Sexuality in marriage PART SET Dr MargiAnne Isaia, MD MPH PCC DrAnneenthusiasticLife 1

CONCEPTS -”Sexuality is a powerful window into who you are”. -”If you want to keep your sex alive, you have to grow up”. -“The process of becoming is doing what we aspire to be and becoming that person; it takes decision and action”. - “Self-validated intimacy is the key to intense sex and intimacy: we validate our own disclosures when our partner doesn’t”. -David Schnarch, PhD, 2009 „Passionate Marriage” -”Sexuality is a powerful window into who you are”. -”If you want to keep your sex alive, you have to grow up”. -“The process of becoming is doing what we aspire to be and becoming that person; it takes decision and action”. - “Self-validated intimacy is the key to intense sex and intimacy: we validate our own disclosures when our partner doesn’t”. -David Schnarch, PhD, 2009 „Passionate Marriage”

CONCEPTS -“Mistaken beliefs create unnecessary marital problems, but some marital difficulties aren’t ‘problems’ at all; they are part of the marriage”. -”Sexual desire problems are difficult to cure when treatment has nothing to do with eroticism, intimacy and passion”. -“Childhood wounds have their impact, but other aspects have impact on marriage at least as much if not more than childhood or unconscious processes”. -David Schnarch, PhD, 2009 „Passionate Marriage” -“Mistaken beliefs create unnecessary marital problems, but some marital difficulties aren’t ‘problems’ at all; they are part of the marriage”. -”Sexual desire problems are difficult to cure when treatment has nothing to do with eroticism, intimacy and passion”. -“Childhood wounds have their impact, but other aspects have impact on marriage at least as much if not more than childhood or unconscious processes”. -David Schnarch, PhD, 2009 „Passionate Marriage”

CONCEPTS -“Common marital problems require personal development rather than skills and techniques”. -”Marriage prepares you to live and love: facing relationships realities produces the personal integrity necessary for intimacy, passion and a lifelong loving marriage”. - “Integrating sexual and marital counseling is an approach where people are challenged to grow and find personal meaning in their sexual behavior”. -David Schnarch, PhD, 2009 „Passionate Marriage” -“Common marital problems require personal development rather than skills and techniques”. -”Marriage prepares you to live and love: facing relationships realities produces the personal integrity necessary for intimacy, passion and a lifelong loving marriage”. - “Integrating sexual and marital counseling is an approach where people are challenged to grow and find personal meaning in their sexual behavior”. -David Schnarch, PhD, 2009 „Passionate Marriage”

REACTIONS It is amazing to evaluate the personal development, values, attitudes and meanings through the sex practices. Indeed, sex is more than a behavior through which we find pleasure: it is a connection based on sincerity, honesty, admiration and respect, which brings joy and fulfillment to both partners. Dignity and elegance of sex practices contribute to a more enjoyable orgasm. This is what it could be understood by celebrating the creation with every sexual encounter: sex makes the partners increase their love and appreciation to their Creator and to each other. It is amazing to evaluate the personal development, values, attitudes and meanings through the sex practices. Indeed, sex is more than a behavior through which we find pleasure: it is a connection based on sincerity, honesty, admiration and respect, which brings joy and fulfillment to both partners. Dignity and elegance of sex practices contribute to a more enjoyable orgasm. This is what it could be understood by celebrating the creation with every sexual encounter: sex makes the partners increase their love and appreciation to their Creator and to each other.

REACTIONS Sex is a growing and enriching relationship. Growing up in a relationship welcomes creativity and spontaneity in the context of graciousness and health promotion. I question how people can really enjoy sex while practicing oral or anal sex. In my perspective this is against human sex anatomy and physiology. Sex is a growing and enriching relationship. Growing up in a relationship welcomes creativity and spontaneity in the context of graciousness and health promotion. I question how people can really enjoy sex while practicing oral or anal sex. In my perspective this is against human sex anatomy and physiology.

REACTIONS Growing up is more than becoming what you aspire to be; it is becoming what you were created to be. It shifts the focus from personal pleasure only to bringing pleasure to your partner and glorifying your Creator in the same time. This is essential for the most fulfilling sexual encounter. The process of becoming takes decision and action. Every partner has the responsibility for his/her part. Mutual attunement could be more efficient than many sexual devices or sex techniques. Growing up is more than becoming what you aspire to be; it is becoming what you were created to be. It shifts the focus from personal pleasure only to bringing pleasure to your partner and glorifying your Creator in the same time. This is essential for the most fulfilling sexual encounter. The process of becoming takes decision and action. Every partner has the responsibility for his/her part. Mutual attunement could be more efficient than many sexual devices or sex techniques.

REACTIONS Becoming “fantastic in bed” could be a reality when both partners work intelligently and diligently for their relationship. In my opinion being responsible in the relationship means not only to reach self-validated intimacy, but to reach maturity. The writer mentions that it takes a long time for a human being to mature sexually. This could make some young people to consider that they cannot have an enjoyable sex life. Definitely, I consider that not the long time in a relationship makes you become sexually mature. Instead, I would say that sexual maturity could be the expression of spiritual maturity which is translated by integrity. Becoming “fantastic in bed” could be a reality when both partners work intelligently and diligently for their relationship. In my opinion being responsible in the relationship means not only to reach self-validated intimacy, but to reach maturity. The writer mentions that it takes a long time for a human being to mature sexually. This could make some young people to consider that they cannot have an enjoyable sex life. Definitely, I consider that not the long time in a relationship makes you become sexually mature. Instead, I would say that sexual maturity could be the expression of spiritual maturity which is translated by integrity.

REACTIONS It is integrity what makes a person enjoy his/her relationship because he/she can face the reality with the desire of living his/her values. In the same time, he/she can change some values without compromising if a real concern for the partner requires it. As a person who understands the concept of self-differentiation, I am proposing the daily individual work for making the relationship successful. Sex Therapy integrated with Marital Therapy and a Spiritual Care might be more successful. It is integrity what makes a person enjoy his/her relationship because he/she can face the reality with the desire of living his/her values. In the same time, he/she can change some values without compromising if a real concern for the partner requires it. As a person who understands the concept of self-differentiation, I am proposing the daily individual work for making the relationship successful. Sex Therapy integrated with Marital Therapy and a Spiritual Care might be more successful.

IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE FOR SEX THERAPIST Meet the partners where they are. Help them express their feelings and validate them. Let them express their expectations. Encourage them to define the meanings and values for their sexual relationships. Emphasize openness and sincerity. Ask for permission to show other meanings of the relationships. Explore together other meanings (besides physical pleasure), and stay away from any vulgarities.

IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE FOR SEX THERAPIST Help them integrate new values if they decide. Introduce the concept of Self-validated Intimacy. Let them personally assess their level of self-validated intimacy: it makes them feel secure and relaxed in the session (as sex therapist you don’t necessary need to listen to some unpleasant things that make them feel ashamed, guilty or embarrassed). Ask for permission to provide information regarding research in the area of sexual drive, hormones and sexual fulfillment, when necessary.

IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE FOR SEX THERAPIST Do not nurse the clients: let them answer their questions because they have the accurate and complete information for their status. Convey hope for a better relationship and emphasize that both persons must strive for integrity. Resolve the past in the present, if childhood trauma. Make the partners aware of the importance of self-differentiation.

IMPLICATION FOR PRACTICE FAMILY LIFE EDUCATION SPECIALIST Make the clients think of marriage as a system with its own rules where sex and intimacy operate according to some core principles. Discuss how mistaken beliefs create unnecessary marital problems. Explain that some marital difficulties aren’t problems: they are part of the marriage. Explore the concept of self-differentiation and self-validated intimacy. Show the importance of personal development in developing intimacy and sexual fulfillment. Discuss the limits of sex therapy when intimacy issues are not addressed. Bring the concept of lifelong learning and spiritual maturity.

IMPLICAII PRACTICE CONSILIERUL COLAR Let the students understand that sex is not only about hormones and getting orgasm. Discuss the myths regarding sexual behavior. Show them that behavior needs to follow the internal connection. Make the student understand sex as a relationship with lifelong implications. Emphasize the importance of responsibility toward themselves and other and the blessing of waiting for the right time in the right context to have sex. Help them take care of their own feelings. Introduce the concept of self-differentiation and make special plans for students who decide to work in this respect.

CLASSICAL AUTHOR “Christ ordained that men and women should be united in holy wedlock, to rear families whose members, crowned with honor, should be recognized as members of the family above. EGW --MH 356 (1905). {1MCP 220.5}