Improving Theses and Topic Sentences

Thesis and Topic Sentences Should be analytic rather than merely descriptive If a writer simply states what is there, as the first example does, the essay will have the air of stating the obvious, and will feel like it isn’t going anywhere

The first example needs improvement Thesis: In Hardy’s Jude the Obscure, Jude has a difficult life because of his class distinction, The thesis is padded with the headings of the paragraphs. This is not necessary. (bold) Note the vagueness of the key words

Revised: Thesis: “In Hardy’s Tess of the d’Urbervilles Tess is a victim of fate more than she is a victim of her own flaws.” The padding is gone, and is replaced by a conclusion that requires thought, an assessment of the novel, a judgment call.

Topic Sentence #1 (needs improvement) Poverty: “Tess and her family are poor.” A simple statement of fact (descriptive). Imagine the paragraph that would support such a statement: a collection of obvious statements about purely objective facts. In short, it would contain no insight.

Revised Topic Sentence #1 Poverty: “ Through no fault of her own, Tess is forced by poverty into a position of vulnerability.” The opening phrase (italics) ties the topic sentence to the thesis. Note the cause and effect relationship. Poverty causes vulnerability. This must be proven.

Topic Sentence # 2 (needs improvement) Mistreatment by Alec: “Alec treats Tess badly, and this makes her life worse.” Again the key words are vague. What does Alec do to her, and how is her life worse in the end?

Topic Sentence #2 (revised) Mistreatment by Alec: Alec takes advantage of Tess’s innocence and her need, forcing her into a relationship she would never have chosen.” In this version the vague words are made specific. The bad treatment takes the form of taking advantage, and Tess’s life is worse because she is in a relationship she would never choose. The words “forcing” and “would never have chosen” tie the topic sentence to the idea of fate in the thesis.

Topic Sentence #3 (needs improvement) Society’s Double Standard: “Tess’s society has higher expectations of her than it does of men.” Not bad, but this topic sentence could be tied more explicitly to the thesis. The higher expectations imply that her life is more difficult; however, it is not a statement about Tess, but her society. Making the connection about this observation about her society and the thesis statement about Tess herself is left up to the reader.

Topic Sentence #3 (revised) Society’s Double Standard: “Tess is a victim of a double standard that accepts certain behaviour from men, but crushes women who behave the same way.” Here the subject is Tess, and the point that society has done something to her that is not her fault is absolutely clear.