Bullying and Cyberbullying: How Parents Can Help Marisa Gates-Muse

Bullying: What is it? Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behavior among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behavior is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Both kids who are bullied and who bully others may have serious, lasting problems. 

Bullying vs. Childhood Conflicts Bullying is intentional. The target does not knowingly provoke the bully and may have made it clear that the behavior is unwelcome. The behavior is often repetitive. Bullying is generally a repeated action, but can sometimes be a single incident. The incident involves hurtful acts, words, or other behavior. Bullying is a negative act intended to hurt someone else.

Bullying vs. Childhood Conflicts The act is committed by one or more people against another. Bullying can be done by a single person or by a group. There is a real or perceived imbalance of power. A child without power cannot bully. Power can be defined as: intimidation, physical strength, or social status

Types of Bullying  Verbal bullying is saying or writing mean things. Verbal bullying includes: Teasing Name-calling Inappropriate sexual comments Taunting Threatening to cause harm Social bullying, sometimes referred to as relational bullying, involves hurting someone’s reputation or relationships. Social bullying includes: Leaving someone out on purpose Telling other children not to be friends with someone Spreading rumors about someone Embarrassing someone in public Physical bullying involves hurting a person’s body or possessions. Physical bullying includes: Hitting/kicking/pinching Spitting Tripping/pushing Taking or breaking someone’s things Making mean or rude hand gestures

Relational Aggression Includes behavior meant to intentionally: attack, damage, or manipulate a person’s/friendship with others Peaks in middle school Found across social strata, rural/urban areas, countries throughout the world

The Roles Bullying Triangle Bully Bystander Victim

Bullying Consequences Bullying may result in physical injury, social or emotional distress, and even death. Victimized youth are more at risk for mental health issues such as depression and anxiety, psychosomatic complaints such as headaches Poor social adjustment

Bullying Statistics, National The 2010–2011 School Crime Supplement (National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice Statistics) indicates that, nationwide, 28% of students in grades 6–12 experienced bullying. The 2013 Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance System (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) indicates that, nationwide, 20% of students in grades 9–12 experienced bullying.\ More than 3 million children miss school each year due to fear of being tormented by fellow classmates (Ophelia Project, 2005)

Bullying Statistics, BYMS 345 respondents to a survey on School Climate, Sept. 2014 Teachers on my campus care about me. 92 % I feel safe on my campus. 81 % I have been bullied on campus in the last 30 days. 11 % I have seen someone bullied on campus in the last 30 7 days. 21 % I have seen friends get cyberbullied online or through text messages. 15 %

Misperceptions vs. Facts Misperception: Girls don't bully. Fact: Girls can and do bully, but often in a different way. Girls often use verbal and social bullying. Bullying for girls escalates during the middle school years. Misperception: Words will never hurt you. Fact: Even though words don’t leave bruises or broken bones, they can leave deep emotional scars.

Misperceptions vs. Facts Misperception: It was only teasing. Fact: Teasing in which a child is not hurt is not considered bullying. Teasing becomes bullying when the intent of the action is to hurt or harm. Misperception: Bullying will make kids tougher. Fact: Bullying does NOT make someone tougher. It often has the opposite effect—lowering a child’s sense of self-esteem and self-worth. Bullying creates fear and increases anxiety for a child.

Misperceptions vs. Facts Misperception: Bullying is a normal part of childhood. Fact: Bullying may be a common experience, but this type of aggression toward others should not be tolerated. Misperception: Children and youth who are bullied will almost always tell an adult. Fact: Most studies find that only 25%-50% of bullied children report to an adult. They may fear retaliation or that adults won't take their concerns seriously.

Misperceptions vs. Facts Misperception: Children and youth who bully are mostly loners with few social skills. Fact: Many bullies are often the “cool” or popular students. These students have friends who provide support for their actions. Misperception: Bullied kids need to learn how to deal with bullying on their own. Fact: Some children have the confidence and skills to stop bullying when it happens, but many do not. Adults have critical roles to play in helping to stop bullying, as do other children who witness or observe bullying.

Risk Factors for Targets of Bullies: Common Traits… Friendship issues. Children who are socially isolated are easy targets. They are not assertive. To the child who bullies, people who are not assertive seem weak or easily dominated. Targets are also less likely to tell someone about the bullying. They have low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence. Children with low self-esteem may feel they deserve the bullying.

Signs/Symptoms of Bullying Students May: Be frightened of walking to and from school Beg you to drive them to school Be truant Begin doing poorly in school work Come home regularly with clothes or books destroyed Refuse to talk about what’s wrong Have unexplained bruises, cuts, scratches Begin to bully other children, siblings Become aggressive or disruptive

Risk factors for students who are more likely to engage in bullying: Impulsivity Harsh Parenting by caregivers Attitudes accepting violence

Family Risk Factors for Bullying A lack of warmth and involvement on the part of parents Overly permissive parenting (including a lack of limits for children's behavior) A lack of supervision by parents Harsh, physical discipline Bullying incidences at home.

Children Who Bully Are More Likely To: Get into frequent fights Be injured in a fight Vandalize or steal property Drink alcohol Smoke Be truant from school Drop out of school Carry a weapon

Could my child be the bully? Has difficulty fitting in May look/act differently and be bullied themselves Recent traumatic event? (divorce/death of loved one) Bullying behavior witnessed at home/without friends: bullying becomes a way of controlling someone else

What if my child is the bully? Don’t ignore the situation: ask teacher/ counselor about behaviors seen at school Ask your child about giving other students a hard time: Be direct but not accusatory Ask your child to tell you about what they wish their school day was like: Look for clues. Is your child lonely? Struggling academically? Decide whether you can work with the child to correct the behavior, or if outside help is needed.

How Can I Help? Listen and focus on the child. Learn what’s been going on and show you want to help.   Assure the child that bullying is not their fault.  Know that kids who are bullied may struggle with talking about it. Consider referring them to a school counselor, psychologist, or other mental health service. Give advice about what to do. This may involve role-playing and thinking through how the child might react if the bullying occurs again. Work together to resolve the situation and protect the bullied child. The child, parents, and school or organization may all have valuable input. It may help to: Ask the child being bullied what can be done to make him or her feel safe. Remember that changes to routine should be minimized. He or she is not at fault and should not be singled out. For example, consider rearranging classroom or bus seating plans for everyone. If bigger moves are necessary, such as switching classrooms or bus routes, the child who is bullied should not be forced to change. Develop a game plan. Maintain open communication between schools, organizations, and parents. Discuss the steps that are taken and the limitations around what can be done based on policies and laws. Remember, the law does not allow school personnel to discuss discipline, consequences, or services given to other children.

What to tell a child being bullied There are things you can do if you are being bullied: Look at the kid bullying you and tell him or her to stop in a calm, clear voice. You can also try to laugh it off. This works best if joking is easy for you. It could catch the kid bullying you off guard. If speaking up seems too hard or not safe, walk away and stay away. Don’t fight back. Find an adult to stop the bullying on the spot. There are things you can do to stay safe in the future, too. Talk to an adult you trust. Don’t keep your feelings inside. Stay away from places where bullying happens. Stay near adults and other kids. Most bullying happens when adults aren’t around.

How Can I Help? Follow up with your child: How did it go? What might be more effective? Keep in contact with your student’s teacher Contact the school counselor for additional support/suggestions if the situation continues

An Important Note… The list of solutions to bullying DOES NOT include telling your child to 'fight back.' This can be MORE dangerous for your child (especially if the bully is older and stronger). This could also get your child into trouble with the school, because your child may be seen as the instigator of a fight, as opposed to the victim.

What is Cyberbullying Cyberbullying is bullying that takes place using electronic technology. Electronic technology includes devices and equipment such as cell phones, computers, and tablets as well as communication tools including social media sites, text messages, chat, and websites. Examples of cyberbullying include mean text messages or emails, rumors sent by email or posted on social networking sites, and embarrassing pictures, videos, websites, or fake profiles. Can happen 24 hours a day, 7 days a week

Parents: do you know what your child is doing online? Does your child have a phone with internet access? Do you know what apps your child uses? What social media your child uses? Do you know your child’s passwords for their phones and internet sites?

Social Media Apps Used by Youth Snapchat: With this app, kids send photos and videos -- some of them racy -- that disappear within seconds. Ask.fm: It's meant to be a place where kids can ask tough questions and share secrets, often anonymously Twitter: This service allows you to shoot messages of 140 characters or less out into the world -- or directly to friends and enemies. It's growing in popularity with teens Kik: A quick instant messaging service that claims 80 million users, who can send messages and photos with relative anonymity. It's rated 17+ but is growing in popularity with young teens and tweens. Voxer: Think walkie-talkies. This push-to-talk messaging allows kids with smart phones to share text, photos and videos with lightning speed.

Social Media, cont’d Vine: Quick 6-second video loops are the hallmark of this service, which is rated 17+ in the iTunes Store. Instagram: Selfie central -- it's where tweens and teens share photographic records of their lives, among other filtered photos. Facebook: The old social media standby. But according to a recent survey, teens' enthusiasm for the most popular social networking site is waning. Ask.fm: It's meant to be a place where kids can ask tough questions and share their secrets, often anonymously. Started in 2010, it claims 65 million users and has been linked to a number of cyberbullying cases that resulted in suicide.

Help Protect Your Child from Cyberbullying What to tell your child: Always think about what you post. You never know what someone will forward. Do not share anything that could hurt or embarrass anyone. Keep your password a secret from other kids. Let your parents have your passwords. Think about who sees what you post online. Privacy settings let you control who sees what. Keep your parents in the loop. Tell them what you’re doing online and who you’re doing it with. Let them friend or follow you. Talk to an adult you trust about any messages you get or things you see online that make you sad or scared. If it is cyberbullying, report it.

Resources http://www.stopbullying.gov www.pacer.org www.stopbullyingnow.com The Bully Free Classroom by Allan L. Beane Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman Easing the Teasing: Helping Your Child Cope with Name-Calling, Ridicule, and Verbal Bullying by Judy Freedman The Parent's Book about Bullying: Changing the Course of Your Child's Life by William Voors