INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS (Theories of Attraction & Mate Selection) Unit 3

Courtship In societies that permit free-choice mate selection, courtship allows individuals to win the affection of those to whom they are attracted In courtship rituals in all societies, men display their resources to show they have the potential to be good providers and women display the qualities that make them sexually desirable and nurturing

Courtship In Canada, courtship is a term from the past that no longer applies to relationships in the 21st century Courtship rituals in North America have evolved over the last two centuries and have varied according to social class

Courtship In early Canada, young, middle-class women might invite men to call on them when they were “at home” A young man would leave his calling card if the young woman was not seeing visitors, in the hope that he would be invited back Families would make discreet inquiries about the social and economic suitability of the callers REFER TO WEBSITE http://www.trailend.org/wed-courtship.htm

Courtship A young woman, with her mother as chaperone, might receive several visitors who would understand that they were expected to compete for her affection Later, as a sign that she had made her choice, the young woman might be left alone with one man

Courtship The young couple would be tucked into bed with a “bundling board” between them so that they could have private conversations without sexual contact However, it was reported that during the 1700s, about one third of brides were pregnant on their wedding day

20th Century Courtship In Canada, during the 20th century, courtship evolved into the informal social invention of dating Early in the century, young people met at church or community events and went out together to socials in groups By the 1920s, men began to take the initiative by asking women out and by organizing and paying for the activity

20th Century Courtship Since women could accept or reject the invitations, the choice of activity and the amount of money spent indicated to them the social and economic resources the men had to offer In the 1930s, “going steady” meant a couple had an exclusive relationship but were not necessarily discussing marriage

20th Century Courtship As a result of the consumer society and the growing affluence of young people in the 1950s and 1960s, couples were able to spend money on entertaining recreational activities and dating became an opportunity to spend time together for pleasure and romance Teenagers began dating earlier and it became a common recreation during later adolescences

20th Century Courtship By the 1950s the Western ideal was that dating would lead to falling love and becoming a couple There was less awareness that it was a process of choosing a suitable marriage partner

21st Century Courtship Many young couples no longer date in the formalized way of their parents’ generation The use of expressions such as “hooking up” or “seeing someone” to describe a relationship suggests a more casual approach to forming a couple relationship Some couples consider cohabitation to be part of the mate-selection process, while others feel that cohabitation is an alternative to marriage

21st Century Courtship There appears to have been a shift from competing to win someone’s affection to being selective about what the other has to offer for the type of relationship desired Many individuals who are ready to marry find that their field of eligible partners that have not already been rejected may be quite limited

21st Century Courtship It is becoming more common for individuals to initiate some kind of arrangement and enlist the help of others to find potential partners for them Ex. Matchmakers & online dating

21st Century Courtship

21st Century Courtship

21st Century Courtship

Speed Dating Write down 10 questions you would ask someone on the first date. You will have about 5 minutes for each “date” When the lights dim, rate how compatible you think you are with your date. 1=not compatible, 10=very compatible Move onto your next “date”

Mate Selection & Marital Success The preference for free-choice marriage in North America suggests that dating experience leads to greater marital success Bernard Murstein’s Market Experience Perspective suggested that dating was effective because it enabled individuals to learn to relate to another person and to judge character so that they would be able to determine personal qualities they desired in a marriage partner

Contemporary Marriages Sociologists estimate that only 10% of today’s marriages in the world are truly monogamous Polygyny and polyandry are more desirable by many people in the world but few people today can afford these marriages Serial monogamy (marriage to several spouses one after the other) is a result of divorce

Contemporary Marriages With immigration comes new ideas of marriage that disrupts the norms of Canadian marriage Increase in cohabitation and divorce rates suggests concern about whether marriages are meeting individuals’ needs However, newlyweds in most societies expect their own marriage will be for life regardless of the divorce rate

Evolutionary Psychology & Attraction Evolutionary psychology is a branch of anthropology Explains that the origins of sexual attraction today can be traced back to our prehistoric ancestors Sexual attraction is an unconscious choice, individuals seldom consciously control whom they find attractive

Evolutionary Psychology & Attraction Adaptive behaviours: strategies that enabled individuals to compete successfully for limited resources, to survive, to reproduce and to raise children Adaptive behaviours gave individuals an evolutionary advantage The theory of natural selection explains that individuals with an evolutionary advantage passed on their genes and their culture to the next generation

Evolutionary Psychology & Attraction David Buss (American anthropologist and evolutionary psychologist) “those who fail to mate, fail to become ancestors” Humans today have inherited the unconscious mating strategies that made our ancestors successful

Evolutionary Psychology & Attraction Anthropological evidence showed that attraction preferences in the past ensured that children were born and survived to adulthood to produce Helen Fisher identified adaptive behaviours for sexual attraction

Evolutionary Psychology & Attraction Women preferred to mate with men who had the resources to be good providers for themselves and their children because women were unable to both care for infants and gather enough food Men preferred to mate with women who could bear healthy babies who could feed their children and who had the intelligence and temperament to raise them well (Helen Fisher)

Evolutionary Psychology & Attraction Prehistoric men formed lasting relationships because women could refuse sex until they got what they wanted or needed in evolutionary terms Children raised without a father were poorer and could not compete well in prehistoric society because they had less food and did not learn the necessary skill (Helen Fisher)

Evolutionary Psychology & Attraction David Buss concluded that not much has changed about sexual attraction today Individuals are still attracted to the person with whom they can raise the most successful children with Men are attracted to physically appealing, younger and healthy women; women who appear to be fertile

Evolutionary Psychology & Attraction Buss determined that in all societies women seek to “marry up” Women are attracted to good providers Women are twice as likely as men to be attracted to an older mate with financial resources, even when they have substantial financial resources of their own

Evolutionary Psychology & Attraction Women are attracted to men who are healthy, intelligent, well-educated, hard-working and ambitious because these qualities enable men to be successful providers for their families in the long term In all cultures men and women wanted mates who were intelligent, kind, understanding, dependable and healthy Both seek the qualities that enable them to form satisfying and enduring relationships

Social Homogamy Explains how individuals are attracted to people from similar social and cultural backgrounds so that they share social, cultural and economic values and lifestyle expectations Highest correlations found in age, race, ethnic background, religion, socio-economic status and political views

Social Homogamy Education is a major factor in social homogamy Canadians are likely to marry someone with the same level of educational attainment Social homogamy helps to ensure that couples are compatible

Social Homogamy Similarity of backgrounds makes it more likely that couples will share common expectations for their relationship and their lifestyle, will manage their shared resources more efficiently and with less conflict, and will be able to raise children more easily Couples who have similar backgrounds are more likely to raise their children according to their cultural expectations

Social Homogamy Two people who have similar beliefs about the roles of husband and wife and who share similar expectations for their family life will enjoy each other’s company and will be more likely to fall in love Since most parents wish their children to have happy and lasting marriages and to pass on their cultural heritage to their children, social homogamy is also the basis of mate selection in societies that practice arranged marriages

Ideal Mate Theory Explains attraction from a symbolic interactionist perspective Attraction is based on an individual’s unconscious image of the ideal mate formed from their own perceptions of the meaning of certain characteristics

Ideal Mate Theory Supports the concept of love at first sight Everyone has an unconscious ideal with which they compare a person to find him or her attractive or to make the immediate judgment of the person as lovable

Ideal Mate Theory Supports social homogamy Perceptions of an ideal mate are formed from pleasant experiences with other individuals in childhood, usually from a person’s family or from people within the community who are similar to oneself Individuals also react to negative experiences by identifying unattractive characteristics that they perceive will be unacceptable, the “deal breakers” for a successful marriage

Attraction as Fair Exchange Individual preferences determine who is attractive as a potential mate, but finding someone appealing does not guarantee that the feeling is mutual Individuals must compete with others to win the hand of the man or woman of their dreams

Attraction as Fair Exchange Social Exchange Theory suggests that attraction is based more on reality than fantasy Almost everyone, regardless of how attractive they might be, finds a mate in their society because individuals are attracted to different people so they don’t all search for the same ideal mate People assess the resources they have to offer and look for the best possible mate who will be attracted by these resources

Developmental Theories Individuals are not able to relate to someone else without understanding first who they are and what their roles in life are Individuals are not capable of a fully intimate relationship until the identity crisis of the transition to adulthood is resolved Committing to intimate relationships earlier would result in defining identity through the relationship

Developmental Theories Levinson and Erikson suggest women are more likely to define themselves through their connections with others and may develop a committed relationship as part of forming their identity Men prefer to retain more independence in their relationships and therefore might delay forming committed relationships until their life structures are established

Older Men & Younger Women Men marry younger women worldwide The average age difference for Canadian men and women is 2 years (one of the lowest in the world) The age difference can be explained by evolutionary psychology Older men who have proven resources are considered more desirable by women in all societies Younger women are considered more sexually desirable by men

Older Men & Younger Women Social Exchange Theory suggests that younger, more attractive women have greater resources to offer older, successful men Conflict and Feminist Theories suggest that a match between an older man and a younger woman ensures that the man has greater resources and that the younger woman will need his resources to acquire an improved lifestyle, the age difference is necessary for men to maintain a dominant status in a patriarchal marriage

Older Women & Younger Men Since women now have increased financial potential and extended fertility, they might prefer to marry younger partners

Mate Selection & Marital Success Bernard Murstein explained the relationships among dating, social homogamy and social exchange as a multistep process He used the analogy of sifting to suggest that individuals pass their dates through a series of “filters” to screen out unacceptable marriage partners and to select those who are similar to themselves

Mate Selection & Marital Success As the relationship becomes more serious and the individuals get to know each other, the filters become finer until only one person passes through it for readiness to marry

Murstein’s Filter Theory Field of Eligibles Propinquity Filter Attraction Filter Homogamy Filter Compatiblity Filter Trial Filter Decision Filter Marriage

Mate Selection & Marital Success Martin King Whyte tested the hypothesis that dating experiences lead to successful marriages by conducting extensive interviews about dating with couples in Detroit The results of his study found no correlation between dating experience, length of dating, engagement, degree of premarital sexual activity and marital success

Mate Selection & Marital Success Whyte argues against Murstein’s Market Experience Perspective by explaining that mate selection is not like buying a car, since you cannot “test drive” various partners at the same time If you decide on one you tried before, they might have moved on to someone else and not be available

Mate Selection & Marital Success In free-choice mate selection as it is practiced through dating, you have to decide “yes” or “no” to one person at a time The fact that marriages are slightly less successful with more dating experience could also suggest that it increases an individual’s expectations and makes it more difficult for the person to make a choice or to feel satisfied in a relationship

Mate Selection & Marital Success Dating is not an indicator of marital success, but love is The 2nd conclusion of Whyte’s Detroit study is that being in love when you marry is the best indicator of marital success

What is Love? Robert Sternberg, an American psychologist, interviewed hundreds of men and women who said they were in love and analyzed their responses to determine the qualities of romantic love and to distinguish between romantic love and friendship Sternberg determined that romantic love has 3 “faces”: passion, intimacy and commitment

Robert Sternberg Passion, a strong feeling of sexual desire for another, develops the most quickly of the three. This probably results from a biological drive to reproduce. Ex. Romeo and Juliet The intense friendship of intimacy develops more slowly, as each individual shares his or her experiences, thoughts, and feeling with another and becomes willing to meet the other’s psychological needs

Robert Sternberg Commitment to maintaining the relationship grows as the rewards of being in this relationship instead of in others become evident and individuals accept reciprocal roles and mutual interdependence Sternberg chose to represent love as a triangle so that relationships with various proportions of passion, intimacy and commitment could be depicted by varying the length of the sides

Sternberg’s Love Triangle COMMITMENT INTIMACY PASSION

Sternberg’s Love Triangle Love relationships based on intimacy require the individuals to fully appreciate each other’s uniqueness and separateness A companionate relationship requires an understanding of what one has to offer another and what one needs from another in return

Stages of Marriage Although early marriages usually live up to people’s expectations at first, many couples become disappointed because marriage gets more difficult during the first 5 years There are 3 predictable stages of a marriage

Stages of Marriage Relationships are romantic, warm and respectful, focusing on exploration, sexual attraction and the idealization of the partner. Individuals build self-esteem as they try to develop the relationship that suits their life structure. Conflict arises as individuals become more demanding to meet their own needs. This results in instability in the relationship and requires both partners to change their behaviours. Individuals feel let down because the relationship is less rewarding.

Stages of Marriage The key to surviving Stage 2 is to recognize that being honest about one’s own needs develops intimacy within the relationship and enables the partners to develop reciprocal roles to meet the needs of each other and of the relationship Discussing with one’s partner how to solve problems reflects mutual interdependence and a commitment to the relationship

Stages of Marriage Couples compromise and negotiate a relationship that meets their needs as well as possible. The relationship becomes more realistic, mature and stable. Relationships were much improved if they were able to achieve Stage 3

Stages of Marriage At each stage, individuals are transformed as they respond to their partner and adjust to the more flexible roles they play in the maturing relationship Commitment to the relationship, essential for adjusting the relationship, is less evident in cohabitation

Arranged Marriages In the past and in many societies today, the selection of a mate or life partner, was considered too important to be left to young and inexperienced individuals In collectivist societies, marriage is seen as an alliance between families because the children of that union are the grand children of both families

Arranged Marriages When families place a higher value on family and culture than on individual need in collectivist societies, and expect close family interaction, the choice of a spouse who will fit into the family is important Some societies that believe divorce is harmful to children, parents and the extended family prefer arranged marriages, since they remove the complications of romantic love, sexual attraction and recreational dating from mate selection

Arranged Marriages Some religions teach that parents have a sacred duty to ensure that their sons and daughters have a good marriage Since most parents wish their sons and daughters to have happy and lasting marriages and to pass on their cultural heritage to their children, social homogamy is the basis of mate selection in arranged marriages

Arranged Marriages In cultures where arranged marriage is the custom, parents are expected to ensure that their sons and daughters approve of the partner who has been selected for them Arranged marriage should not be confused with forced marriage, where young men and women – or children – are forced into marriage against their will, it is customary now for the individuals to have an opportunity to get to know each other before the marriage takes place

Arranged Marriages Perhaps arranged marriages are more durable because the parents made wiser choices of partners On the other hand, individuals might make a stronger commitment to marriage when it is a formal arrangement between families and in the community

Arranged Marriages Although it is not clear why the divorce rate is lower in arranged marriages, couples who have similar backgrounds are more likely to manage their shared resources efficiently and with less conflict, and to raise children more easily according to their cultural expectations The expectation that love will develop after marriage seems to be the reality for couples in arranged marriages

Intermarriage Intermarriage or heterogamy means marriage between partners who are from different social, racial, religious, ethnic or cultural backgrounds Opposite of homogamy Intermarriage is more common in Canada’s urban communities There are no restrictions on intermarriage in Canada

Intermarriage/Heterogamy The more successful a society becomes at raising children to be “colour blind” and in an environment where diversity and multiculturalism are the norm, the more likely it is that young people will meet, be attracted to and fall in love with someone from a different background The differences, if there are any, between individuals of different races, religions, or ethnic backgrounds exist in their personal family lives

Interracial Couples Interracial marriages are the most visible form of intermarriage Canadian couples in interracial unions are more likely to be cohabiting rather than married Interracial couples adjust to marriage as well as any couple does The major challenge of interracial marriage is raising a biracial child, because it requires that the couple must first reflect on the role that race plays in determining their own identities

Interfaith Couples Faith, unlike race, is a chosen attribute, as it is possible to convert to another faith Partners in interfaith relationships may have a similar economic and educational background, but their family and cultural experiences might have been quite different

Interfaith Couples Couples who respect each other and are willing to compromise can find ways to share their lives However, individuals from different faith backgrounds have to choose whether to compromise some of their beliefs and customs or to accept their spouse’s beliefs and customs as well as their own

Interfaith Couples The couple must also decide what faith identity to provide for their children Interfaith marriages are more likely to succeed if at least one partner does not practice their religion or is willing to convert

Interethnic Couples Marriage between individuals of different ethnic backgrounds is perhaps the most complex form of heterogamy Ethnicity can be a complex mixture of national and racial heritage, religion and culture In Canada, where many people are “hyphenated Canadians” or have 2 cultures, self-identification as a member of an ethnic group suggests that an individual adheres to the specific value system, family structure and role expectations that are associated with that ethnic group

Interethnic Couples The major variations among ethnic groups involve gender roles within marriage and in the workplace, the independence and responsibilities of children and the relationship between the conjugal and extended family Each of these affects how a couple will negotiate their relationship at each stage

Divide up into 5 groups. Choose an article. Read the article with your group. In your groups come up with a question that will generate discussion. Be prepared to share your article with the rest of the class.

Unit 3 Test – Material Covered Chapter 6 Board Notes The Origins of Marriage photocopied package Marriages, Intimate Relationships & Society (Unit 3 – Chapter 6) Power Point Intimate Relationships (Theories of Attraction & Mate Selection) Unit 3 - Chapter 7 Power Point Intimate Relationships (Theories of Attraction & Mate Selection) Unit 3 - Chapter 7 (Continued) Power Point

Unit 3 Test – Format Section A: 10 Multiple Choice Section B: 5 Short Answer Questions