LESSON 4 DEALING WITH ABANDONMENT AND SEPARATION ANXIETY Under Construction

SEPARATION ANXIETY A TYPICAL SITUATION OF ORIGIN FOR SEPARATION ANXIETY AND FEAR OF BEING ALONE With variations in degree, all humans have some type of early experience with loss, separation, or physical or psychological abandonment that remains embedded in their unconscious. This is one of the two major sources of the life long need for belonging and secure relationships. The other source is a close, warm, secure bond with one or more humans in the earliest years of development. The former is a source of degrees of agony and either compulsive extraversion and possessiveness or a fear of closeness. The latter is either a source of emotional dependence on the original bonds or a capacity for security, emotional independence, and intimacy. Sometimes, both tendencies can exist in the same person as an intense ambivalence. The following graphics illustrate a typical situation of origin for separation anxiety and its emotional consequences.

SECURITY, HAPPINESS, PLEASURE GOING SHOPPING WITH MOM Oh boy! This is going to be fun!

INITIAL EXPERIENCE OF BEING SEPARATED FROM MOM IN A STRANGE PLACE Mommy, where are you? I can’t find you!

Mommy, Mommy! Where are you? Come find me, please! I’m lost. I'm going to be lost forever. The monsters will kill me and eat me! ABYSS LOST FOREVER DEATH ABSOLUTE TERROR Let me out here. I’m scared. The monsters are going to get me and kill me. But I have no where to go. If I run away I’ll just fall into the abyss and be lost forever. Materialization of the fear generated by being lost later translated into nightmares and a generalized separation anxiety and sense of danger. The Origin of Separation Anxiety and the Perpetual Sense Lost-ness and Terror of Being Alone

The Childhood, Haunting Fear of Separation and Aloneness Is Embedded in the Mind Like a Life Sentence A teenager or adult at night, in bed, alone, in a dark room! The terror starts to come back. The terror is materialized as horrifying monsters coming out from under the bed. The person becomes the terrified little child, separated from its Mommy. Terror strikes and the person wants to shriek and scream for Mommy. But they can’t. They have to endure the terror or find some way, no matter what, to get rid of it. Addictions often become the way to get rid of it.

The Addicts emptiness, loneliness, anxiety and pain are ever present, just masked by addictive behavior or other unusually extreme distractions Ahh! I’m going nuts. I feel like my head is being crushed from the inside out. I’ve got to get out of here! I’m about to explode! Loneliness CORE PAIN EMPTINESS ANXIETY SEPARATION ANXIETY IS A MAJOR CAUSE OF THE ADDICT’S INNER PAIN

Loneliness CORE PAIN EMPTINE S S ANXIETY My god! I’m going crazy. I feel horrible. Let me out of this body. The addict runs away as fast as possible to get to the most familiar and/or available addiction to take the pain away. Defense against awareness of Core Impulsive, frenetic substance seeking behavior races undetected past repression and rational defenses before they can be invoked, leaving the person feeling impelled like on an autopilot that has gone out of control. Let me get out of here! This is an explosion of misery and horror. Give me any thing that can put these demons to rest!!! ABYSS LOST FOREVER DEATH ABSOLUTE TERROR

OVERCOMING SEPARATION ANXIETY AND FEAR OF BEING ALONE The treatment for all symptoms resulting from separation anxiety and fear of being alone requires, first, developing a bond with a therapist and eventually one and then more others who are stable and very unlikely to abandon. Second, having the therapeutic conditions that allow the person to face the situation or situations of origin, relive it, understand it and accept its impact on one’s life and view of the world and then begin to recreate a view of the world and life that is more realistic and strategies that make it possible to cope with inevitable losses on life’s journey. Third, learning to stop and look inward at the feelings of anxiety, fear, agony, despair and rage as they are and as stemming from the situations of origin and stay with this inward look until one is able to replace it with feelings of calmness that follow from the new realization that one is really safe and secure and loved even when alone and even when abandoned by someone once again in the present. These three factors, a therapeutic bond, facing the situations of origin, and perceiving and replacing the childhood terror and agony with adult realism and serenity. This is a large undertaking but makes all the difference in quality of life and perhaps between life and death.