Marriage Series “Cultivating Healthy Marriage” Dave Chae February 8, 2015

Ephesians 5: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,

27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church … 30 for we are members of his body.

31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” 32 This is a profound mystery— but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Ephesians 5: Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord’s will is. 18 Do not get drunk on wine, which leads to debauchery. Instead, be filled with the Spirit, 19 speaking to one another with psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit.

Definition of Biblical Marriage A permanent, exclusive covenant between two people of the opposite sex journeying together toward a common horizon.

Common Horizon To help the other person find their glory self, the best version of themselves. Spiritual Maturity Christ likeness

Friendship Deep oneness as two people journey together toward this common horizon.

Power of Marriage The Power of Marriage is when husbands and wives are filled with the Spirit producing an unselfishness that can take criticism without being crushed and give criticism without being crushing.

Principle #1 Leave & Cleave The Husband/Wife relationship takes priority over Parent/Child relationships and ALL other relationships.

Principle #2 Love & Respect A husband must love his wife and the wife must respect her husband.

Today’s Message How do can we cultivate a healthy marriage?

Business Transaction Race Maintain Garden

“A great marriage primarily comes down to how people behave during the few minutes a day or week when they disagree." John Gottman

“If a couple’s disagreements include significant amounts of four behaviors (blaming, escalation, invalidation, or withdrawal), then their future is bleak.”

“If on the other hand, they learn to take time out and communicate respectfully during these few minutes, then their entire future will be far brighter.”

I have known a thousand scamps (mischievous people); but I never met one who considered himself so. Self- knowledge isn’t so common. —OUIDA Marie Louise Rame

We can cultivate a healthy marriage by learning how to have healthy crucial conversations

Dual Processor (content & conditions)

Conditions 1.Spotting crucial conversations 2.Signs of unsafety (silence & violence) 3.Your own style under stress

Spotting Crucial Conversations Physical – dry mouth Emotions – scared, hurt, & angry Behavioral – raised voice, finger pointing, silence

Spotting Safety Problems Silence – Withholding input Masking - Understating, sarcasm, sugarcoating. Avoiding – Steer away from issue Withdrawing – Pulling out of convo

Spotting Safety Problems Violence – Verbal strategy to force meaning into the pool; to convince, control or compel others to your point of view in an excessive way.

Spotting Safety Problems Violence Controlling Cutting others off, overstating facts, speaking in absolutes, changing subjects, or using directive questions to control the conversation

Spotting Safety Problems Violence Labeling Labeling people or ideas so that we can dismiss them under a general stereotype or category

Spotting Safety Problems Violence Attacking Moving from winning the argument to making the person suffer. Belittling and threatening

Your Style Under Stress Become a Vigilant Self-Monitor How do you impact the safety of the room? What do you do when situations turn unsafe – stop returning calls, s, change subject, jokes, sarcasm, snide remarks, insincere compliments,

Cut people off, go on the attack, get silent, ignore people who make me feel unsafe, Can’t think straight Quick to apologize Focus on what I did wrong

Summary Healthy marriages require Healthy crucial conversations 1.Dual processor – content and conditions 2.Spotting a crucial conversation 3.Spotting safety problems 4.Be aware of your Style Under Stress

Next Week 2/15 How do we turn an unsafe conversation into a safe one that moves us toward our common horizon – to be like Jesus.