diener (1996) review studies indicating that all American socioeconomic groups score above neutral in life satisfaction, as do people with severe disabilities.

What disabilities, you ask? n Hellmich (1995) reports that 84% of individuals with extreme quadriplegia say that their life is average or above average. n Delespaul & DeVries (1987) report that people with chronic mental problems claim positive well-being.

As for the dynamics n Silver (1982) reports that individuals with spinal cord injuries are very unhappy immediately following their injury, but that 58% state that happiness is their strongest emotion by the third week after their injuries. n Suh, Diener, & Fujita (1996) report that good and bad events have almost no effect on happiness after 6 months.

In Summary... (Lykken 1999) n There seem to be no permanent ups and downs; natural selection has made us this way, because, by accommodating to both adversity and to good fortune in this fashion, we remain more productive, more adaptable to changing circumstances, and more likely to have viable offspring.

Other Similar Qualities n Sense of wealth n Health n Intelligence n Skills n Senses u hot/cold u smell u vision u hearing...

Summary n Love and happiness are wonderful n So is mathematics

References n lectures/love&hap/ (This talk) lectures/love&hap/ n Steven H. Strogatz, Nonlinear Dynamics and Chaos (Addison- Wesley, 1994) n





Ideology of Female Love

Love you more & more 很愛很愛你 I want to do something for you that would make you happier 想為你做件事 讓 你更快樂的事 To imprint my name in your heart 好在你的心中埋下我的名字 Asking for more time while you are off guard 求時間 趁 著你 不 注意的時候 Making the seed stealthily grow into a fruit 悄悄地 把 這種子釀成果實

I think that she is indeed the better woman for you 我想她的確是 更 適合你的女子 I am not tender, mature, graceful and sophisticated enough 我太不夠溫柔成熟優雅懂事 If I compromise to be your friend instead 如果我 退 回到 好 朋友的位置 It would be no longer necessary to embarrass you like this 你也就 不 再需要為難成這樣子

I love you so much that I can let you go 很愛很愛你 所 以願意 捨 得讓你 Fly to the place that is full of happiness 往更多幸福的地方飛去 I love you very much only if you have romance, I will feel relieved 很愛很愛你 只 有讓你 擁 有愛情 我 才安心 Seeing her walk towards you the picture of that is so beautiful 看著她走向你 那 幅畫面多美麗 If I cry, just because of happiness 如果我會哭泣也是因為歡喜

It’s not easy for two people to meet in this world 地球上 兩 個人 能 相遇不容易 I still feel grateful even though I couldn’t be your lover 作不成你的情人我仍感激