Marriage and Family Interaction HPER F258 Kathleen R. Gilbert, Ph.D.

 Positive relationship between marital satisfaction and couple’s ability to communicate  Not lack of communication, per se, but the quality of communication ◦ Problem if destructive (put-downs, negative messages) ◦ “Quality not quantity”

 In your small groups, discuss the following: ◦ What are your thoughts on these two statements:  “It is important to be completely honest in a relationship.”  “Sometimes, it’s better to ‘skirt the truth’ than to be completely honest.” ◦ Is there ever a time when it’s better to be dishonest in a relationship? ◦ How does the relationship recover when a dishonesty is discovered?

 Ideas, feelings shared with another person  Sent through both channels  Consistent vs. mixed messages ◦ Are channels consistent? ◦ Can become a power thing (“what do you mean I’m not clear. You’re always saying that!”)

 Person who constructs message and attempts to send it  Generally what we think of as someone communicating  May be intentional or unintentional  Arguing with spouse is intentional; children hearing argument may be unintentional

 Person who receives the message sent by the sender  Listener (but more active than that)  May be intentional or unintentional receiver  If unintentional, may be no way of clarifying what was meant

 In order to send message, must first organize thoughts/gestures/phrasing so that they can be understood by the receiver

 Receiver makes sense of message by decoding it into feelings, intentions, and thoughts that mean something to him or her  May be difficult because decoder (listener) filters message through own perceptions and must cope with the filters of the sender and the environment

 Two basic forms of information ◦ Cognitive Information  “thinking part” ◦ Affective Information  “feeling part”

 In your small groups discuss article #10, “ New Technologies” What are your thoughts on the use of the internet as a tool for finding dating and mating partners? What might be communication strengths and weaknesses of the internet for this purpose?

 Gender differences ◦ Males tend to focus on cognitive elements  “Report talk”  Focus is on problem solving and on end result  More likely to use communication for competition ◦ Females tend to focus on affective elements  “Rapport talk”  Focus is on the process rather than an outcome  More likely to use communication as a tool for communication or for advancing the relationship

 Generational/age differences ◦ Power differential is at issue ◦ Differences in ability to communicate  May speak different first language  Developmental ability to communicate  Normal for children—but remember that elderly may have had stroke or other communication problems  Content – what is communicated  Style – how it is communicated ◦ Different colloquial language (slang)  Used to create and maintain the separateness ◦ Secret language  Can be used to maintain a separation from others

 Verbal communication (digital) ◦ Think of a digital clock ◦ Spoken words ◦ Can break it into communication “bits”  Words, phrases ◦ What you would see in a transcript of a conversation ◦ What is communicated, not how it is communicated ◦ Only makes up 35% of message (at best)(Satir)

 Non-verbal communication (analogic) ◦ Think of an analogue (face) clock ◦ body language – the messages you communicate using your body ◦ Paralanguage – tone, phrasing ◦ We can only guess at some of this, much is implied and approximate ◦ It is impossible to not communicate  Even silence communicates a message ◦ Most affective communication is done through non-verbal means ◦ Because it is non-verbal, it is subject to misinterpretation ◦ How it is communicated, not what is communicated

 Placater -- pleases, apologizes, never disagrees, no matter what  Blamer – fault-finder, dictator, boss who acts superior to others  Computer - very correct, very reasonable, shows no semblance of feelings  Distracter - does or says irrelevant things to whatever anyone else is saying or doing

 Leveler - straight-forward communication, no games, verbal and non-verbal communication is in congruence

 Discuss the form of communication you saw as you were growing up. ◦ Thinking back to your childhood family, do you recognize any of the functional or dysfunctional communication patterns? ◦ Are there other ways of communicating that you recognize that are not included in Satir’s categories?

 Four horsemen don’t indicate the end of the relationship but are warnings

 Attacking someone’s personality or character rather than a specific behavior, usually with blame  Often starts with complaining (which can make marriages stronger) bad when it becomes overriding focus of communication or won’t let go of past transgressions (“gunnysacking”)

 Intention to insult and psychologically abuse partner, verbal and nonverbal messages are contemptuous.  Includes negative thoughts about partner.  Focal point of the relationship becomes abuse (insults and name calling, hostile humor, mockery, body language)

 Both feel victimized by other and neither willing to take responsibility for setting things right.  Both feel innocent, denying responsibility, making excuses, disagreeing with negative mind-reading, “cross-complaining,” repeating themselves

 Go from poor communication to shutting down  Conveys a message of disapproval, distance and smugness  Very upsetting for speaker (especially if stonewaller is a male)

 In order to compensate for their disproportionate effect, it is necessary to have a ratio of 5 good interaction elements to compensate for 1 negative one ◦ Includes verbal and nonverbal elements  E.g., positive expressions, conciliatory gestures, really listening ◦ If it lowers below 5 to 1, there are problems

 Hand in to your discussion leader: ◦ Identify one point that you found helpful in this lecture. ◦ Identify any point that was unclear.