“I get to be her playmate” Childfree People’s Relationships with Children Presented at the 2012 Meetings of the Eastern Sociological Society Amy Blackstone University of Maine

Project Questions **How is the decision to remain childfree reached and what social responses do these individuals and couples receive about their childfree status?** **How is the decision to remain childfree reached and what social responses do these individuals and couples receive about their childfree status?** How do childfree people perceive family? How do childfree people perceive family? What role does gender play in these processes? What role does gender play in these processes?

Background Childfree: those who have made the explicit and intentional choice not to bear or rear children Childfree: those who have made the explicit and intentional choice not to bear or rear children Theoretical frame: Heteronormative families (Oswald, Blume and Marks 2005) Theoretical frame: Heteronormative families (Oswald, Blume and Marks 2005) “Doing” rather than “having” family “Doing” rather than “having” family 3 binaries: 3 binaries: Gender (man/woman) Gender (man/woman) Sexuality (heterosexual/bisexual) Sexuality (heterosexual/bisexual) Family (biological/chosen) Family (biological/chosen)

Data & Method Data Data 5 heterosexual, married couples (5 men, 5 women) 5 heterosexual, married couples (5 men, 5 women) 21 additional participants (5 men, 16 women) 21 additional participants (5 men, 16 women) Convenience sample Convenience sample Method Method Intensive interviews with couples, minutes Intensive interviews with couples, minutes Focus groups of 2-5 people each, minutes Focus groups of 2-5 people each, minutes Individual interviews, minutes Individual interviews, minutes Analysis Analysis Inductive approach Inductive approach Recorded & transcribed interviews & focus groups Recorded & transcribed interviews & focus groups 2 coders; coding independently, then collaboratively 2 coders; coding independently, then collaboratively

Sample Couples Interviews NAMESAGEPROFESSION Kim; Jack40, 40Teacher; Teacher Jan; Fred43; 42Professor; Professor Mandy; Tim34; 32Engineer; Substitute teacher & Surveyor Robin; JoelLate 30s; Late 30sTechnology; Technology Emily; BruceMid 30s; Mid 30sTechnology; Technology Focus Groups & Individual Interviews NAMEAGEGENDERRELATIONSHIP STATUSPROFESSION JulieMid 40sWomanLive w/ boyfriendSocial services April35WomanMarried to husbandCampus staff Janet31WomanSingle/dating menReal estate agent Becky35WomanPartnered w/ boyfriend Pediatrician Tanya41WomanDivorced from husband/singleTeacher Barb33WomanSingleAnimal rights org Kate37WomanPartnered with girlfriendStudent Jessica25WomanPartnered with girlfriendAnimal rights org SarahMid 30sWomanPartnered with boyfriendPsychiatrist Brittany50WomanMarriedLegal secretary Annie37WomanPartneredChild therapist Nicole35WomanPartneredMedicare billing Allison34WomanPartneredGrant writer BobMid 30sManPartnered with girlfriendProfessor Cory31ManSingle/partneredEngineer Jim32ManSingle/partneredEngineer Jill33WomanSingle/partneredSocial services Bill37ManMarriedTechnology Tony39ManSingleProfessor Mary27WomanSingleStudent Char22WomanSingleStudent

Findings: Three Themes Kids Are People, Too Kids Are People, Too Professional Connections Professional Connections Unique Relationships Because Childfree Unique Relationships Because Childfree

Kids Are People, Too Kids as autonomous beings; some are likeable, some are not Kids as autonomous beings; some are likeable, some are not Kim: “I am a believer in discipline and not all kids are equally charming to be around. It’s not that I don’t like kids, I just don’t want to necessarily be around some of them all the time.” Kim: “I am a believer in discipline and not all kids are equally charming to be around. It’s not that I don’t like kids, I just don’t want to necessarily be around some of them all the time.” Bob: “When I go over to people’s houses who have kids, I like playing with the kids. I enjoy it. In fact, it’s often easier to hang out with some people’s kids than with the parents.” Bob: “When I go over to people’s houses who have kids, I like playing with the kids. I enjoy it. In fact, it’s often easier to hang out with some people’s kids than with the parents.”

Professional Connections Relationships with kids as teachers, therapists, social workers, nannies, and doctors Relationships with kids as teachers, therapists, social workers, nannies, and doctors Char: “I’m an education major so I have kids that I work with for that. … I can imagine spending seven hours a day with young children, that’s fun. But I definitely couldn’t imagine spending 24 hours a day with them.” Char: “I’m an education major so I have kids that I work with for that. … I can imagine spending seven hours a day with young children, that’s fun. But I definitely couldn’t imagine spending 24 hours a day with them.” Tanya: “I found that when I was a nanny I became quite attached to those children. I really was. I found I could really feel those feelings.” Tanya: “I found that when I was a nanny I became quite attached to those children. I really was. I found I could really feel those feelings.” Kate: “I’ve been able to relate to kids in a certain way and that’s one of the reasons I’ve always wanted to be an educator or a teacher. I feel like I do have the ability to be really patient and I want to make sure that children do have access to advocacy and to adults who aren’t parents.” Kate: “I’ve been able to relate to kids in a certain way and that’s one of the reasons I’ve always wanted to be an educator or a teacher. I feel like I do have the ability to be really patient and I want to make sure that children do have access to advocacy and to adults who aren’t parents.”

Unique Relationships Because Childfree Friendships with children Friendships with children Kim: “I get to be her playmate.” Kim: “I get to be her playmate.” Jack: “The kids can see us as a bigger, older friend.” Jack: “The kids can see us as a bigger, older friend.” Legal, spiritual, & guardian responsibilities for kids Legal, spiritual, & guardian responsibilities for kids Tanya: “He lived with us for five or six months because we wanted, in a weird way, to help care for an older child. We wanted to provide someone who had so much potential with the opportunity to see a different way of living. ” Tanya: “He lived with us for five or six months because we wanted, in a weird way, to help care for an older child. We wanted to provide someone who had so much potential with the opportunity to see a different way of living. ”

Summing Up, Next Steps Summing up Summing up It’s less about children than it is about parents It’s less about children than it is about parents Many childfree people like children Many childfree people like children It takes a village It takes a village Other patterns Other patterns Most come from happy family backgrounds Most come from happy family backgrounds Simultaneously resist and reify gender Simultaneously resist and reify gender Next Steps Next Steps Continue data collection and analysis Continue data collection and analysis Future Friendly Families: a book project on the history, ethics, and cultural impact of childfree families Future Friendly Families: a book project on the history, ethics, and cultural impact of childfree families