Language styles Distance Deference Camaraderie

Mores or “styles” Distance: typical of middle and upper class Europeans and Americans, sets boundaries between persons; protects “turf” Deference: more typically Asian; the “no” does not challenge existing social hierarchies; sometimes a feminine more Camaraderie: very new American more, celebrates openness and honesty over politeness

Distance--uses language to establish boundaries A (about co-worker): What’s Mary’s story? B: I really don’t know. A: No, seriously, what do you make of her? B: I don’t know her all that well. She seems nice enough. Doesn’t say much. A: Just look at her! I mean, you know. B: I guess I really don’t.

Deference--uses language to establish hierarchies P: I need you to request those changes in writing. Q: Okay. Do I need a specific form? P: Ask Sue (P’s secretary). Q: Thanks. I’ll get that to you ASAP.

Camaraderie--uses language to show openness and honesty X: Did you get that course you wanted? The one that meets Thursday? Y: NO! I’m NOT taking calc at 3:30 on a Friday. Not happening. X: Maybe another section will open up. Maybe someone will drop. Keep trying. Y: My advisor won’t do I’m so pissed!

Saying Yes Distance Deference Camaraderie

Distance: Want to have dinner? Sure. When? Okay. Want me to drive? I’d like that. Where did you have in mind? Sure. Let’s see if Susan also hasn’t eaten. I know a good place for pizza.

Deference: Want to have dinner? Yes, thanks for asking. Oh, you don’t have to do that... but... if you really want to... Of course. Where should we go? Oh, that sounds like so much fun! What a good idea! I’m sorry. I should have asked if you were hungry.

Camaraderie: Want to have dinner? Why not? Well, you’re not my first choice, but you’ll do till he comes along. I hope you’re paying. I’m broke. Nah, I figure we’ll sit here all evening starving to death trying to figure out what to do and where to go.

Saying No Distance Deference Camaraderie

Distance: Want to have dinner? Tonight’s not good for me. I’m dieting this month. My mother is visiting me. This is just not a good time for me. I’m going to work through dinner. My calendar is so full. I’ll get back to you on that.

Deference: Want to have dinner? I’d love to, but this is simply not a good time for me. Let’s do that sometime when we’re both not so busy. As soon as I’ve lost ten pounds, I’m up for it. That’s a great idea! Unfortunately, I’ve got houseguests and plans.

Camaraderie: Want to have dinner? Nope. It would never work--next thing I know you’d want something more. No, and you don’t really want dinner either. About as much as I want another hole in my head. When pigs fly!