Achieving a Satisfying Relationship

Forming an Independent Identity Newly married couples need to become independent from their parents in order to enter into an intimate relationship with another personNewly married couples need to become independent from their parents in order to enter into an intimate relationship with another person

Honest Communication Developing an identity is important because it allows each individual to self-disclose, or reveal things about themselves to their partnerDeveloping an identity is important because it allows each individual to self-disclose, or reveal things about themselves to their partner It nurtures trust and shows respect for the other by allowing each partner to maintain their differences, yet, at the same time, grow togetherIt nurtures trust and shows respect for the other by allowing each partner to maintain their differences, yet, at the same time, grow together Deep love and respect needs to ‘grow’ over timeDeep love and respect needs to ‘grow’ over time

‘Unnatural behaviour”? Each partner in a new marriage needs to learn to ‘give and take’ in order to meet each other’s social and emotional needsEach partner in a new marriage needs to learn to ‘give and take’ in order to meet each other’s social and emotional needs According to evolutionary psychologists, this is nor a ‘natural’ behaviour – since the main focus of marriage for centuries was reproductionAccording to evolutionary psychologists, this is nor a ‘natural’ behaviour – since the main focus of marriage for centuries was reproduction Each partner must learn to communicate their needs and concernsEach partner must learn to communicate their needs and concerns

Strong Ego Development Each individual must accept responsibility for themselves and be assertive about their needsEach individual must accept responsibility for themselves and be assertive about their needs Each person needs to learn how to let the other person know what their needs are in a way the other person can understandEach person needs to learn how to let the other person know what their needs are in a way the other person can understand

Problem Solving Couples must learn how to problem solve togetherCouples must learn how to problem solve together Systems theory suggests that couples need to develop their own ‘mythology’ about who they are and a develop a set of strategies that wil provide a framework for problem solving – whether they are big or smallSystems theory suggests that couples need to develop their own ‘mythology’ about who they are and a develop a set of strategies that wil provide a framework for problem solving – whether they are big or small

Shared Power Couples need to learn to ‘negotiate’ or to accept the influence of the other by respecting or honoring his or her opinionCouples need to learn to ‘negotiate’ or to accept the influence of the other by respecting or honoring his or her opinion Sharing power puts ‘us’ ahead of ‘me’Sharing power puts ‘us’ ahead of ‘me’ Successful couples need to turn to each other to face problems – this takes practice!Successful couples need to turn to each other to face problems – this takes practice!

Are ‘equal’ marriages possible Very few marriages are totally egalitarian, or, equalVery few marriages are totally egalitarian, or, equal The actual balance of power in a relationship isn’t as important as the concept that there needs to be a feeling of ‘shared’ decision making and problem solvingThe actual balance of power in a relationship isn’t as important as the concept that there needs to be a feeling of ‘shared’ decision making and problem solving Guys tend to want to problem solve alone, where as girls tend to want the ‘shared approach’, and are more apt to accept other’s influencesGuys tend to want to problem solve alone, where as girls tend to want the ‘shared approach’, and are more apt to accept other’s influences

Gottman and Silver A husband’s acceptance of a wife’s influence in decisions was beneficial to the marriageA husband’s acceptance of a wife’s influence in decisions was beneficial to the marriage Bottom line: Each person must learn to adjust his or her role as a result of the other’s influenceBottom line: Each person must learn to adjust his or her role as a result of the other’s influence If this doesn’t happen, the relationship may not lastIf this doesn’t happen, the relationship may not last

Homework Read the handout “God’s Design for Marriage” and answer the questionsRead the handout “God’s Design for Marriage” and answer the questions This can be done in partners or a small groupThis can be done in partners or a small group