Steps in the Revision Process 1.Let it age 2.Get an overview 3.Check the facts 4.Examine the context of your facts 5.Test the macrostructure 6.Test the microstructure 7.Print out a fresh copy 8.Prune for conciseness 9.Check for Clarity  in case you over-pruned 10.Check for errors  just 10% of the revision process

Step 8: Prune for Conciseness Drafts are always full of flab –The book suggests each page can reduce 20% –Flab is a symptom of not knowing what you want to say beforehand (which is OK) Flab makes your writing: –Hard to understand –Boring to read –Less persuasive The battle against flab is fought one sentence at a time. It takes time!

Step 8: Prune for Conciseness Common errors: 1.Flabby compounds 2.Redundancies 3.Modifier strings 4.Indirect constructions (passive voice) 5.Hedging when unnecessary 6.Throat clearers

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What is the first problem? 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: The “that” goes also: “It should be noted … that” 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the next problem? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase also contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the next problem? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: You destroyed the point of the sentence. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the next problem? 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: This phrase contains NO information. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: What other unit could there be? 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the next problem? 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: Such a vague word. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the next problem? 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

Let’s see an example “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) Q: What’s the problem here? A: the exact way that its not “as well” = efficiency. 1. Flabby compound 4. Indirect construction 2. Redundancy 5. Unnecessary hedging 3. Modifier string 6.Throat clearer

And now cleaning it up “It should be noted in regard to the catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project that it seems that this unit is not functioning quite as well or as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104) “The catalytic converter installed as part of the demonstration project is not functioning as efficiently as anticipated.” (page 104)

1. Flabby compounds Page 105 has a whole list of commonly used phrases which really only need to be single words:  along the lines of  like  due to the fact that  because (since)  etc. At the top of the page, it also warns: “Keep an eye out for swollen adjectives and adverbs.” Some examples are:  from time to time  intermittently  widely-applicable  useful

2. Redundancies Some repetition is useful (eg., page 87). Redundancy is useless repetition. Some examples: With a preposition (these are easy to spot):  round in shape  round  rise to a higher level  rise Without a preposition:  at the present time  at the present (or better: currently) Spread across the sentence:  The photographer simultaneously snapped the picture while adjusting the lights at the same time.

3. Modifier Strings Beware of: Strings of equivalent or groupable adjectives, adverbs, nouns, or verbs: –Large and oversized  oversized –Slowly, carefully, and cautiously  meticulously (narrower) –Cell phones, wireless internet cards, bluethooth devices, etc.  all wireless devices (broader) Superlatives (book puts this on page 108): –“very unique” –“exceptionally important” Vague adjectives that might have a more precise alternative: –“important” –“better”

3. Modifier Strings Beware of: Strings of equivalent or groupable adjectives, adverbs, nouns, or verbs: –Large and oversized  oversized –Slowly, carefully, and cautiously  meticulously (narrower) –Cell phones, wireless internet cards, bluethooth devices, etc.  all wireless devices (broader) Superlatives (book puts this on page 108): –“very unique” –“exceptionally important” Vague adjectives that might have a more precise alternative: –“important” –“better”

3. Modifier Strings Beware of: Strings of equivalent or groupable adjectives, adverbs, nouns, or verbs: –Large and oversized  oversized –Slowly, carefully, and cautiously  meticulously (narrower) –Cell phones, wireless internet cards, bluethooth devices, etc.  all wireless devices (broader) Superlatives (book puts this on page 108): –“very unique” –“exceptionally important” Vague adjectives that might have a more precise alternative: –“important” –“better”

3. Modifier Strings Beware of: Strings of equivalent or groupable adjectives, adverbs, nouns, or verbs: –Large and oversized  oversized –Slowly, carefully, and cautiously  meticulously (narrower) –Cell phones, wireless internet cards, bluethooth devices, etc.  all wireless devices (broader) Superlatives (book puts this on page 108): –“very unique” –“exceptionally important” Vague adjectives that might have a more precise alternative: –“important” –“better”

3. Modifier Strings Beware of: Strings of equivalent or groupable adjectives, adverbs, nouns, or verbs: –Large and oversized  oversized –Slowly, carefully, and cautiously  meticulously (narrower) –Cell phones, wireless internet cards, bluethooth devices, etc.  all wireless devices (broader) Superlatives (book puts this on page 108): –“very unique” (illogical) –“absolutely essential” Vague adjectives that might have a more precise alternative: –“important” –“better”

3. Modifier Strings Beware of: Strings of equivalent or groupable adjectives, adverbs, nouns, or verbs: –Large and oversized  oversized –Slowly, carefully, and cautiously  meticulously (narrower) –Cell phones, wireless internet cards, bluethooth devices, etc.  all wireless devices (broader) Superlatives (book puts this on page 108): –“very unique” (illogical) –“absolutely essential” Vague adjectives that might have a more-precise alternative: (not from the book) –“important” –“better”

4. Indirect Constructions Beware of: Passive voice in general Sentences that begin with “it is” or “there is” in particular: There is one point in the proposal’s favor, which is that it has a low budget. One point in the proposal’s favor is its low budget. The proposal’s low budget is one point in its favor. The proposal has one point in its favor: a low budget.

4. Indirect Constructions Beware of: Passive voice in general Sentences that begin with “it is” or “there is” in particular: There is one point in the proposal’s favor, which is that it has a low budget. One point in the proposal’s favor is its low budget. The proposal’s low budget is one point in its favor. The proposal has one point in its favor: a low budget.

4. Indirect Constructions Beware of: Passive voice in general Sentences that begin with “it is” or “there is” in particular: There is one point in the proposal’s favor, which is that it has a low budget. One point in the proposal’s favor is its low budget. The proposal’s low budget is one point in its favor. The proposal has one point in its favor: a low budget.

5. Unnecessary Hedging Some statements must be hedged: –Although not studied, it is likely that the approach will also reduce power consumption, because of … –If larger benchmarks were available, our algorithm would be likely to produce even better results, because of … Some statements are understood to be hedged –Our algorithm improves the runtime by an average of 15%, for the benchmarks that we considered. Some statements are incorrect if hedged –Our results appear to indicate a linear relationship between the compilation time and the energy savings. (Even if the results are questionable.)

5. Unnecessary Hedging Some statements must be hedged: –Although not studied, it is likely that the approach will also reduce power consumption, because of … –If larger benchmarks were available, our algorithm would be likely to produce even better results, because of … Some statements are understood to be hedged –Our algorithm improves the runtime by an average of 15%, for the benchmarks that we considered. Some statements are incorrect if hedged –Our results appear to indicate a linear relationship between the compilation time and the energy savings. (Even if the results are questionable.)

5. Unnecessary Hedging Some statements must be hedged: –Although not studied, it is likely that the approach will also reduce power consumption, because of … –If larger benchmarks were available, our algorithm would be likely to produce even better results, because of … Some statements are understood to be hedged –Our algorithm improves the runtime by an average of 15%, for the benchmarks that we considered. Some statements are incorrect if hedged –Our results appear to indicate a linear relationship between the compilation time and the energy savings. (Even if the results are questionable.)

5. Unnecessary Hedging Some statements must be hedged: –Although not studied, it is likely that the approach will also reduce power consumption, because of … –If larger benchmarks were available, our algorithm would be likely to produce even better results, because of … Some statements are understood to be hedged: –Our algorithm improves the runtime by an average of 15%, for the benchmarks that we considered. Some statements are incorrect if hedged –Our results appear to indicate a linear relationship between the compilation time and the energy savings. (Even if the results are questionable.)

5. Unnecessary Hedging Some statements must be hedged: –Although not studied, it is likely that the approach will also reduce power consumption, because of … –If larger benchmarks were available, our algorithm would be likely to produce even better results, because of … Some statements are understood to be hedged –Our algorithm improves the runtime by an average of 15%, for the benchmarks that we considered. Some statements are incorrect if hedged –Our results appear to indicate a linear relationship between the compilation time and the energy savings. (Even if the results are questionable.)

5. Unnecessary Hedging Some statements must be hedged: –Although not studied, it is likely that the approach will also reduce power consumption, because of … –If larger benchmarks were available, our algorithm would be likely to produce even better results, because of … Some statements are understood to be hedged –Our algorithm improves the runtime by an average of 15%, for the benchmarks that we considered. Some statements are incorrect if hedged –Our results appear to indicate a linear relationship between the compilation time and the energy savings. (Even if the results are questionable.)

5. Unnecessary Hedging Some statements must be hedged: –Although not studied, it is likely that the approach will also reduce power consumption, because of … –If larger benchmarks were available, our algorithm would be likely to produce even better results, because of … Some statements are understood to be hedged –Our algorithm improves the runtime by an average of 15%, for the benchmarks that we considered. Some statements are incorrect if hedged –Our results appear to indicate a linear relationship between the compilation time and the energy savings. (Even if the results are questionable.)

6. Throat Clearers When a sentence begins with anything other than either its main point or a transitional subordinate phrase, look carefully for flab: –“It may be said that …” –“It should be pointed out that …” –“Needless to say …” (This one is even illogical) –“In this connection we would do well to note that what should be pointed out is that the hypothesis was confirmed.” “These phrases add nothing to what is coming except to notify the reader that something is coming – and they delay its arrival.”

6. Throat Clearers When a sentence begins with anything other than either its main point or a transitional subordinate phrase, look twice for flab: –“It may be said that …” –“It should be pointed out that …” –“Needless to say …” (This one is even illogical) –“In this connection we would do well to note that what should be pointed out is that the hypothesis was confirmed.” “These phrases add nothing to what is coming except to notify the reader that something is coming – and they delay its arrival.”

Steps in the Revision Process 1.Let it age 2.Get an overview 3.Check the facts 4.Examine the context of your facts 5.Test the macrostructure 6.Test the microstructure 7.Print out a fresh copy 8.Prune for conciseness 9.Check for Clarity  in case you over-pruned 10.Check for errors  just 10% of the revision process So far this class, We’ve only looked at this one

Step 9: Check for Clarity Of the 10 steps on page 98, only steps 8 & 10 get elaborated. We have just covered pages , which explained how to “Prune for Conciseness.” Having finished step 8, we go now to step 9. But, as just noted, step 9 is not elaborated. So all that is said about step 9 is the brief blurb on page 103: “Occasionally [step 8] is carried to far, and some meat gets cut with the flab … make sure that what’s left is clear to the reader” “At the same time, and remembering your reader’s level of expertise, [look for] purposeless jargon, undefined terms, and the like.”

Step 9: Check for Clarity Of the 10 steps on page 98, only steps 8 & 10 get elaborated. We have just covered pages , which explained how to “Prune for Conciseness.” Having finished step 8, we go now to step 9. But, as just noted, step 9 is not elaborated. So all that is said about step 9 is the brief blurb on page 103. “Occasionally [step 8] is carried to far, and some meat gets cut with the flab … make sure that what’s left is clear to the reader” “At the same time, and remembering your reader’s level of expertise, [look for] purposeless jargon, undefined terms, and the like.”

Step 9: Check for Clarity Of the 10 steps on page 98, only steps 8 & 10 get elaborated. We have just covered pages , which explained how to “Prune for Conciseness.” Having finished step 8, we go now to step 9. But, as just noted, step 9 is not elaborated. So all that is said about step 9 is the brief blurb on page 103: “Occasionally [step 8] is carried to far, and some meat gets cut with the flab … make sure that what’s left is clear to the reader” “At the same time, and remembering your reader’s level of expertise, [look for] purposeless jargon, undefined terms, and the like.”

Step 10: Check for Errors Avoiding common errors –Sentence fragments (already considered in Strunk) –Comma splices (already considered in Strunk) –Faulty subject/verb agreement –Faulty predication –Faulty pronoun reference –Misplaced modifiers –Dangling modifiers –Faulty parallelism Proofreading –Homonyms –General advice

Homework Read The Elements of Style, up to page 65 Perform steps 8 and 9 of the revision process. Try to remove 20% of the words from each page (as a rule of thumb). By next week, send me an with the revised draft as an attachment. –My address is: –Your must have the subject heading “Technical writing homework draft 2”.