WHEN THINGS DON’T GO AS PLANNED

Types of Loss Medical emergency, interventions Emotional trauma to mother/parents Unknown illness in baby, NICU care Infant death (stillborn, neonatal death) Maternal death

The Doula’s Role

An Exquisite Witness Offer yourself Be respectful Become comfortable with silence Be a skilled listener Normalize practically everything Avoid judgment Help them become “active” grievers Be sensitive to cultural, ethnic, and family traditions Be aware of your “stuff” Respond to signs of compassion fatigue

Immediate Needs Long Term Needs Communication with others Physical comfort Information for decision-making Creating memories of baby Saving mementos Photos Religious practices At-home support Coordinating help Frequent check-ins Lots of listening Mental Health resources Support groups

The Gift of Time

Help the Family Grieve ENCOURAGE THEM TO: see and touch their baby make and save mementos from their baby’s birth announce the birth of their baby share their story – write it, speak it create a grieving ‘ritual’ Create a safe space for them to share their feelings

What to Expect Postpartum Physical – after pains, lochia, engorgement, normal recovery from pregnancy and birth Emotional – postpartum hormones, various stages of grief, higher risk for depression Relationship issues – guilt, blame, caring for other children, can’t care for each other

What Not to Do Don’t make false promises Don’t tell them what they are going to feel Don’t tell them their baby is in a better place Don’t tell them it is God’s will Don’t tell them it will get better Don’t tell them they can have another baby Don’t pretend it didn’t happen Don’t expect everyone’s grief to look the same

Self Care for the Doula

Resources Char Barrett Gigi Wickwire Penny Simkin asacredmoment .com mwickwire37@frontier .com Penny Simkin pennysimkin.com

Appendix

The Doula’s Role Meet them where they are at Assess their needs Assist them in getting information Provide emotional and physical support Is it OK for the doula to cry?

Self-Care for the Doula Debrief with a doula sister or mentor Contact grief support groups You may need to use a backup doula for an imminent birth Rest, body work, journaling, counseling

Acknowledge their Loss Perhaps: The loss of the physical baby The loss of hopes and dreams The loss of a joyful experience Do not ignore or diminish their experience of loss Do not forget that they are now/still parents