Conflict and You

Statements about Conflict “If we have conflict, our relationship is horrible or ‘not meant to be’.” “We can avoid conflict if we really try.” “We don’t understand each other and that’s why we fight.” “We can resolve any type of conflict.” “If we didn’t have conflict, the relationship would be perfect.”

The Hocker & Wilmot (1991) Definition "Expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce rewards, and interference from the other party in achieving their goals." Do you agree with this definition?

Break It Down Now… Expressed struggle can be: Verbal – you tell a friend that you are upset. Nonverbal – your neighbor’s dog barks and you silently seethe. Book states: “Both people must know that a problem exists before their conflict surfaces.” True?

Break It Down Now… Perceived Incompatible Goals: Presupposes a winner and loser. Does somebody have to always lose? If the goal is for both parties to win, is it still a conflict?

Break It Down Now… Perceived Scarce Rewards: 1. Not enough of something to go around 2. What are common scarce rewards that cause conflict in personal and professional situations?

Break It Down Now… Interdependence… The Two Participants… Must be stakeholders. Must care about reaching resolution … or dissolution. How many conflicts remain unsolved because the people fail to understand (or are unwilling to admit) that they need each other? Where have you experienced this in your personal or professional life?

Functional Vs. Dysfunctional Conflict 4. De-escalation versus Escalation a. Working toward an amicable solution b. Letting problems escalate 5. Focusing versus Drifting a. Dealing with one issue in the present moment… or… b. Kitchen sinking an issue. Fighting about something that happened six months ago. 6. Foresight versus Shortsightedness a. Fighting about what’s important; working toward resolution. … or… b. Fighting about who started a fight; forgetting about solutions to the real problem. 1. Integration versus polarization. a. Recognizing the other person's needs… or… b. Automatically labeling someone as bad or untrustworthy. 2. Cooperation versus Isolation a. Doing what's best for the relationship… or b. One winner-one loser mentality 3. Agreement versus Coercion a. Finding unified ground… or… b. Instigating "power plays"

Conflict is Inevitable! Can’t we all just get along? Research reveals: An average of 3.3 conflict episodes per meal of 52 families Couples spend an average of 11 minutes per day talking, but have at least one negative exchange each day.

The Key is Each Person’s Perception of the Conflict Your language, perception, and attitude makes all the difference in how interpersonal conflicts are resolved or dissolved. Healthy fire: Couples view conflict as “constructive disagreement.” Unhealthy fire: This is war! Linguistic indicators: "He shot down my argument!" "Why are you blowing up at me?" Conflict is “messy” "Let's not open up this can of worms!" "That's a sticky situation." Defeatist messages; one side has to win. "That was out of bounds!" "You didn't play fair."

So how do YOU do conflict? Nonassertion Physical Conversational Putting up with the status quo Accommodating or giving in When is nonassertion the best choice?

So how do YOU do conflict? Indirect Communication Hinting to others Saving face for the other person Nonverbal indicators… yawning Why do we choose this when dating or when we need to protect ourselves?

So how do YOU do conflict? Passive Aggression Disguising the dissatisfaction Crazymaking Denial Using humor When you use this tactic, people get irritated with you and think you are underhanded. You still may not get what you want!

So how do YOU do conflict? Direct Aggression Physical attack Psychological attacks Dangerous to the relationship Recipient is often embarrassed, hurt, humiliated, depressed, feels inadequate… may end up in the hospital Verbal aggression will bankrupt your relationships!!!!!

So how do YOU do conflict? Assertion Describe the observable behavior that prompted the message. Explain your interpretation of the behavior. Use “I” language—own your feelings! Discuss the feelings that arise from your interpretation Share the consequences of the information you have shared so far. Make an intention statement of what you want.

Which style belongs to you? There is no single best way to respond to conflict. Determine the situation. If someone has more power than you, be nonassertive. Consider the other person – if you are dealing with a very sensitive person, direct aggression may not work. Consider your goals – if you want to solve a problem, be assertive, but considerate.

Conflict in Relationships Complimentary conflict style – partners use different but mutually reinforcing behavior. Symmetrical – both people use the same tactics. Parallel means switching between the two. Escalatory spiral – if you each treat each other with matching hostility De-escalatory spiral – you both ignore the problem.

How to Resolve Conflict It’s time to DEFER (Lose-Win) When you are clearly wrong. When the long-term cost of winning may not be worth the short-term gains.

It’s time to COMPROMISE: When there is not time to seek out a win-win outcome. When the other person is not willing to seek out a win-win outcome.

When sustaining the relationship is not important to you. It’s time to COMPETE (Win-Lose) When the issue is important and the other person will take advantage of your noncompetitive approach. When sustaining the relationship is not important to you.

When the issue is too important for compromise. It’s time to COOPERATE (Win-Win) When the issue is too important for compromise. When a long-term relationship is important to you.

Results of Dysfunctional Disagreement No one gets what they really want. One wins, another gets hurt. The future of your relationship is strained “He or she who leaves a relationship in anger is destined to make the same mistakes over and over and over again.”

Results of Functional Disagreement You have the reward of facing a challenge successfully. Better self-esteem and knowledge of each other – the relationship is stronger! Safe outlet for frustration and aggression. Avoidance of a kitchen full of sinks!