Marriage Stew How’s Your Marriage Taste?

A 4-WEEK MARRIAGE SERIES STARTING APRIL 19 TH / JOURNEY CLASS / 9:15 AM

Worship Series until May 3rd

The Amazing Race Vacation Bible School Wanted volunteers !!! Contact R.A.

Please Pray: Men’s weekend: April Women’s Weekend: April 30 th -May 3 rd

6 Weeks Starting Wed. May 13 th Led by Haydens & Braits

In his book, Soul Cravings, Erwin Raphael McManus writes eloquently about intimacy and love. "We are most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most inhuman when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it."

Intimacy in·ti·ma·cy ˈ in(t) ə m ə sē/ noun close familiarity or friendship; closeness. "the intimacy between a husband and wife" synonyms: closeness, togetherness, affinity, rapport, attachment, familiarity, friendliness, friendship, amity, affection, warmth, confidence; informal, chumminess "the sisters reestablished their old intimacy" a private cozy atmosphere. "the room had a peaceful sense of intimacy about it" an intimate act, especially sexual intercourse. synonyms: sexual relations, (sexual) intercourse, sex, lovemaking;

Path to Greater Intimacy Companionship + Talking + Time + Respect + Boundaries + Commitment Safety + Responsiveness + Love = Great Sex Companionship + Talking + Time + Respect + Boundaries + Commitment Safety + Responsiveness + Love = Great sex SEX

Intimacy Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that occurs when the trust level and communication between two people is such that it fosters the mutual sharing of each other's innermost selves. It is unbridled mutual self disclosure. It is when we feel wholly accepted, respected, worthy, and even admired in the eyes of our mate.

Being An Adult (A Prerequisite to Emotional Intimacy) Takes Responsibility (for feelings, actions, choices, thoughts, values, love) Requires Ownership- for self & other Values Treasures- of self & other Understands that “You are not me” Sees the Other as a Person- Not Object Allows the Other’s Experience Allows the Other to be Different Respects Freedom- of space

In a state of personal fear, uncertainty or danger, your partner is your first call or the person you turn to for comfort. Crying, showing frustration or anger in front of your partner is okay. You know he/she will not see you as weak, psychotic, crazy or out of control. You can speak about sex, secrets and your feelings without a fear of being betrayed, ridiculed, or compromised. No matter what happens, you know your partner loves you and will not abandon you during a state of crisis, ill health or financial difficulty. You show or tell each other often through words and actions that you love and respect each other. Past wrongs are not dredged up in arguments to get even with each other. The past is discussed, forgiven and left there. Signs of Emotional Intimacy: How Are You Doing?

I. Ingredients That Spoil (Ways we hurt our marriages) A.We Disregard our Differences: 1)We Think Differently a)Processing Information b)Solution vs. Feelings c)Linear vs. Orbital thot Thot C Thot B Thot A Thot RThot M Thot FThot A thot

I. Ingredients That Spoil (Ways we hurt our marriages) A.We Disregard our Differences: 1)We Think Differently 2)We Are Wired Differently a)Sexual drive, interest, arousal b)Connecting through activity vs. words c)Win vs. Bond/Achievement vs. Relationships

I. Ingredients That Spoil (Ways we hurt our marriages) A.We Disregard our Differences: 1)We Think Differently 2)We Are Wired Differently 3)We Act Differently a)Activity vs. Relational Connection b)Cultural norms and pressure c)Maturity Level

I. Ingredients That Spoil (Ways we hurt our marriages) B.We Refuse to Accept our Brokenness: 1)Self-Centered & Controlling 2)We Blame Others 3)We are Wounded by Our Past 4)We are Scared to be Known

The Problem of Shame Communicating effectively begins with discovering transparency. Transparency in marriage is described in Genesis before the fall: “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed” (Genesis 2:25). But after the fall, we read, “They knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings” (Genesis 3:7). Those famous fig leaf aprons were only part of their cover-up. Sin introduced a lot more than modesty. It also brought deceit, lying, trickery, half-truths, manipulation, misrepresentation, distortion, hatred, jealousy, control, and many other vices, all causing us to wear masks.

A.Make romance a part of our everyday diet in our marriage relationship (Proverbs 5:18-19) B.Love … (I Corinthians 13) C.Honor Marriage (Heb. 13:4) D.Maintain Sexual Purity (Eph. 5:3) E.Love as Christ loved the Church (Eph. 5:25) F.You Belong to Each Other… Act like it (I Cor.7:1-9) II. Cookbook Instructions (Biblical instructions to follow)

A.Stop Trying to Make Your Spouse Think, Act, and Be You B.Accept our brokenness and love your broken spouse C.Examine & Accept our contribution to the problem D.Talk… even with words… to each other E.Be more Christ-like… 1)Less selfish 2)Love like Christ loves the Church 3)Be the safest person on earth for your spouse… listen, empathy, respect, nurture 4)Spend Time- Effort III. Fresh Ingredients (Ways we can improve our marriage)

Control Kills Oneness If you are controlling your spouses freedom and separateness, you are no longer an object of love. You have become two things your spouse will rebel against because it is a part of God’s plan. You have become the master of a slave, and you have become a parent. A spouse was never intended to be either. Cloud/Townsend

Path to Greater Intimacy: Sex Good sex begins while your clothes are still on. You can’t have good sex without a good relationship. Take responsibility for your own sexual pleasure. Talk with your spouse about sex. Make time for regular sex. Don’t let sex become routine. Allow plenty of time to make sex fun for you and your spouse. Don’t carry anger into your bedroom. Realize that good sex isn’t just technique. Nurture the romance in your life. Don’t make sex too serious. Don’t always wait to be “in the mood” before agreeing to have sex. Realize that you and your spouse don’t have to agree about everything involving sex. Try to keep your sexual expectations realistic.

IV. Cook It (Exercises to Try This Week) Sit together for a few minutes each night and read the daily devotional. Say 1 thing that meaningful to you from the reading Institute “Date Night” … time together- intentional- planned- protected (even “Date Night” at home is OK) Have an electronic-free night (or 2)… no TV, computer, cell phone, tablet, etc. See what happens when you are together without distraction Practice random acts of kindness- speaking your spouse’s “love language” Spend time cuddling… that’s all…nothing else

IV. Cook It (Exercises to Try This Week) Take turns giving each other a foot and shoulder massage…without leading to sex… Spend 10 minutes each day asking your spouse if there is anything you have done today that was harmful to intimacy for him/her? LISTEN to their response- don’t defend or disagree; Ask if there is anything from the past that you need to ask forgiveness for?... LISTEN to their response Discuss 3 questions each day with each other: What did you enjoy most about your relationship today? What was dissatisfying about your relationship today? How could things be made better for each of you?

IV. Cook It (Exercises to Try This Week) Try the self-disclosure conversation starters listed below allow these starting points to increase the self-disclosure in your marriage The kind of relationship we have is.. One way in which we are alike, is... One way in which we are different, is... If our relationship were a movie it would be called... The needs you satisfy in me are... I feel most tender towards you when.. What I like best in our relationship is... In the future, I would like our relationship to become more... In five years, I see us... Some of my needs that are not being completely satisfied are... Something you have helped me learn about myself is... One of the feelings with which I have most trouble is... I have most fun with you when...

The Fantastic Five for him 1. Notice his effort and sincerely thank him for it. (For example, say, “Thank you for mowing the lawn even though it was so hot outside” or, “Thanks for playing with the kids, even when you were so tired from work.”) 2. Say “You did a great job at __________.” 3. Mention in front of others something he did well. 4. Show that you desire him sexually and that he pleases you sexually. 5. Make it clear to him that he makes you happy. (For example, express appreciation for something he did for you with a smile, words, a big hug, etc.) IV. Cook It (Exercises to Try This Week)

The Fantastic Five for her 1. Take her hand. (For example, when walking through a parking lot or sitting together at the movies.) 2. Leave her a message by voice mail, , or text during the day to say you love and are thinking about her. 3. Put your arm around her or lay your hand on her knee when you are sitting next to each other in public (at church, at a restaurant with friends, etc.). 4. Tell her sincerely, “You are beautiful.” 5. Pull yourself out of a funk when you’re morose, grumpy, or upset about something, instead of withdrawing. (This doesn’t mean you don’t get angry or need space; it means you try to pull yourself out of it.) IV. Cook It (Exercises to Try This Week)

An Intimacy Quiz Y N 1. You have spent more than 15 minutes at any one time in the last three days nicely talking to your spouse. Y N 2. Name the two most important things on the mind of your husband or wife? Y N 3. Do you feel fulfilled and at peace ten minutes after sexual intercourse? Y N 4. Has the husband shared and discussed his future dreams in the last three months? Y N 5. Do you like being alone with your spouse walking and talking? Y N 6. Do you sense that there are no barriers between you? Y N 7. In the last week have you consciously restrained your words in order to speak nicely to your spouse?