CONFRONTATION & CONFLICT

Every relationship experiences conflict at some time Conflicts are inevitable in a close relationship like marriage. They are not a disaster. They can be an opportunity for growth in the relationship * We have some suggestions for avoiding conflict, and for dealing with conflict.

How we handle it will differ from person to person: becoming silent, slinking away, losing your temper, even throwing things!

Some couples say they never argue. But that doesn’t mean they never experience conflict.

Peace comes AT A PRICE. The price in some cases is the death of the relationship They perhaps bury their differences, or seek peace at any price. These ARE ways of avoiding conflict – but they damage the relationships, especially intimacy, in the long run.

There is nothing wrong with conflict: it is to be expected. CONFLICTS arise because of differences in outlook, expectations, issues, etc. Issues need to be CONFRONTED

A good row is a way of recognizing our differences and clearing the air. But it can be destructive. It all depends on the way you argue

* Hurts are inevitable. It is not necessarily the gravity of the issue. Even trivial incidents can cause deep hurt in the love relationship of marriage because of the depth of feelings and the sense of hurt, let down or betrayal

Buried hurts fester away. Because they are not shared, your partner may be unaware of them and repeat the offending behaviour. Something that starts small can then assume huge proportions.

Lesser hurts may be overlooked, but if repeated they can lead a person to question the love and commitment of their partner to the relationship. As a result they may question making a life- long commitment to this person

If you are made aware of your behaviour, or attitudes, or aspects of your person, which continually create distance you should be willing to discuss them (e.g. lack of sensitivity within your sexual relationship, hygiene, attitudes towards money, etc)

Willingness to change out of love for their partner, is an indicator of how committed each person is to creating the best kind of relationship So hurts are best faced up to and confronted, not buried away.

In religious terms, we are all ‘sinners’ – which means we all ‘miss the mark’ at times Nagging and constant criticism destroy relationships. You haven’t married the perfect woman and you are not the perfect man.

* YOU CAN’T CHANGE ANYONE – EXCEPT YOURSELF! However, if your partner sees you changing and sees it is good for your relationship they are more likely to change

Every disagreement faced up to, and sorted out, is a growing point that enables you to move on

* CONFLICT is not a disaster: it’s a challenge to grow; a growth point in a relationship

Doctors can’t help until you tell them the symptoms. Don’t expect your partner to read your mind or how you feel until you tell them. By uncovering your feelings about how things are in your marriage, family or friendships you give permission to the other person to uncover theirs.

*HOW CAN YOU HEAL THESE HURTS? By FORGIVENESS – A process that requires action by both persons.

Recognise the hurt you have caused, even unintentionally, and take responsibility for it. Don’t let pride (unwillingness to say ‘please forgive me’); anger, resentment, winning the argument, proving you were right and other negative attitudes get in the way of reconciliation.

Sometimes people prefer to win the argument to staying in relationship. Sometimes the issue is trivial - but it may concern values, principles or things that a person considers to be part of their identity as a person (e.g. religious belief or matters of justice)

Ask your partner to forgive you. You have no automatic right to forgiveness. It is not always possible to ‘forgive and forget’, especially if the hurt was deep. It takes time – but forgiveness is possible, and necessary, or it will continue to damage the relationship.

We need to ask God to help us heal the memory

*REASONS WHY WE FIND IT HARD TO FORGIVE: Perhaps we harbour bitterness There could be a history of previous hurt… …it may be fear of being vulnerable… Revealing your hurts may give your partner ‘clues’ where they can hurt you, or put pressure on you, etc

There may be jealousy or a fear of being taken over. A marriage without forgiveness will fail. To forgive is A DECISION TO LOVE – rising above feelings of hurt etc and reaching out to the other person in love

*A useful tip: It is never enough to say “I’m sorry.” You need to say “I’m sorry. Please forgive me”. This transfers the control to the other person, the one who has been hurt. You have to wait for them to forgive you.

*What facilitates reconciliation is to say: “I’m sorry, please forgive me for my part in this.” There is always something of ‘me’ that has contributed to the present situation, so it is not insincere to say this. What is more, this avoids blaming and criticism.

Avoid turning a conflict into a battleground

You are not enemies! You are lovers trying to resolve issues that surface in your relationship.

These are due to all the ‘baggage’ each of you brings into your relationship because of your different family, personal, and relationship history.

CREATIVE CONFLICT Conflict can be a growth point in a relationship Here are some suggestions for resolving conflict:

Are you trying to win the argument, or prove you were/are right? Issues are often trivial. But sometimes they are important, because of one or both person’s values, culture or religious upbringing. If trivial stop now and make up!

The feelings you are experiencing have not been caused by your partner. They may have triggered something in you. They are YOUR feelings. NOW what’s she done!! male error

What you see, hear, smell, taste and touch ‘triggers’ both positive and negative thoughts and feelings in you because of your baggage.

The feelings arise spontaneously. You have no control over their coming. But you are responsible for what you do with them.

If negative feelings eg anger, resentment, jealousy, fear, sadness persist you have the responsibility to share them with your partner, without blaming them or criticizing them.

Conflict can be creative. It can add to your self- awareness, and deepen your relationship - if you DIALOGUE with your partner.

We are now going to give you an opportunity to use this dialogue process

THE DIALOGUE PROCESS Write down your thoughts and feelings about the topic or issue that you think is creating distance between you, especially the feelings.

When writing use ‘I’ messages: I think… I did… I judge… It’s about YOU. Don’t blame or criticize. Write down your thoughts and feelings

Read what your partner has written, without comment. Then feed back to them (tell them) what things you judge you are both agreed on. Decide TOGETHER: what is the real area of disagreement?

To what extent do you think your own feelings, behaviour and attitudes with regard to this issue might be due to your ‘parent tapes’ and/or your expectations, religious upbringing, values?

‘Parent Tapes’ - your parents’ ideas, behaviour and attitudes still ‘playing’ in your mind and imagination.

Are your ‘parent tapes’ having a negative effect on your relationship? Acknowledging this does not mean you are blaming your parents. Are you making adult choices for your life and relationship?

Can you think of any personal experience that might have triggered the feelings and attitudes you have with regard to this issue?

Any experience from your childhood, involving your parents, other family members, or other people? Past relationships? Do you think you should share them with your partner? Do you trust them enough? Your religious upbringing or values?

What changes could YOU make to your own attitudes or behaviour that might help resolve the conflict? Discuss your answers to this question together.

In resolving conflict, compromise may be necessary. Decide when you are going to review the decision(s) you have made

You will find this process in the ‘going away’ present we will give you at the end of the day.

*Here are some words on this from St Paul’s letter to the Christians at Colossus (Chapter 3 verses 12-15) “You are God’s chosen race, his saints; he loves you, and you should be clothed in sincere compassion, in kindness and humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with one another; forgive each other as soon as a quarrel begins.”

“The Lord has forgiven you; now you must do the same. Over all these clothes, to keep them together and complete them put on love. And may the peace of Christ reign in your hearts, because it is for this that you were called together as parts of one body.”

For Catholics: The Sacrament of Reconciliation (Confession) provides an opportunity to experience God’s forgiveness for hurt caused.