Communication in Personal Relationships By Dondre, Shante and Gary

Understanding personal relationships  Personal relationship – a voluntary commitment between irreplaceable individuals who are influenced by rules, relationship dialects and surrounding contexts.  Close connections with others based on emotion

Features of Personal Relationships  Uniqueness: personal relationships vary and each one has it’s own commitment and expectations ( they have their own reasons)  A) Social relationships – one in which participants interact according to general social roles rather than unique identities.  Commitment: the decision to remain with a relationship  A) commitment grows out investment!

Features of Personal Communication  Relationship Rules – guides how partners communicate and interpret each other’s communication  Relationship dialects- normal tensions in all personal relationships (vibes)  Autonomy/connection – the desire to have space  Novelty/predictability- the desire to have family time and routines and novelty

Features of personal relationships  Openness/closedness- the desire to but open and disclosed  Neutralization- negotiates a balance between opposing dialectical forces  Separation – distance in a relationship  Segmentation- partners assign each pole to certain spheres, issues, activities, or times  Reframing- changing the meaning of something then thereby changing the mind

The Evolutionary Course of Personal Relationship  Since most changes in relationships don’t magically happen we owe changes within our relationships to the particular events that cause us to grow closer or farther from someone. These changes are referred to as turning points.  A turning point moves a relationship toward or away from intimacy.  A infidelity could be a turning point that can change a intimate relationship negatively. A proposal can be a turning point that can positively effect a intimate relationship.  If you told a friends secret that may effect your relationship negatively, but when your friend told you their secret it possibly made you closer.

Friendships Friendships sometimes form quickly but usually form through a series of fairly predictable stages. You meet potential friends in clubs, classes, at the store, through sports, or through the internet. When first speaking to someone who could become a friend most people stick to small talk and common topics, although some might prefer to have deeper conversations. Most people seek out those may have similarities with pertaining to age, background, interest, status, etc. Friendship allows the possibility for a deeper relationship. You may want to take the relationship you have with a female further or vice versa.

Romantic Relationships  Romantic relationships follow a evolutionary path similar to friendship. This path can broken up into three stages: escalating, navigating, and deteriorating.  Your choice in a romantic partner is influenced by the self you have setup in your mind. Whether or not you’re being honest with yourself or not will show in the aftermath of your choice. 7http:// 7  The first stage in a romantic interaction is showing interest. This be sparking conversation, or smiling to indicate you’re interested.  Proximity and similarity are the two greatest influences when it comes to initial attraction.  Proximity is important because we can only interact with those we meet whether in person or online.  Similarity is important because we are usually drawn to those who are similar to us as stated in the matching hypothesis.  The matching hypothesis predicts that people will seek relationships with others who closely match their own values, attitudes, social background, and physical attractiveness.  The center of a established intimate relationship is its relationship culture, which is the private world of rules understandings, meanings, and patterns of interacting that partners create. A couples relationship culture is not static, but will change as the relationship progresses.

Guidelines for Communicating in Personal Relationships  Adapt Communication to Manage Distance  Ensure Equity in Family Relationship  Avoid Intimate Partner Violence  Insist on Safer Sex

Adapt Communication to Manage Distance: The Bad  Geographic separation can be difficult for friends and romantic couples.  First problem: Not being able to share small talk and daily routines.  Second problem: Unrealistic expectations for time together.  Need for independence will be greater for long-distance relationships

Adapt Communication to Manage Distance: The Good  Problems such as these don’t tend to ruin relationships.  Couples still manage to maintain commitment despite geographical distances.  Developments in communication technology help increase the ways people can communicate.  Skype  Facebook  Texting

Ensure Equity in Family Relationships  Equity Theory- People are happier and more satisfied with equitable relationships than inequitable.  When we invest more resources and time than our partner is we tend to feel resentment.  When our partner invests more resources and time than us we tend to feel guilty.  Multiple dimensions: financial, emotional, physical, etc  One area that is particularly important is equity in housework and child care.  Women are more likely to the housework due to tradition.

Ensure Equity in Family Relationships pt 2  Lesbians tend to create more egalitarian relationships than either heterosexuals or gay men do.  Will communicate collaboratively to make decisions  However they are least likely to have feelings about inequity  When regarding gay couples, the man who makes more money tends to be more dominant.  The dominant partner will make decisions that affect the relationship and in avoiding housework.

Ensure Equity in Family Relationships pt 3  Women assume a greater portion of psychological responsibility.  Psychological responsibility- remembering, planning and coordinating domestic activities.  Both parents may alternate on who takes the kids to the doctor, but the mother is usually the one to remember and remind the father.  Both parents may sign birthday cards and buy gifts but it is usually the mother that remembers and reminds the father.  To have a successful relationship in this era we must require our partners to communicate collaboratively to design equitable divisions of responsibility.

Avoid Intimate Partner Violence  Intimate partner violence goes into socioeconomic status, race, and ethnicity.  Violence is high in marriages, dating relationships and cohabiting relationships.  Physical, verbal and emotional abuse destroy many relationships.  Men are more likely to inflict violence than women.  Men make up 15% of all victims in abusive relationships  Vast majority of men do not resort to violence. 

Avoid Intimate Partner Violence pt 2  Rising form of violence is stalking.  Stalking- repeated, intrusive behavior that is uninvited and unwanted, that seems obsessive, and that makes the target afraid or concerned for his or her safety.  13 to 21 percent of college students report being stalked. Same applies to general population.  About half of female victims are stalked by their ex. 25% by men they have dated at least once.  Stalking has become easier with the development of social media.  Easier for students on college campuses to be stalked because it is easier to learn their routines.

Avoid Intimate Partner Violence pt 3  Violence will rarely stop if there is no intervention.  Predictable Cycle  Tension  Explosion  Violence  Remorse  Communication and violence are related in two ways.  Communication between couples can start violence by the way they talk, such as taunting or annoying each other.  Communication can allow the abuser to describe the physical assault on victim.  Denial  Trivializing the harm done  Blaming the partner or the circumstance for “making me do it”  Violent relationships are not the fault or the victim.  It is an act of friendship to help the victim but it the choice is ultimately left up the them.

Insist on Safer Sex  HIV/AIDS pose serious and deadly threats on society today  617,000 people have died from AIDS in the United States.  More than 1,250,000 people are living with AIDS in the United States.  7000 people are infected with HIV.  Contracted through hookup, casual date or serious romantic partner.  Chlamydia infections have increased from cases to cases through years  Safer sex includes abstinence, restricting sexual activity to one partner has been tested negative for HIV and other STDs, and using latex condoms. 

Insist of Safer Sex pt2  Two primary reasons we do not practice safer sex.  Embarrassing, find it awkward  Alcohol or drugs diminish rational thought.  25% of people who are HIV positive are not aware they are infected.  Good communication skills help avoid unsafe sex.  “I feel unsafe having unsafe sex” than “Without a condom, you could give me an STD”.  It is important to care about yourself and your partners to be honest about your sexual past and practice safer sex.

Questions  How do you feel about relationships today and its significance? Has the meaning changed throughout the past decade?

PLEASE NOTE: Chapter summarized from information found in: Wood, Julia T. (2014). Communication Mosaics: An Introduction to the Field of Communication. 7 th Edition. Boston, MA: Wadsworth. These student lecture notes provide a brief summary of Wood’s discussion on verbal communication (chapter 4) while providing additional commentary and examples. The information in this slideshow is based on the work (content and organization) of Wood (2014).