Families The Good, The Bad, The Crazy Family Systems

Quote You may feel that your family or origin wasn’t dysfunctional since your father wasn’t an alcoholic . . . . The truth is, however, that, due to the fallen nature of all parents (and children), all families are flawed and therefore dysfunctional to a certain degree. Addictive and compulsive behaviors (addictions to food, sex, work, and so on) are extremely common in even “the best of families,” and such behavior is almost always linked to some form of dysfunctional family background. –Dave Carder, et al., Secrets of Your Family Tree, Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 1991) p. 15.

Family Systems Individuals cannot be understood in isolation from one another—families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals, none of whom can be understood in isolation from the system

What does it mean to say a family is a system? To understand this better, consider the example of a mobile. When you move any one piece of a mobile, all the other pieces move too! They do not exist in isolation from one another, and “movement” in any one part of the “system” will affect all the rest of the parts of the system.

All Family Systems Includes all extended family members. It is more than the sum of it’s parts. Have roles for each member. Have rules and myths Seek Homeostasis/Equilibrium. Have a life cycle.

Terms from Family Systems Theory that you’ll want to understand Family Roles--what is expected of each family member The most basic types of roles are “father,” “mother,” “aunt,” “daughter,” “son,” “grandmother,” etc. What is expected from people in each of these roles? But there are also roles beyond this most basic level. For example, one person may be the “clown” of the family. Another person may be the “responsible one.” One person may be the “emotional one.” Another role might be “crazy uncle Joe” who everyone knows is going to act odd in his own unique way. There are a lot of different roles in families.

Activity - What was your role? Every family has special interactional patterns that are held in place by family roles. Your role in your family was used to fill special needs of your family, like a catcher on a ball team fills the need of the team to cover home plate. Roles are assigned when we are young and we have no choice on the role we are given.

FAMILY RULES Family Rules are rules about how the family operates; these rules are often unspoken. For example… When people are angry at each other, do they express this or keep it to themselves? How affectionate or emotional are family members expected or allowed to be with each other? How do decisions get made in the family? Who has input and who is expected to “just go along”? How is the final decision made? Are there limits on “how much” or in what ways kids can argue with their parents? How much are family members “allowed” to talk to people outside the family about family problems? Families tend to develop patterns about these sorts of things (& other similar types of things). These patterns become “unspoken rules.” Family members may see these things as “just the way it is,” but different families do these things differently from one another.

Family Myths Myths are beliefs or illusions shared by the family members. They are usually assumptions or exaggerations which stretch reality and serve the purpose of reinforcing the family rules…..Dad is always right…we have the perfect family….we never argue at our house….

Reflecting on Family Rules Take a minute to think about how you would answer the questions on the preceding slide with regard to your family! Share information with your newly formed family.

HOMEOSTASIS--EQUILIBRIUM Systems develop typical ways of being which are reliable and predictable. Family roles & family rules are examples of what I mean by “typical ways of being.” Whether these roles & rules are adaptive or not, there is a pull from the system NOT to CHANGE—but to continue functioning as things have always been. Think of the mobile. If you move one part, the other parts move. But if you let go of that one part, the whole “system” (i.e., the parts of the mobile) will “pull each other” back to the way they were before that one part moved. This tendency of systems to keep doing things as they’ve already been done is known as homeostasis or the system’s equilibrium.

Causes of Unhealthy Family Systems Addictions – Chemical Dependence (drugs or alcohol addiction) – Compelling need to take a drug even though it harms the body, mind or relationship Other Addictions – Eating disorders, workaholic, exercise, gambling, nicotine, relationships, shopping, TV, thrill seeking What else can you be addicted to?? Perfectionism – Need to be accurate, parents overly critical of themselves and their children begin to feel inadequate & insecure

Causes con’t Violence – Physical force to injure, damage or destroy oneself, others, or property Domestic Violence - occurs within family Physical Abuse – Harmful treatment that results in physical injury to the victim Sexual Abuse – Sexual contact that is forced on a person Emotional Abuse – Putting down another person and making that person feel worthless

Causes con’t Neglect – Abandonment – Mental Disorders – Failure to provide proper care and guidance Abandonment – Removes oneself from those whose care is one’s responsibility parents who abandon their children are not available for them Mental Disorders – Mental or emotional condition that makes it difficult for a person to live in a normal way

Signs Of An Unhealthy Family System Family secrets Blurred boundaries Changing rules Forbidden topics Don’t talk to other people about our family Denial Don’t trust

Quote First and foremost, children are taught to disown what their eyes see and what their ears hear. Because of denial in the family, children’s perceptions of what is happening become progressively and systematically negated. Overtly or covertly, explicitly or implicitly, they are told not to believe what their own senses tell them. As a result, the children learn to distrust their own experience. At the same time, they are taught not to trust other people. –Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics, (New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1985) p. 19.

What Elephant?

Family Roles - Enabler An enabler is a person who, acting out of a sincere sense of love, loyalty and concern, does things that ultimately help the substance abuser continue to use.

Enabling Behavior Avoiding problems by trying to keep the peace. Denying that the person is using drugs or is chemically dependent. Keep their feelings inside. Minimizing: "It's not that bad.” Lecturing, blaming, or criticizing the chemically dependent person

Enabling Behavior Cont. Taking over his/her responsibilities. Protecting the chemically dependent person from pain. Feeling superior; treating the dependent person like a child. Trying to control the dependent person.

Children’s Roles in the family

The Hero This is the child who is "9 going on 40.“ Very responsible and self-sufficient. They give the family self-worth because they look good on the outside. Good students, the sports stars, the prom queens.

Adult Family Hero Rigid and controlling Self Judging Achieve "success" on the outside, but feels empty on the inside. Often feels inadequate and insecure. Make great enablers

The Scapegoat Angry -most emotionally honest child in the family He/she acts out the tension and anger the family ignores. Distracts from the real issues in the family. Often becomes pregnant or addicted as teenagers.

Adult Scapegoat Use anger to hide how sensitive and caring they are which is why they feel such tremendous hurt. Can become very cynical and distrustful. They have a lot of self-hatred and can be very self-destructive.  this child often becomes the first person in the family to get into some kind of recovery.

The Lost/Invisible Child This is the child who is never a problem. They excel at being ‘out of sight’ and end up being ‘out of mind’. They can spend hours daydreaming, fantasizing, reading watching TV or playing video games.

Adult Lost Child Second guesses self/no self trust Uncomfortable in social situations Very uncomfortable in the spot light Most likely to end up in an abusive relationship. Also most likely to turn to substances so they can connect to other people.

The Mascot/Charmer Funny, charming often the youngest. Busy.. Busy..Busy Often protected by the family. Uses humor to diffuse ALL situations. Flexible “goes with the flow”

Adult Mascot Has trouble handling conflict. Can be a compulsive clown. Has a great deal of anxiety. Shirks responsibility. Often looks for a family Hero for a mate so they have a caretaker.

I Feel Invisible

Homeostasis & Equilibrium Remember that we talked about how “systems” are resistant to change? According to systems theory, this is true EVEN IF the change might seem to be a desirable one! For example, if the “substance abuser” within a family tries recovery the rest of the family --in perhaps unintended, subconscious ways---sabotage the persons attempts to stop. The whole family has to be willing to change.

The Family Defined “Everything occurring in a family, regardless of how carefully it may be hidden, impacts the children. Everything.

Family Systems & The Cultural-Systemic Approach In conclusion, our Family Systems suggests that sometimes our behavior may have AS MUCH TO DO with the “systems” (groups) of which we are a part—and the patterns that get established within these systems-- as it may have to do with the personality of each person within the system.

Applying what you’ve learned! Handouts

Other Good Books